Mysterious Ways

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 35

Meds: Met

Outlook: O_O

It's been a very crazy week. Between Thurs 26th and Tues 31st May, 5 people I know had their babies. The most important of these being my sister and my best friend. My sister and I are still not on speaking terms, but my mum gave me the lowdown: she had a 48 hour labour, then was going to have a forceps delivery, and then after all that had to have a c-section under general anaesthetic. My mum was there throughout and apparently was appalled by the treatment in the hospital (she's a nurse herself) so is going to be making a formal complaint. We later discovered that the hospital is even under investigation for the deaths of two new mothers recently, so that's not good at all. So, given the situation I haven't spoken to my sister, or seen the baby other than a few pictures on a mutual friend's facebook. She was a 9lber so not surprising it ended in caesarian.

My best friend had a very different experience. She was slightly overdue, but hadn't had any twinges or anything all weekend. Monday night at 7pm her waters suddenly broke and she had the little mite by 3.15am, forceps delivery. He weighed 8lbs 1oz. Bubble and I went to visit yesterday and he really is a cute little bundle. It was good to hear all about the delivery as with her first child she had a c-section too.

But now on to the craziest news of all. Last Tuesday, after hearing the news of my sister's baby being born and feeling that I might just be at the end of my tether following the cancelling of the last cycle, I took another pregnancy test. I peed before I got in the shower, left it to get to room temperature while I washed, then when I got out I dipped the stick. Started brushing my teeth, and of course I was too impatient to leave it the whole 5 mins before looking at it, and I thought I saw something right away. It was pretty faint, but suddenly I was all "What?!?!". So I called Bubble into the bathroom and asked casually if he could see anything and he said "Yes I see something". It dried a bit more and there was definitely something there. I started to tear up with the toothbrush still in my mouth. I photographed it and sent it to my best friend (still in hospital after the birth) and asked if she could see anything. She said yes as well.

So I decided to leave it a few days and test again. I was definitely hopeful, but thinking that it could just be because it was a different brand of test I hadn't used before, or because I used an old lemonade bottle for the pee and maybe it had contaminated the sample. Thursday morning I decided to do another one: the one on the left is from Tuesday, the one on the right from Thursday....

I was freaking out by this point, and worrying because I was having a lot of cramps and twinges and I still felt for sure that my period was on its way. So Friday I did a digital:

As you can probably imagine I'm totally shocked and also totally over the moon. This is the first BFP I have ever seen, and I really didn't expect it this cycle at all. After all this waiting, trying, hospital visits, medications, crying, being hopeful, I just can't believe that suddenly we've done it. And it's the weirdest feeling to go from all this active participation, to not having to do anything and your body just getting on with it on its own.

Today I am 4 weeks 6 days based on my last period. I don't know when I ovulated though.

I am dreading the next 2 months - I don't deal well with anxiety at the best of times and the thought that at any moment this amazing thing could be taken away from me is very hard to cope with. I've had trouble sleeping because I just can't relax. Bubble was away overnight last night for a business meeting and I started to panic in case anything happened while I was alone. I need to try to stay calm and keep busy with other things, but after 4 years and everything that has entailed, it's difficult not to invest a LOT in this potential baby.

I called the fertility clinic on Friday to tell them I had got a positive and they didn't sound very happy with me, asking "Well how did you get pregnant?" when the cycle had been cancelled. Hopefully the nurse is calling me back today or tomorrow to schedule my first scan. I'm hoping they will do it next week so I will be 6 weeks and they will be more likely to see something useful. With 4 or 5 follicles we don't know how many may have been fertilised and implanted.

I am so excited and grateful to have this chance, whatever happens.

"Super" Me

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 15

Meds: Met

Outlook: bluurghghgh

Well, the results are in: cycle cancelled due to "super-ovulation". I suppose it's sweet of them to try to make me feel successful at something -_- The clinic hadn't rung by lunch time so I called and left a reminder message. Then somehow my phone didn't even ring and the next time I looked at it I had a voicemail. Had to wait til I got out of a meeting at 3pm before I could listen to it. The only advice she had was to come back when I start to bleed....yeh thanks for that.

So I rang again and asked for someone to call me back as I had a few questions. The nicest nurse there called and I went through a few things with her:

- The oestradiol number was high, and from that they deduce that I will ovulate but they can't tell when. She said obviously there was a chance I wouldn't, and/or that one or more of the follicles would become a cyst.

- I shouldn't have sex for the foreseeable future due to the risk of a multiples pregnancy, but she admitted she couldn't stop us if that's what we decided to do.

- Even if I don't develop a cyst, chances are I will have to take next cycle off to let the ovary recover before doing any more treatment.

- My response has been unusual to both Clo.mid and Meno.pur and they couldn't have predicted what would happen, even with the intensive monitoring.

- The dose of Meno.pur I was put on was the standard dose that most people would start at, and for the next active cycle they will probably halve it.

- I should wait 2.5-3 weeks and if I haven't bled yet I should go back for a scan and then induce a bleed.

