Sunshine on a Rainy Day

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 25

Meds: Met

Outlook: TGIF

I believe I have ovulated. The problem is I don't know when. I've been having uterus twinges - occasionally verging on cramps - for a week now, which is a sure sign. And although my nipples were sensitive anyway because of the Meno.pur, this whole week my boobs have been very sore, feeling heavier and tender, and I noticed some blue veins appearing.

Of course, this got me very excited, and I have been looking at them every night to see if I can see anything else. It could always just be a coincidence, or it could be that the Meno.pur effects are still going strong, but I have a tiny shred of hope.

I had promised myself I would not do a pregnancy test until next Tuesday, but I caved in today and did one - very negative. I still feel hopeful though as potentially I'm only 7 or 8 days past ovulation and there is still time. I'll have to wait now as I've completely run out of preggo tests - need to order some in a moment.

If I did ovulate, the next question is how many popped? There were 4, possibly 5 ripe follies. This has me both very excited and slightly concerned. On the one hand, that many options has got to mean that my chances of conception are higher. On the other, 4 children in one go would be quite a challenge. But like I keep telling people who say "Omg FOUR?!?!", I would rather have four in one go than none at all.

I realise I am probably grasping at straws thinking something will come of this cycle, but it's my way of coping with the fact that otherwise I'm out til July. A little self delusion can go a long way.

After expressing my dismay at this cycle being cancelled in a text to my MIL-2B, she replied "Don't worry about it, I'm sure you have enough to think about, what with the wedding...". I do wish people would stop saying that. Yes the wedding is a big day, and there has been a fair bit of organising, but the world doesn't stop because of it. It doesn't detract in any way from what I feel about wanting to get pregnant. If I'm still able to think about work and shopping and all those other mundane things, I'm sure as hell still able to think about ttc. Wedding organising is not a distraction from something that is the most important thing to me. Besides which, pretty much everything is done now, so if anything I have LESS distracting me than before.

In the News: Eastenders does Adoption

Yep another In the News post, mainly so I can focus on other things rather than my own situation right now. In the UK we have a soap called Eastenders, depicting the gritty reality in a small community in East London. Now, it wouldn't be the twenty-first century without a couple of gay characters, and this week, Christian and Syed had a meeting with an adoption agency to look into obtaining a child.

I just spent five minutes watching and rewatching the scene with the adoption agency rep because it struck me when I first watched it earlier...:

"Have you got experience of looking after children?...I can see that you love each other. But you know it's not just about that? Adopting is a long, tough process. It's like the Grand National: you get over one fence and there's another one straight ahead of you. We'll be looking into your home, your relationships, finances, we'll do police checks, employment checks, medical checks, we'll look into your hospital records, we will look at everything! By the time we're finished I'll know you better than you know yourselves! We need to know that you've got a strong, stable support network. See that's why we like couples to have known each other for at least 3 years. Ooh and of course we'll need to speak to both your families..."

I think they are trying to make the point, for the sake of a good story, that gay couples face a lot of hurdles when trying to adopt. They've already dealt with adoption once recently, when Jane adopted her husband's son from a previous marriage - and this was portrayed as being as easy as signing a contract. But what I fear viewers will miss is the fact that this is what adoption is like for all couples. Gay or straight. 

Makes me wonder how people can just casually suggest adoption like it's the easier, obvious option for those with fertility problems. I for one resent the fact that my life would require such intrusion, that my right to privacy would be cast to one side, that I would have to prove myself in so many ways to people who are complete strangers. Yet anyone can get pregnant without proving a thing. People who are destined to abuse their children; people who can't care for themselves, let alone a child; people who don't have enough money to look after a family. People can churn out their 8th baby even though they support the rest through welfare alone. They can all just go ahead, for the most part unchallenged.

