In the Bag

How much pregnant: 12+2
Meds: Met + prenatal combi + fish oil
Outlook: Overwhelmed <3

It's been quite a while since I posted. There are two reasons for this: 1) nothing new to report in terms of the minikin since the last scan and 2) I've been trying to keep myself calm and sane, and I found the best way to do this in the early weeks is to all but ignore what's going on. Perhaps not the most healthy way to deal with it, but it's worked for me. By allowing only very small parts of my brain to scream "I'm pregnant!!!!!" at irregular intervals, I have stopped the large part of my brain constantly going "What's new to panic about?" registering that anything has actually changed.

This week though I have breathed several very large sighs of relief: reaching the 12 week mark, seeing my now mostly formed baby, and finding out that the risks of the baby having any of the major things wrong with it are very slim.

But first let me backtrack a little... On Sunday 26th June at 7+5 we met our mums (and my dad, much to our surprise) in Covent Garden and went for lunch at a little Belgian restaurant. The 'rents were excitedly asking Bubble about his driving lessons, and while I surreptitiously removed last entry's u/s scan from my purse, he asked "So what's everyone doing on 7th February? I think it's a Tuesday...". Of course everyone was baffled, going "February? That's ages away" and such like. And just before any of them had a chance to twig, I swooped (Bubble would say 'slammed') the u/s pic down on the table in front of them whilst trilling (Bubble would say 'shouting') "Because that's when our baby is due!!!!!". Both mothers sat there open mouthed for at least 3 minutes which was the funniest sight before they all launched into congratulations and hugs and a few tears and lots of questions. It was a great day.

From 8-10wks I had what I'm going to very tentatively call "morning sickness", though really it was nothing more than aversions to certain things, of which even just the thought could almost make me heave. But I wasn't sick at all. I've had cravings - mostly bad foods like pizza, lasagne (very cheesy), burgers and salty chips, and normal things that I might eat - cheese (unmelted), water, crackers - have completely turned me off.

On the whole I have to say I've been really really lucky and have somehow managed to get away with barely any symptoms at all. I've not been more tired than usual, no vomiting, boobs haven't hurt since about 8 weeks. I've really had it very easy. And bizarrely I feel I can even say that I understand how some women can be pregnant and not even realise! Because with my totally unreliable cycles anyway, if I hadn't been trying to get pregnant and read up all about it, I probably wouldn't have guessed yet.

From 10 weeks for a few days I felt very sore around my pelvic bone. And miraculously, when the pain subsided I realised a small mound had developed just above it. It's slightly hard and tender there, and feels very full. And from time to time I have what I describe as pinching sensations - like someone is pincer-ing my uterus between thumb and forefinger and pulling slightly. The minikin is growing!

At 11 weeks someone at work guessed I was preggo!! I am quite impressed by this since I don't look pregnant in any obvious way, but she said she saw me walk passed the office door and she just knew - that there was something "different" about me. I have been very intrigued ever since. So now a couple of people know, but I'm going to hold off telling the boss for as long as possible (she already hates me because I'm taking 5 weeks off for my honeymoon slap bang in the middle of the department's busiest period...). Also during this week I ordered and received a doppler from amazon and altogether rather more quickly than I had imagined, we were listening to the baby's heartbeat! It was the most amazing sound, and so reassuring that there was actually something in there and the whole thing hadn't been my imagination.

So that brings us to this week, week 12. At the start of this pregnancy I had very little faith that I would reach this milestone, it seemed so far away and there seemed so many things that could go wrong in the meantime. But we made it =) Today we went for the NT scan and I was very nervous - not just for the obvious reasons but because I drank 2.5 cups of fennel tea yesterday for a stomach ache before finding out that fennel should be drunk with caution in pregnancy because it is a uterine stimulant and can cause miscarriage. So of course I was up half the night upset and anxious that I had ruined everything.