I'm still feeling really frustrated about this cycle and really upset, and after I put down the phone I just cried for about half an hour. If it's this hard to ovulate what chance do I have of actually getting pregnant? I'm starting to feel scared - what if none of the ovulation induction drugs work on me? What if I only ever over- or under-respond? Will I just have to move straight to IVF without passing go?

We are going to carry on trying this cycle. Me reasoning is this: a follicle that grows beyond about 24mm is considered too big to carry a 100% healthy, ripe egg. I have 2 that were at the top end of this range yesterday, so they will be even bigger by the time I finally ovulate (I did a digital ovulation test yesterday which was negative, so I assume I have a few more days before any eggs will appear) which means the chances of either containing a viable egg are small. Even if such an egg was fertilised it would be unlikely to continue beyond a week or so. So that leaves 2 follicles. If they both release and if they are both healthy there is a small chance both could be fertilised. I'm happy to take that risk.

I just can't sit back and do nothing for the best part of 2 months while life and time just tick away. If this cycle amounts to nothing (which I'm assuming it will) it will be July at the earliest before I get pregnant - and that's assuming that I'm incredibly lucky and get pregnant on my first proper successful cycle (which also seems unlikely). I'm completely fed up of waiting, it's all I seem to do. Wait wait wait wait wait. Everyone else gets a chance each and every month to get pregnant; I haven't even had one chance in the 4 years I've been trying. It's like I'm the only one not to complete a 100m race because I can't even find my way out of the changing room, let alone onto the track and down to the finish line. This is the most depressed and negative I have felt for a long, long time and I don't like it.

Persistence

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 4

Meds: Met

Outlook: =/

So I didn't get pregnant. Not even a hint of a line on the few tests I used over the weekend. AF has been light and mercifully pain-free - presumably another Clo.mid side-effect (or due to the copious amounts of rosehip tea I have been drinking recently). I went for a base-line scan today and most frustratingly the Death Star is still lurking! I learned it was a whopping 6cm x 4.7cm at its largest.....scary big. Today it had shrunk down but at 3.5cm x 2.4cm it's still too large a presence for another medicated cycle just yet.

The Doc (a new one I hadn't seen before) gave me two options - either leave it and hope that it shrinks to nothing over the course of this cycle, or take progesterone to force it to shrink. I opted for the former: I really don't want to be messing with my hormones any more than absolutely necessary and she said that around 90% of cysts disappear after the second period. If it's still there by the end of this cycle I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I may even look into doing a caster oil wrap during this cycle to help it on its way.

And I am relieved that the wait for the next cycle isn't that long. I'm already on CD4 and can go in on CD28 for another scan if I haven't detected ovulation or got my period and they will give me Provera again. A frustrating wait doing nothing but only 3 weeks to go. I still intend to temp and do some ovulation tests (though I have no idea when or even if I will ovulate) so I guess there is still a small chance for this cycle.

I also started taking some additional supplements on CD1 of this cycle: 

- Chromium - I read that a lot of women with PCOS are deficient in this mineral so I am taking 200µg each day

- Vitamin B Complex - PCOSers can be deficient in certain B vitamins and I also read that Metformin depletes one of them (aren't I a font of knowledge....) so I am taking Vitamin B1 20mg, Vitamin B2 20mg, Vitamin B3 30mg, Vitamin B5 10mg, Vitamin B6 20mg and Vitamin B12 50mcg each day

- D-I-M - This is a naturally occurring substance found in veggies like broccoli and cauliflower which helps to metabolize estrogen. Thought it couldn't hurt as PCOS is an estrogen-dominance issue. I am taking 100mg daily.

I also bought fish oil and a calcium/magnesium/vit D/iron tablet but I haven't got into the routine of taking them yet. Additionally yes my poor purse is feeling rather empty right now I got a natural progesterone cream to try if/when I ovulate...I've read that these creams don't really give you enough to make a difference but I'm happy to give it a go, especially when it is lavendar scented! Finally, I bought a pack of red raspberry leaf tablets - originally because I thought I would be carrying on with Clo.mid and read that taking this from CD1>ov can help to thicken the uterine lining (which Clo.mid wreaks havoc on). However, after talking to the Doc today, I learned that I don't have to take Clo.mid again if I don't want to and my next active cycle will probably be using injects. Still, a bit of extra help to achieve a nice thick lining won't hurt.

So back to waiting, again, and hoping that the Death Star has burned out in three weeks time...

Finally a TWW

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 31 - 11dpo

Meds: Met

Outlook: Hopeful

The Death Star was still there at 3 days past trigger, so was officially considered a cyst at around 4cm diameter. I can assure you I didn't need the ultrasound to prove it was there, the sucker was VERY uncomfortable until Monday really, but has definitely shrunk in the last few days. No more running to the toilet every 10 minutes because of the pressure on my bladder - bonus!

I went for a blood test on Monday morning to find out if I ovulated. I got the result today and OMG yes, I did! My progesterone level was 34.5 at 9 dpo which is pretty good all things considered. So I assume either the follicle on the right matured quickly and then released an egg, or the Death Star was so huge it was blocking another mature follicle on the left.