There seems to me to be something very wrong in a world where the irresponsible get (largely) overlooked when it comes to parenting, yet the infertiles, or people who just want to do good, get scrutinised to within an inch of their lives for daring to try to help the situation. I have always considered adoption to be a real possibility for us, whether or not I conceive myself, but the more I find out about it, the more I feel I just wouldn't have the energy.

In the News: The Telegraph "Infertility...a condition the NHS can ill-afford to treat"

I was alerted to something by a great infertility blog  - although I am in the UK I have never bought or read The Telegraph and was disgusted to read this particular article, arguing that the NHS, with all it's money woes, should not be funding IVF treatment.

Max Pemberton - apparently a "child psychiatrist" (so obviously very well placed to spout about fertility problems) - does not believe infertility is a disease. He is even reluctant to classify it as a medical problem at all. He blathers on that "While childlessness is distressing, it is not associated with long-term disability, morbidity or mortality...Rather, it is about people unable to have something that they want."

Good lord! My sincere apologies, Max. All this time while trying to figure out why my body doesn't work right and coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to do the most natural thing in the world - have my own child - I thought I was dealing with a medical problem. A condition. An internationally recognised syndrome. After reading your thoughtful article I now see that really I am just a spoilt child in a toy shop, screaming and stamping my feet because my mum won't buy me a Sindy doll. 

I also now see that, far from wanting a child being about my own natural desires, a wish to create something out of the love me and my fiance share, about fulfilling not only a basic, normal human urge but something I want to devote the rest of my life to, actually, I'm just trying to keep up with the Joneses. An "expectation on individuals to reproduce and become parents...childlessness is a status that does not readily fit within society’s cultural norms". I just want a baby because it's what everyone else has got. 

And of course, why am I putting myself through all this when "It’s not as if such people are being denied the chance to be parents at all. Adoption offers them the possibility of parenthood". Why don't I just apply for a child this weekend? Two maybe? I'm sure no time at all I'll forget all my problems!

To cut my sarcasm short, this article is ill-conceived (pardon the pun), badly constructed and downright rude. He is aligning fertility with something like freckles. Some people are born with them, some aren't, and why should the NHS fund giving you an item of such vanity for the sake of fashion? Freckle-less people aren't ill, their lives aren't about to be cut short, and there is no underlying medical problem causing you to be freckle-less. Of course, this is total tosh when applied to infertility. The vast majority of people with fertility issues - even if they are currently under the banner "unexplained" - have an underlying medical reason for that infertility. And - worse than that - increasingly environmental factors are being found to harm the delicate hormonal balances in the human body - toxic chemicals in plastics, certain foods, pestacides.

Let's look at it logically: the human race's ability to reproduce is the reason for our continued existence. If infertility had been rife in our ancestors, we may not have survived as a species. Therefore fertility is the norm; infertility is where there is a problem. Infertility doesn't just "happen" to some people due to "a quirk of fate" as Max so eloquently puts it. It is an abnormality somewhere in our systems. Bodily functions not working as they should. Totally against what our bodies are meant to do. Is this not what constitutes a medical problem?

Max implies that as infertility is not life threatening, it is not as important as "real" medical problems. But what about people with serious burns scars or phobias, or amputees? Reconstructive surgery after a masectomy? People who can't walk or talk because of a stroke? They're definitely not life threatening conditions, so probably shouldn't receive any NHS funding either. In fact, Max, by your own logic, you should be out of a job, because I'm fairly sure child psychiatry isn't one of the leading areas associated with "long-term disability, morbidity or mortality" which apparently is the criteria for determining whether or not you deserve help from the service you pay for.

The fact is, so much of what the NHS funds now could be classified as helping to improve quality of life, instead of extending life. Slot infertility into this category if you will - I see it as something more than that - but even if you accept it as only a "nice to have" rather than "vital" treatment, you align it with a huge proportion of what the NHS offers unchallenged.

Max also seems to imply that those who can't conceive should just accept that it's a natural condition, a quirk of fate. Well, by that logic, people who develop cancer or heart disease should just accept it as a "natural" condition - their body telling them they shouldn't live any longer. Should they be denied treatment too?