The sonographer was a lovely Eastern European man (complete with hairy mole on his arm that both Bubble and I noticed) who took his time and explained everything to us without our prompting. The baby was there! And it was human! (Tom was rooting for dragon). It was bopping about so much that it actually gave the guy a hard time getting the NT measured, the nose bone located and an accurate crown-rump length. We saw all the major bits: heart, kidneys, arms, legs, brain (slightly odd to see), spine, even ribs! Everything was checked - the pump rate of each individual side of the baby's heart, the rate my blood was being shared with the baby, the size of the placenta, the depth of my birth canal (to determine risk of pre-term labour). Very thorough, and thankfully, everything was normal. I was amazed how, when the sonographer wanted the baby to move and would tap on my abdomen, the baby would actually respond by squirming about! By the end of the scan, worn out no doubt by all the prodding, the baby seemed to have settled down for a nap, possibly complete with hiccups. It was all too adorable for words.

I also had the blood tests done, all of which came back normal. The risk of Down's syndrome is 1/22,000 which is very reassuring. They checked for a few other chromosomal abnormalities too, and the risk of those was equally tiny. Additionally, I am low risk for pre-eclampsia.

So anyway, here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Minikin laying on its back, all tuckered out after a busy morning of squirming. Heart rate: 153bpm, CRL: 58mm

 Another body shot, this time capturing the leg action and a couple of fingers just above its nose

 Head shot of minikin's cute profile <3

Baby Steps

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 1

Meds: Met (and Pro.vera for the last week)

Outlook: Excited

Well, it doesn't look like I did ovulate last cycle, since AF arrived right on cue after stopping the Pro.vera. I'm not surprised. Unfortunately though this AF is giving me a world of pain >_< Not exactly the best way to be around a fertility festival.

I go for a baseline scan on Thursday and have to take along one of my pods of Meno.pur for my first dose. Very excited about this....I never had a very good feeling about Clo.mid, even before I started taking it, since it relies so much on a chain of reactions in your body working in perfect synch (not something my body is very good at unfortunately). The injects work directly into your system and so it seems much more likely that I will get a good response.

As I wrote in a previous post, I've had some problems with my mum not being supportive at all through my ttc trials, and specifically about serious insensitivity related to infertility. So I took a proactive approach recently and sent her a link to an advice sheet for friends and family of those suffering through infertility. It covers a lot of things I think are really important, and she said it was useful. If anyone you know is treating you insensitively, don't be afraid to speak up and offer advice - they may genuinely not understand how much they are affecting you.

She actually told me that she thought we would be stopping treatment now until after our honeymoon....that's December! She didn't know about my treatment in February so essentially she thought we were putting ttc on hold for a year. I told her how funny I found this - I've been waiting four years so far, I certainly don't need to be adding an extra one on for the fun of it - and also how in a serious sense, I'm less than 2 years away from being 30 and certainly don't need to tempt my egg quality to start decreasing on top of all my other issues. I can only conclude that she doesn't understand that longing for a child, and that she must've had me and my sister because it was the next natural step in her life rather than something she desperately wanted. 

Finally, I found out another friend of mine is pregnant and due in eight weeks! She's sure she told me a while ago but I gently told her I was sure I would remember if she had. I would like now to do a tally of how many people I know who are either pregnant right now or have given birth in the last few months........yep it's 10. There may be one or two I have missed. For some of these it's their second baby since I started ttc. And this list doesn't include people I know solely online on forums and stuff (it would be more like 20 if I included them). I do try very hard to keep focused on my own situation, and let other people's news wash over me, but it is very hard. Especially when you are in the no man's land of never having seen a BFP despite so much trying....it begins to feel like it's all a myth and not something that will ever happen to you.

Bleugh. Despite all this, yes, I am in good spirits - the weather has been glorious, I have been spending a lot of time walking in the woods and doing little indoor gardening projects at home and following the Royal wedding this weekend I just feel so uber excited about my own ^____^

The Simmering

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 11

Meds: Met

Outlook: -_-

So two weekends ago we went to visit Bubble's mum for the day and decided to tell her we are ttc and about my fertility problems. We did this for a few reasons:

• so that if/when I do get pregnant, it is not a total shock
• so that we have additional support through the whole thing (particularly since my mum made it clear we can't get it from her...)
• so that she would feel included from the beginning
• to prevent unsolicited familial comments such as "so when are you two gonna have one then?"

