"Super" Me

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 15

Meds: Met

Outlook: bluurghghgh

Well, the results are in: cycle cancelled due to "super-ovulation". I suppose it's sweet of them to try to make me feel successful at something -_- The clinic hadn't rung by lunch time so I called and left a reminder message. Then somehow my phone didn't even ring and the next time I looked at it I had a voicemail. Had to wait til I got out of a meeting at 3pm before I could listen to it. The only advice she had was to come back when I start to bleed....yeh thanks for that.

So I rang again and asked for someone to call me back as I had a few questions. The nicest nurse there called and I went through a few things with her:

- The oestradiol number was high, and from that they deduce that I will ovulate but they can't tell when. She said obviously there was a chance I wouldn't, and/or that one or more of the follicles would become a cyst.

- I shouldn't have sex for the foreseeable future due to the risk of a multiples pregnancy, but she admitted she couldn't stop us if that's what we decided to do.

- Even if I don't develop a cyst, chances are I will have to take next cycle off to let the ovary recover before doing any more treatment.

- My response has been unusual to both Clo.mid and Meno.pur and they couldn't have predicted what would happen, even with the intensive monitoring.

- The dose of Meno.pur I was put on was the standard dose that most people would start at, and for the next active cycle they will probably halve it.

- I should wait 2.5-3 weeks and if I haven't bled yet I should go back for a scan and then induce a bleed.

I'm still feeling really frustrated about this cycle and really upset, and after I put down the phone I just cried for about half an hour. If it's this hard to ovulate what chance do I have of actually getting pregnant? I'm starting to feel scared - what if none of the ovulation induction drugs work on me? What if I only ever over- or under-respond? Will I just have to move straight to IVF without passing go?

We are going to carry on trying this cycle. Me reasoning is this: a follicle that grows beyond about 24mm is considered too big to carry a 100% healthy, ripe egg. I have 2 that were at the top end of this range yesterday, so they will be even bigger by the time I finally ovulate (I did a digital ovulation test yesterday which was negative, so I assume I have a few more days before any eggs will appear) which means the chances of either containing a viable egg are small. Even if such an egg was fertilised it would be unlikely to continue beyond a week or so. So that leaves 2 follicles. If they both release and if they are both healthy there is a small chance both could be fertilised. I'm happy to take that risk.

I just can't sit back and do nothing for the best part of 2 months while life and time just tick away. If this cycle amounts to nothing (which I'm assuming it will) it will be July at the earliest before I get pregnant - and that's assuming that I'm incredibly lucky and get pregnant on my first proper successful cycle (which also seems unlikely). I'm completely fed up of waiting, it's all I seem to do. Wait wait wait wait wait. Everyone else gets a chance each and every month to get pregnant; I haven't even had one chance in the 4 years I've been trying. It's like I'm the only one not to complete a 100m race because I can't even find my way out of the changing room, let alone onto the track and down to the finish line. This is the most depressed and negative I have felt for a long, long time and I don't like it.

Emotion

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 37

Meds: Still the Met

Outlook: Sunny

I forgot to add to my last post something about the emotional impact of trying to conceive for a long time. It's probably better that this gets its own dedicated post anyway. It's not to be underestimated. I've touched on it before but it's worth reiterating, because although no-one* really recognises it, the reality for a lot of women is that it's a pretty traumatic experience, with a negative impact on self esteem, confidence and general happiness.

I'm talking about the feeling that you are a failure as a woman, that your body has let you down. Dealing with other peoples' insensitivity, lack of sympathy and sometimes downright nastiness and rudeness. Having to maintain a calm, collected facade at work when AF arrives for the 500th time (after all, it might mean the end of the world to you, but what is it to anyone else?). Having to maintain a calm, collected, happy facade when everyone around you falls pregnant for the first, second, third time. Fighting off the hormonal surges that tell you to reproduce and make you feel bad for not having achieved it yet, and may never...

And of course there is everyone elses' emotions intertwined with ttc: your parents waiting eagerly to be grandparents, wanting to see your family grow and flourish, unable (or sometimes unwilling) to provide any real comfort to you, their child. The way friends either feel too bad to let you in on their pregnancies or over compensate by treating you like a fragile flower, just in case you weren't already feeling awkward enough. And of course your darling partner, waiting just as you are to become a parent, feeling every hurt and frustration but sometimes unable to express it to anyone but you.

It's funny though how unaffected women seem by all this one they finally achieve their pregnancy. I guess the tremendous warmth you get from knowing there is a life growing inside you makes everything you have been through seem worth it a thousand times over. I wonder how many of these women even remember how tiring the whole thing was once they have their little one to dote on? Or do they just take it all in their stride? I wonder, then, what happens to the (relatively) small proportion of women who never achieve pregnancy or acquire a child in another way? Are there significant lasting effects to what they have experienced? What do they do to move forward without that hurt inside them? I would be interested to find out. I do hope I never get to that point.