Basically, if you rule out treatment for anything that is not life threatening, and anything that just happens to people as a natural "quirk of fate", the NHS would only provide treatment for serious accidents, and a small minority of conditions directly caused by external environmental factors, such as asbestosis or radiation poisoning etc. Everything else would have to be paid for privately. 

Yes, there is only a limited amount of money and resources available, and yes, we have to prioritise. Which is why most NHS Trusts offer a maximum of 1 or 2 IVF cycles per elligible couple. Personally, if funding has to be cut from anywhere, I would much rather see the NHS stop helping people who have actively and directly caused their disease or condition: chronic overeaters, smokers, drug takers, alcoholics etc. - why should my taxes pay for them to receive treatment?

Which brings me to another point. The NHS is funded through my taxes. I therefore have as much right as anyone else to use the NHS to deal with my medical problems. I don't take up resources with my chronic fatigue or IBS, and I've been suffering with anxiety for most of my life without medical intervention. Why should I potentially be denied NHS funding for the one service I would actually pursue and use?

I would love nothing more than for the NHS to put more money into finding a cure for the various ailments that cause infertility, which would save them a hell of a lot of money in the long run. Unfortunately, it is considered to be too expensive, and the money is better spent treating the symptoms of these various ailments - among them infertility - than finding out why it occurs in the first place. If I could do something to naturally correct my PCOS, I would. But I can't, and so I will take all the medical assistance I can get. 

Of course, our friend Max puts a cherry on top by trotting out the old adoption solution, fall back of anyone who is anti-fertility treatment, anti-procreation, anti-life. What these people fail to realise is that wanting to have a child - your own biological child - is an inherent, deep rooted, totally natural urge, not a lifestyle choice, especially for those who can't conceive naturally. Does he think people suffering with infertility would willingly put themselves through intensive treatments, invasive procedures and years of emotional turmoil just so they can be like their friends? NO - this is something that goes through to the very core of what being human is about. Adoption is a fantastic option for some couples, but it isn't the solution for all. And with the ridiculous constraints on adoption, the lengthy and expensive processes and no guarantee of a positive outcome, it is more than many, who have already been through the mill with infertility, have strength for.

Finally I consistently find it baffling that so many consider the prolonging of life more important than creating new life. That intervening to make someone live 1, 5, 10 years more when their bodies have had enough is seen as a societal norm, yet assisting conception - the continuation of the species - is attacked. And then when we get people to live longer they get shoved in a nursing home and treated appallingly. It's a messed up world.

ETA: Ironic that the Telegraph doesn't produce an opinion piece on other, much more ludicrous, means of "wasting" NHS money...see here and here for just two examples that I found in their recent news.

Final edit: And now it all becomes clear. Max is a homosexual male. Max obviously does not see himself having any children naturally, and his article is sour grapes perhaps at the fact that he will have to pay for his children no matter what. Case closed.

"Super" Me

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 15

Meds: Met

Outlook: bluurghghgh

Well, the results are in: cycle cancelled due to "super-ovulation". I suppose it's sweet of them to try to make me feel successful at something -_- The clinic hadn't rung by lunch time so I called and left a reminder message. Then somehow my phone didn't even ring and the next time I looked at it I had a voicemail. Had to wait til I got out of a meeting at 3pm before I could listen to it. The only advice she had was to come back when I start to bleed....yeh thanks for that.

So I rang again and asked for someone to call me back as I had a few questions. The nicest nurse there called and I went through a few things with her:

- The oestradiol number was high, and from that they deduce that I will ovulate but they can't tell when. She said obviously there was a chance I wouldn't, and/or that one or more of the follicles would become a cyst.

- I shouldn't have sex for the foreseeable future due to the risk of a multiples pregnancy, but she admitted she couldn't stop us if that's what we decided to do.