Since my sister got pregnant, I realised one of the things I was most sad about was that I don't get to produce my parents' first grandchild. I had seen it as a rite of passage for them that I was totally excluded from, but being the older child, I felt that it should've been mine to provide. Instead, I thought, we will at least produce Bubble's mum's first grandchild. She was thrilled to bits for us when we told her, and interested and concerned to hear about the fertility issues. We made it clear that it could be several years before we get a baby (if we get one at all). I talked to her about the treatments I'd had and may have in the future, and how Bubble would be going for a second semen analysis to rule out any problems his "end".
Flash forward 5 days, and it didn't help my severe Clo.mid side effects to hear that my soon to be sister-in-law is randomly, unexpectedly pregnant. Big shock, not least because she and Bubble's brother have only just got back together after a six month long split. She's two months gone, and apparently confident that it's his. It was a final straw for me. Officially, everyone I know is pregnant; all friends, all family of reproductive age, co-workers or their spouses. There is now no refuge from pregnancy, anywhere I turn someone with a particular glow is there smiling back at me.

On top of this we found out that Bubble's mum had been spilling the beans about US ttc. She told Bubble's brother and his pregnant girlfriend not only that we were ttc, but about my problems too. I felt ever so slightly betrayed by this - as we had told her in confidence and I didn't expect within days it would be a general discussion topic.

Bubble's mum had also spilled the beans to her sister and mother (i.e. Bubble's aunt and grandma) that we are ttc (but nothing about my problems). I couldn't work out if this was better or somehow worse - my privacy has been kept, but telling family we are ttc like we have no problems means that in six months if nothing has happened people are going to start asking questions. Or generally think that it's ok to bring up the topic of us trying to reproduce when we are at family gatherings.

This was all too much and I admit I howled for hours. We took it for granted she would keep it quiet given the situation, but I now realise I need to spell it out for people - the more people that know, the greater the pressure of expectation on something that could take years to happen. I know she was just happy and excited for us, and meant us no harm, but it's all come at a bad time. I'm now left kind of wishing that we had just kept it to ourselves.

This weekend I have to meet up with an ex-colleague who is about 4 months pregnant. It's the first time I'll have seen her since it happened. She's been pushing and pushing for us to meet up, even though we weren't particularly good friends (though she did know about us ttc) and now I can't help but think that she just wants to show off her bump and talk non-stop about baby stuff. I'm dreading it.

And then the same night I am going out for a birthday meal with my parents, and Bubble's mum, brother and his pregnant girlfriend. What a happy little party that is going to be.....NOT. I have already told Bubble that if the conversation hovers on pregnancy or babies for longer than a picosecond I am getting up and walking out.

And then Sunday is my 28th birthday. And 4 years since I first started ttc. And 1 year since I started ttc with Bubble.

I hate that I've become such a bitter person when it comes to other people being pregnant and other people involving themselves in my fertility issues, but I don't know how else to be. I can't help it if I get upset about these things, or feel angry, or both. And I try hard not to let people see how I feel because I don't want them to feel hurt or think badly of me. So I have to just let it simmer

Facebrag

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 31

Meds: 1000mg Met.formin

Outlook: grrrrr

"I have carried a human life inside my body I have comforted a baby on my chest I have been puked, peed & pooped on ive woken up to a hungry baby & stayed up all night with a sick baby but I wouldn't have it any other way my body isn't magazine perfect but when I look in the mirror I see.........a mummy and there is no greater honor or blessing!!! make this your status if you are a proud mummy cuz i am!!!"

"Does she work.... Yes she does!!!... 24 hours a day. why? Coz shes a MUM... a cook, a cleaner, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handyman, a maid, a photographer, a councilor, a chauffer and a comforter... she don't get holidays, sick pay or any days off.. she works through the DAY and NIGHT.... litrally on call 24 hours!!!"

Just a couple of the delightful chain-status updates I have seen on Facebook in recent months. I can't help but wonder what is the point of them other than to brag about the fact you've had children? It's as if the assumption is that motherhood is looked down upon, that mothers are being vilified in some way in society, and by putting this as your status you are somehow defying that and standing up for yourself and mothers in general. 

 Except I really don't think that's the case. Of course you get the odd newspaper article about working mothers vs stay-at-home mothers and that kind of thing, but I really don't feel at all that there is any stigma attached to being a mother. Feigning defensiveness just seems like a good excuse to paste your smugness across the interwebs.