So I am approaching the end of the two week wait. Annoyingly, I still can't crack out the pregnancy tests because I had the trigger shot at 2 dpo and it will likely still show up in my system. However, I have Friday off work, and by that point will be 13 dpo/11dpt, so I'm going to allow myself a little test then.

Of course I've been scrutinising my symptoms to within an inch of their lives. My boobs are definitely pretty tender and nipples ouchily sensitive. I've had some minor cramping in the uterus area, and some stretchy feelings, but I've had all that before in previous ovulatory cycles so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I have been crazily tired, but that could just be the chronic fatigue. And I've had a monster appetite the last few days.

I can't believe what a roller-coaster this cycle has been - going from no hope at all to actually quite a bit of hope multiple times over and over. I'm hoping I don't have to go another round with Clo.mid, it doesn't seem to be particularly compatible with me. It would just be amazing if it worked this time.

The Waiting Game

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 34

Meds: still the Met

Outlook: serene

Today I booked an appointment at the fertility clinic. I will go there next Friday for a scan to check my lining. If all is well, I will take Pro.vera to induce a bleed, and will then start on my second round of Clo.mid. I'm excited to be moving forward again. I tried Clo.mid for the first time in October, but didn't ovulate. Bubble and I have since been on a ttc break as our wedding is in September and we didn't want to risk a baby due around that time. It's been a strange time...no active thinking about baby-making but no prevention either apparently I have my own in-built contraceptive... It's just been a time of waiting and waiting.

So I am uber excited to be doing something about it again. My dose will be upped to 100mg and hopefully I will ovulate this time. Just to ovulate would be a massive achievement, to know that it is possible. People who "just" get pregnant simply don't know how lucky they are not to have to think about this kind of stuff. As I have written about before, my sister is currently pregnant. She wasn't actively trying and it was her first month off birth control. She didn't even realise she was pregnant until she was nearly 10 weeks gone. She's never read anything about trying to conceive, or pregnancy, never made any changes to her lifestyle to improve her chances, never even talked about having children to my knowledge. And yet here she is, over halfway towards having her own child.

It is tiring having to actively try. Even if you don't go completely overboard and become quite obsessed - which understandably happens to a lot of women trying for a child - there is so much involved in the whole process for those to whom it doesn't just happen after the initial "honeymoon" couple of months when you are blissfully unaware:

• The Science - how the hell does this conception thing work anyway? Bizarrely, one of the most natural and personal endeavours in the world is still a mystery since they forgot to include it in any school curriculum. Terminology, maths, biology, charting (I'll come back to that), you pretty much become a certified fertility nurse after the first six months
• The Reading - anything, everything, online, in books, in magazines. Definitely online. Stories of conception and birth and what worked and what didn't, sifting through medical journals and horror stories and old wives tales, self diagnosis, message boards, forums, blogs.....especially blogs ;) Trying to absorb and make sense of this large quantity of text can be extremely challenging
• The Self Obsessing - Symptom checking, fretting over this pain and that... is something wrong with me? If so, what is it? If I felt a twinge on CD7 does this mean that I have PCOS? Am I pregnant? If I felt sick at this point last cycle and I don't now, does that mean something? O_O The constant self analysis can be incredibly draining and psychosomia-inducing
• The Charting - a fresh hell for anyone who is already starting to panic about ttc. Temperatures, taken to the very same minute each morning otherwise they could be misleading, but is the thermometer accurate? Are my multivitamins interferring? Did that curry last night cause it to be higher than usual? For me, the anticipation of my morning temperature-taking would always cause me to wake before I should, which then made my temps inaccurate, and the whole thing just made me tired before I could even start the day
• The Deed - what was once an expression of love between you and your partner suddently becomes a regimen even the army would be proud of. To do it every night or every other night? Or the SMEP system? Or twice a day if we can manage it? And should it be in this position or that, using Pre-seed or egg whites or some kind of headstand at the end? This is even more frustrating if you don't ovulate at the same time each month (or hardly ever at all) and you just have to keep going for weeks or months with no end in sight just in case you miss that egg.....!!
• The Waiting - waiting to ovulate, waiting the Two Week Wait, waiting through symptoms and negative HPTs, waiting to start fertility treatment, waiting for appointments, scans, procedures.....and ultimately waiting for that little magic to spark inside and create a life

I almost can't imagine conception from the perspective of a fertile, just being able to decide one day "I think I want a baby" and within a few months knowing it is there; finding out you are already several weeks pregnant without even knowing; getting excited at the prospect of getting pregnant and then having all your dreams fulfilled instantly. The rest of us work so hard to get and stay pregnant, and when it finally does happen, it must be the greatest achievement of our lives.


Don't get me wrong, I'm sure fertiles love getting and being and staying pregnant, and love their babies and the whole shebang. But the test you turn up for on the day without revising never means as much to you as the one you spent months studying for; instant gratification is never as satisfying as something you have worked hard for and has consumed your life; and in the same way I feel almost lucky to be in my position. When I do eventually have a baby, it truly will be a miracle for us; I will never take a single day of its life for granted or all the moments leading to it. I will have worked really hard for it and I will spend each day being thankful for my reward.


I just have to wait a little bit longer......