- Even if I don't develop a cyst, chances are I will have to take next cycle off to let the ovary recover before doing any more treatment.

- My response has been unusual to both Clo.mid and Meno.pur and they couldn't have predicted what would happen, even with the intensive monitoring.

- The dose of Meno.pur I was put on was the standard dose that most people would start at, and for the next active cycle they will probably halve it.

- I should wait 2.5-3 weeks and if I haven't bled yet I should go back for a scan and then induce a bleed.

I'm still feeling really frustrated about this cycle and really upset, and after I put down the phone I just cried for about half an hour. If it's this hard to ovulate what chance do I have of actually getting pregnant? I'm starting to feel scared - what if none of the ovulation induction drugs work on me? What if I only ever over- or under-respond? Will I just have to move straight to IVF without passing go?

We are going to carry on trying this cycle. Me reasoning is this: a follicle that grows beyond about 24mm is considered too big to carry a 100% healthy, ripe egg. I have 2 that were at the top end of this range yesterday, so they will be even bigger by the time I finally ovulate (I did a digital ovulation test yesterday which was negative, so I assume I have a few more days before any eggs will appear) which means the chances of either containing a viable egg are small. Even if such an egg was fertilised it would be unlikely to continue beyond a week or so. So that leaves 2 follicles. If they both release and if they are both healthy there is a small chance both could be fertilised. I'm happy to take that risk.

I just can't sit back and do nothing for the best part of 2 months while life and time just tick away. If this cycle amounts to nothing (which I'm assuming it will) it will be July at the earliest before I get pregnant - and that's assuming that I'm incredibly lucky and get pregnant on my first proper successful cycle (which also seems unlikely). I'm completely fed up of waiting, it's all I seem to do. Wait wait wait wait wait. Everyone else gets a chance each and every month to get pregnant; I haven't even had one chance in the 4 years I've been trying. It's like I'm the only one not to complete a 100m race because I can't even find my way out of the changing room, let alone onto the track and down to the finish line. This is the most depressed and negative I have felt for a long, long time and I don't like it.

Angry Chair

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 14

Meds: Met

Outlook: Really f%*!ed off

I am beginning to lose faith in the fertility consultants I see, particularly the one I bemoaned in the last post, even though I am lucky enough to go to a hospital which specialises in fertility.

So after last Wednesday's secretive scan, I toddled back on Friday not knowing what to expect. I was thrilled to discover I had 3 follicles maturing on the right side - one at 14mm, one at 14-15mm and one at 15-16mm - and my lining was looking good. She sent me for another oestradiol test (a horrible man who was clearly new to taking blood (or a sadist) and did the whole thing in painfully slow motion so it hurt as much as possible) and told me to halve my Meno.pur dose over the weekend.

So all weekend I was really excited, even though I was having to waste half a pod of drug each night (so pointless) and, yet again, started to think at last this was the cycle that was going to give us a real chance to get pregnant.

I was told to come back in today and so I went. First off, I had to wait nearly half an hour to be seen in a boiling hot waiting room (so hot a trickle of sweat came down to my elbow from my armpit) and then it was a doctor I've never seen before. He was really thorough at the scan, again saying my lining was excellent and then started measuring the follicles. This is where it started to go wrong. The three she saw on Friday have all grown to a mature size (between 20mm-23mm) but there is a fourth that is catching up (17mm) and a fifth which is smaller. He said I have over stimulated and the cycle would have to be cancelled.

I had to fight back tears on the couch (luckily it was dark so he couldn't see). He then was at pains to explain to me why they would not be giving me the trigger. I asked what would happen if I just ovulated on my own and he said "Well you can't have sex". WHAT?!?! "You could end up with quadruplets and you don't want that! Hahah!" He then spent ages working out the precise dimensions of the offending follicles before saying "Yes this can happen with PCO".........again WHAT?!?!