 Luckily neither of these were posted by my actual FB "friends", otherwise I would've had to make some kind of comment (and possibly a deletion!). Of course there is no harm in being a "proud mummy" - and I'm sure I will be filled with pride if I ever get to be one - but this kind of bragging is also pretty hurtful to people who may be dealing with infertility, miscarriage or any other problem conceiving (and some of this posters friends are).

 It's true, there is "no greater honour or blessing" than being able to bring a life into the world, no one would deny that. And being that it is such a great, personal, deeply poignant moment in life, why would anyone choose to celebrate that by reposting a generic, badly thought out, poorly written blurb?

 I'm not saying everyone should tread on eggshells 24/7 in case an infertile is lurking somewhere, listening in and taking offense.  Of course not. I would feel as bad about that as I do about these statuses. I just think that expressing your joy in your family and children can be done in other, much more genuine ways than this which won't come across as rubbing other peoples' noses in the fact. Ways that come from the heart rather than from the keyboard of someone somewhere reveling in smug superiority.

 

Getting It

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 26

Meds: Met.formin 1000mg

Outlook: Hmmmm

Most people feel that their mother is the one person they can totally rely on in life (despite their nagging*). I also presumed that she would be the one person who could fully support me on my journey to becoming a mother myself, but a recent incident proved me wrong:

She had known we were trying to conceive, and knew that I had just completed a round of Clo.mid which didn't work. Yet she didn't intervene or advise or prepare for the fact that my sister was about to announce her own pregnancy. It was upsetting, after entering my fourth year of infertility, to receive a text from my sister saying "Hello Gim" (her demeaning nickname for me which I hate), "I have some exciting/scary news! You're going to be an Auntie!" My mother of course had known about it for some time (6 weeks at the time of the text). I didn't even know they were trying. Why, I wondered, didn't she think to prepare me in some way? Why didn't she think to advise my sister to be slightly more tactful or sensitive about the way she told me? Her response? "It didn't even occur to me".

Worrying. Even more worrying was when she said that, being someone who had never had any problems with fertility, it wasn't something she could identify with. Isn't that a symptom of autism? This got me to thinking, why is it that so many people are blind to infertility?

My best friend had to have two babies terminated in recent years due to a genetic disorder. My mother was perfectly able to sympathise with this, and recently expressed her joy at the fact that my friend is now pregnant with a healthy baby. When my sister had a minor scare just before Christmas, my mother was first on the scene to support in case of a miscarriage - something she has never gone through herself but was able to identify with. Even my dad texted me on that day (and he never, ever texts me) to let me know, saying how it was going to be a "grim Christmas" if the worst happened. So even my DAD was able to sympathise with the situation.

Why then is infertility not on people's radar? Why does my four year struggle and not even a single pregnancy not get the same support? I understand that it can be more difficult to identify with if you haven't been through it yourself, but is there really an excuse for total ignorance? 

There is no "big event" with infertility like there is for a miscarriage or a termination - no focal point for all the sadness and dread. The pain and fear is instead a daily grind, mixed in with a bit of hope and anticipation for good measure. Of course I would never wish to go through a miscarriage or a necessary termination - and I feel tremendous sympathy for those who have - but in some ways I do envy that focal point. A day when everyone would just be nice, where there were no comments like "Aren't you getting broody yet?" or "Are you not really interested in having children yet then?" or "You just need to get your ovaries sorted out then you can have one of these!"**. A day when I would be allowed to cry and people would offer comfort and support, reassuring stories, hopeful mantras and a kind smile. And after that day was over, I could begin moving forward with my strength buffered by their compassion, people would get on with their lives but a little bit of them would remember that day and there would be no more hurtful comments. 

I can only conclude that the people who are unsympathetic or unaware - and there are lots of people who aren't - see that the infertiles didn't have anything to begin with, so haven't lost anything. That until we get to the day that we stop trying to conceive, there is every possibility that we will. That until it never happens there is the chance that it might. There is something frighteningly naive about that view, but also kind of pure and hopeful: it can, may, might, should, will hopefully happen for us. Let's not forget that.

*I know I'll be there myself someday....

** GENUINE comments said to me, I'm afraid to say