I then went to sit in the waiting room while he went to get the opinion of a nurse. I went in to see her and she said actually they were going to check the "cycle cancellation" decision with another doctor (Ms Helpful from Wed/Fri) but it looked likely it would be cancelled. She then told me to continue with my half dose of Meno.pur tonight and this time I said it out loud "WHAT?!?" She said she didn't want to be the one to make a decision to stop taking it (i.e. that it should be the doctor telling me) but I was like "Surely if I take more tonight, the biggest ones are just going to get bigger, and the ones that are borderline are going to catch up and there will be even more?" and she said "Ok don't take it tonight" - I was in disbelief. 

She then said I would have to go for yet another blood test (my third in less than a week) and based on my scan and the blood test results she would discuss with Ms Helpful tomorrow and give me a call. I then had to fight back tears all the way up to haematology. And - typical - of all the appointments I've had there, this was the one time Bubble couldn't come with me.

So there are several things that concern/down right annoy me:

• If there were too many follicles growing, why didn't Ms Helpful notice on Wednesday and tell me to halve my dose then?
• If there were definitely too many on Friday, why didn't she get me to stop the Meno.pur over the weekend and reassess on Monday?
• Surely my oestradiol numbers are the most reliable source of info - why after 2 blood tests and all these scans was this not picked up earlier?
• If over-stimulation typically happens with PCOS (and particularly after my over-response to Clo.mid) why wasn't I started on the minimum dose possible? They could then have increased it later on if I wasn't responding well enough
• If I ovulate tonight or tomorrow - as seems likely with follicles that big - telling me not to have sex from now isn't a failsafe way of preventing me getting pregnant since we already did it yesterday! So they have put me at risk of conceiving 4 babies
• If my follicles are already so big that I could ovulate at any given time, why then increase the chance of adding a couple more to that number by telling me to continue with the Menopur tonight?! And why did the nurse try to take the decision herself if she wasn't sure (which she obviously wasn't since my layman response made her change her mind)?
• Are these large follicles actually going to rupture at all, or am I going to be left with a mass of uncomfortable cysts that need another cycle off to get rid of?

Overall I'm gutted. It's now been 7 months since we started treatment. This is only my third medicated cycle and the third that has been a wasted opportunity for a pregnancy. All this just to ovulate, and I'm not even getting that right! Pregnancy seems a very very long way away tonight, and a real, actual baby even further. I can't believe that with all the injections, all the blood tests, all the appointments, somehow this has still gone wrong.

Of course, they can't stop us going ahead and having sex if we want to. And a large part of me is very tempted - why should I waste the only chance I've had so far?! Will wait and see what they say tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath.

Availability

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 9

Meds: Met/Meno.pur

Outlook: Headache

I went for my scan this morning. I seem to have a number of follicles on the brew, the largest being about 10-11mm, so I had to go for a blood test to measure my FSH/LH levels and my oestradol levels. I go back on Friday for another scan and to get the results. If I have too many active follicles they will probably reduce my dose as they are very careful to prevent a multiples pregnancy wherever possible, and therefore don't want me developing more than 2 follicles to fruition. I'm glad that something is happening at least - and I'd rather have too many follicles than none at all. Luckily I'm becoming much more adept at giving myself the injections but I'm hoping things will go so well I won't need to do more than this one cycle of them!

A tad concerned about Friday though - the only appointment slots available were between 11 and 12pm, and I have a meeting at work from 10-12...not sure how well that's going to go down. Technically I will only be taking minutes so may just have to leave early and ask someone else to cover for me for the last 30 mins. There's not much I can do though as I need to be seen on Friday and that's the latest I can go.


Was surprised and slightly annoyed at the variation of treatment you can receive at the hospital today. I've seen 4 or 5 different doctors for my scans over the last few months, and most of them are really lovely. Usually, they turn the ultrasound screen around so that I can see what's going on as they are looking at it, and explain what they can see. Today's doctor was very different (I've had her before but she's never been this bad) she didn't say a single word to me through out the scan and didn't show me the screen or the print outs afterwards. She was generally very short and didn't take the time to ask if I had any questions at the end which I really appreciate from the doctors who do. Will be avoiding her from now on.

How to...prepare and inject Meno.pur

Ok, here goes. 

NOTE: This is meant as a rough guide only and is based on the instructions given to me by my doctor. Always follow the advice of your healthcare professional.

Left-right: pod of Meno.pur; ampule of solvent; alcohol cleansing pad; syringe; large mixing needle; small injecting needle

First, clean your hands thoroughly and prepare a clean preparation area.

Remove the cap from the pod of Meno.pur and wipe the alcohol wipe over it. You can now throw away the wipe and cap.

Take hold of the solvent at the bottom, and with the other hand gently flick the top to force the fluid down into the bottom of the vial.

Gently snap off the top of the vial. Mine has a little blue dot which should be facing towards you when you do this, and note the position of my hands. With vials like these always snap away from you. My nurse advised me to do this with a tissue over the vial to protect from any flying bits of glass (nothing like that has happened though, touch wood). If the vial cracks, the glass becomes jagged or get into the solution, discard the vial.

Take the large mixing needle and firmly slot it on to the end of the syringe. Keep the needle cap in place until you are ready to use it. When removing the needle cap, hold on to the lip of the needle fitting (the green edge visible here) to prevent the needle sliding back off the syringe.

Place the needle into the glass vial and slowly draw the fluid up into the syringe. I find it helps to tilt the vial to the side to ensure you get every last drop.

Holding the plunger on the syringe firm so as not to let any of the fluid out prematurely, push the needle through the rubber top of the pod of Meno.pur. Be careful not to smash the needle into the bottom as it can go through quite suddenly. Release the fluid into the pod; the Meno.pur powder will dissolve instantly. Keep the needle in the pod. If you can see any bubbles, give the pod a flick to disperse them. When you are happy, push the needle to the bottom of the pod and slowly pull the plunger up to draw the mixture into the syringe. Try not to draw any air in before or after it. Once you've got it all, hold the plunger steady, and slowly pull the needle out of the pod. Discard the pod. You have to be pretty quick now because once it's mixed it needs to be used as soon as possible.

Tilt the syringe upside down so the needle is pointing to the ceiling. Draw the fluid back slightly away from the needle. Remove the large mixing needle carefully, and replace its cap. Take the small injecting needle and fix to the end of the syringe. Again, carefully pull off the cap (hold the lip - in this case yellow - to ensure the needle stays in place).

Keep the needle pointing to the ceiling. If there are any bubbles in the syringe, flick it until they disperse, or draw the fluid back down with the plunger and then push back up slowly. Slowly and gently push the plunger up so that the fluid goes right up into the needle. Be careful because once it gets there it goes pretty quickly and can squirt out.

Expose your tummy. You need to grab that natural little pouch under your belly button, either to the right or the left (you will alternate sides each time you inject). There is a temptation to grab really hard to divert attention away from the needle, but only pinch gently. When you are ready, push the needle in as quickly as you can (don't stab, be gentle but swift). Once the needle is fully in, press the plunger down slowly to inject the solution - for my single dose it takes about 8-10 seconds. Once the syringe is empty, carefully remove the needle and press a tissue or cotton ball over the inject site for about 30 seconds. ALL DONE!

Final step: pour a large glass of wine or have a large chunk of chocolate.


Also note: be careful how you discard the glass and needles. My clinic suggested I collect them all in a glass container e.g. used jar until the end of my treatment, then I will take them in for the clinic to dispose of. 


Yet another note: Only use each needle/syringe/pod etc. once. If you make a mistake don't assume you can fix it - it's probably safer to start again from scratch.

Pin Cushion

Cycle number:11

Cycle day:7

Meds: Met and Meno.pur

Outlook: Ouchie!

Nothing much to report other than I am slowly become adept at stabbing myself in the stomach with a needle >_< My first self-administered dose was Friday night, and it wasn't the best of situations because we were rushing to get ready and go out so I was even more panicked than I might've been. I faffed around loads, drawing the fluid up, letting it back down because I missed some, getting annoyed by all the bubbles etc. Even wasted one of the fluid pods because I didn't flick it before opening. I then aborted the first stab because it hurt and I thought I wasn't doing it right, so made 2 holes instead of one. It's quite an involved process....!!

When the nurse gave me my first dose last Thursday, I didn't feel a thing - no prick when the needle went in, no discomfort. Even with my much more relaxed last two doses I still feel the needle going in...I suspect I'm not doing it quickly enough. It's pretty hard to get a good angle too on your tum...makes your wrist all twisty.

I am planning to do a photo entry on how to prepare and administer the Meno.pur. I have no idea if this is appropriate, but before I started self-injecting I really wanted to see someone else's idea of how to do it to yourself - it's all well and good watching a nurse do it, of course she finds it easy! - but couldn't find anything illustrated. I hope it will serve both as a reference for those doing it and reassurance that it's really not that scary or complicated for those who are moving towards it.

Other than that, I have just been ticking along. I have a scan on Wednesday to check for follicle progress and to try to work out how many more days of Meno.pur they want me to take...

Baby Steps

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 1

Meds: Met (and Pro.vera for the last week)

Outlook: Excited

Well, it doesn't look like I did ovulate last cycle, since AF arrived right on cue after stopping the Pro.vera. I'm not surprised. Unfortunately though this AF is giving me a world of pain >_< Not exactly the best way to be around a fertility festival.

I go for a baseline scan on Thursday and have to take along one of my pods of Meno.pur for my first dose. Very excited about this....I never had a very good feeling about Clo.mid, even before I started taking it, since it relies so much on a chain of reactions in your body working in perfect synch (not something my body is very good at unfortunately). The injects work directly into your system and so it seems much more likely that I will get a good response.

As I wrote in a previous post, I've had some problems with my mum not being supportive at all through my ttc trials, and specifically about serious insensitivity related to infertility. So I took a proactive approach recently and sent her a link to an advice sheet for friends and family of those suffering through infertility. It covers a lot of things I think are really important, and she said it was useful. If anyone you know is treating you insensitively, don't be afraid to speak up and offer advice - they may genuinely not understand how much they are affecting you.

She actually told me that she thought we would be stopping treatment now until after our honeymoon....that's December! She didn't know about my treatment in February so essentially she thought we were putting ttc on hold for a year. I told her how funny I found this - I've been waiting four years so far, I certainly don't need to be adding an extra one on for the fun of it - and also how in a serious sense, I'm less than 2 years away from being 30 and certainly don't need to tempt my egg quality to start decreasing on top of all my other issues. I can only conclude that she doesn't understand that longing for a child, and that she must've had me and my sister because it was the next natural step in her life rather than something she desperately wanted. 

Finally, I found out another friend of mine is pregnant and due in eight weeks! She's sure she told me a while ago but I gently told her I was sure I would remember if she had. I would like now to do a tally of how many people I know who are either pregnant right now or have given birth in the last few months........yep it's 10. There may be one or two I have missed. For some of these it's their second baby since I started ttc. And this list doesn't include people I know solely online on forums and stuff (it would be more like 20 if I included them). I do try very hard to keep focused on my own situation, and let other people's news wash over me, but it is very hard. Especially when you are in the no man's land of never having seen a BFP despite so much trying....it begins to feel like it's all a myth and not something that will ever happen to you.

Bleugh. Despite all this, yes, I am in good spirits - the weather has been glorious, I have been spending a lot of time walking in the woods and doing little indoor gardening projects at home and following the Royal wedding this weekend I just feel so uber excited about my own ^____^