In the News: Eastenders does Adoption

Yep another In the News post, mainly so I can focus on other things rather than my own situation right now. In the UK we have a soap called Eastenders, depicting the gritty reality in a small community in East London. Now, it wouldn't be the twenty-first century without a couple of gay characters, and this week, Christian and Syed had a meeting with an adoption agency to look into obtaining a child.

I just spent five minutes watching and rewatching the scene with the adoption agency rep because it struck me when I first watched it earlier...:

"Have you got experience of looking after children?...I can see that you love each other. But you know it's not just about that? Adopting is a long, tough process. It's like the Grand National: you get over one fence and there's another one straight ahead of you. We'll be looking into your home, your relationships, finances, we'll do police checks, employment checks, medical checks, we'll look into your hospital records, we will look at everything! By the time we're finished I'll know you better than you know yourselves! We need to know that you've got a strong, stable support network. See that's why we like couples to have known each other for at least 3 years. Ooh and of course we'll need to speak to both your families..."

I think they are trying to make the point, for the sake of a good story, that gay couples face a lot of hurdles when trying to adopt. They've already dealt with adoption once recently, when Jane adopted her husband's son from a previous marriage - and this was portrayed as being as easy as signing a contract. But what I fear viewers will miss is the fact that this is what adoption is like for all couples. Gay or straight. 

Makes me wonder how people can just casually suggest adoption like it's the easier, obvious option for those with fertility problems. I for one resent the fact that my life would require such intrusion, that my right to privacy would be cast to one side, that I would have to prove myself in so many ways to people who are complete strangers. Yet anyone can get pregnant without proving a thing. People who are destined to abuse their children; people who can't care for themselves, let alone a child; people who don't have enough money to look after a family. People can churn out their 8th baby even though they support the rest through welfare alone. They can all just go ahead, for the most part unchallenged.

There seems to me to be something very wrong in a world where the irresponsible get (largely) overlooked when it comes to parenting, yet the infertiles, or people who just want to do good, get scrutinised to within an inch of their lives for daring to try to help the situation. I have always considered adoption to be a real possibility for us, whether or not I conceive myself, but the more I find out about it, the more I feel I just wouldn't have the energy.

In the News: The Telegraph "Infertility...a condition the NHS can ill-afford to treat"

I was alerted to something by a great infertility blog  - although I am in the UK I have never bought or read The Telegraph and was disgusted to read this particular article, arguing that the NHS, with all it's money woes, should not be funding IVF treatment.

Max Pemberton - apparently a "child psychiatrist" (so obviously very well placed to spout about fertility problems) - does not believe infertility is a disease. He is even reluctant to classify it as a medical problem at all. He blathers on that "While childlessness is distressing, it is not associated with long-term disability, morbidity or mortality...Rather, it is about people unable to have something that they want."

Good lord! My sincere apologies, Max. All this time while trying to figure out why my body doesn't work right and coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to do the most natural thing in the world - have my own child - I thought I was dealing with a medical problem. A condition. An internationally recognised syndrome. After reading your thoughtful article I now see that really I am just a spoilt child in a toy shop, screaming and stamping my feet because my mum won't buy me a Sindy doll. 

I also now see that, far from wanting a child being about my own natural desires, a wish to create something out of the love me and my fiance share, about fulfilling not only a basic, normal human urge but something I want to devote the rest of my life to, actually, I'm just trying to keep up with the Joneses. An "expectation on individuals to reproduce and become parents...childlessness is a status that does not readily fit within society’s cultural norms". I just want a baby because it's what everyone else has got. 

And of course, why am I putting myself through all this when "It’s not as if such people are being denied the chance to be parents at all. Adoption offers them the possibility of parenthood". Why don't I just apply for a child this weekend? Two maybe? I'm sure no time at all I'll forget all my problems!

To cut my sarcasm short, this article is ill-conceived (pardon the pun), badly constructed and downright rude. He is aligning fertility with something like freckles. Some people are born with them, some aren't, and why should the NHS fund giving you an item of such vanity for the sake of fashion? Freckle-less people aren't ill, their lives aren't about to be cut short, and there is no underlying medical problem causing you to be freckle-less. Of course, this is total tosh when applied to infertility. The vast majority of people with fertility issues - even if they are currently under the banner "unexplained" - have an underlying medical reason for that infertility. And - worse than that - increasingly environmental factors are being found to harm the delicate hormonal balances in the human body - toxic chemicals in plastics, certain foods, pestacides.

Let's look at it logically: the human race's ability to reproduce is the reason for our continued existence. If infertility had been rife in our ancestors, we may not have survived as a species. Therefore fertility is the norm; infertility is where there is a problem. Infertility doesn't just "happen" to some people due to "a quirk of fate" as Max so eloquently puts it. It is an abnormality somewhere in our systems. Bodily functions not working as they should. Totally against what our bodies are meant to do. Is this not what constitutes a medical problem?

Max implies that as infertility is not life threatening, it is not as important as "real" medical problems. But what about people with serious burns scars or phobias, or amputees? Reconstructive surgery after a masectomy? People who can't walk or talk because of a stroke? They're definitely not life threatening conditions, so probably shouldn't receive any NHS funding either. In fact, Max, by your own logic, you should be out of a job, because I'm fairly sure child psychiatry isn't one of the leading areas associated with "long-term disability, morbidity or mortality" which apparently is the criteria for determining whether or not you deserve help from the service you pay for.

The fact is, so much of what the NHS funds now could be classified as helping to improve quality of life, instead of extending life. Slot infertility into this category if you will - I see it as something more than that - but even if you accept it as only a "nice to have" rather than "vital" treatment, you align it with a huge proportion of what the NHS offers unchallenged.

Max also seems to imply that those who can't conceive should just accept that it's a natural condition, a quirk of fate. Well, by that logic, people who develop cancer or heart disease should just accept it as a "natural" condition - their body telling them they shouldn't live any longer. Should they be denied treatment too?

Basically, if you rule out treatment for anything that is not life threatening, and anything that just happens to people as a natural "quirk of fate", the NHS would only provide treatment for serious accidents, and a small minority of conditions directly caused by external environmental factors, such as asbestosis or radiation poisoning etc. Everything else would have to be paid for privately. 

Yes, there is only a limited amount of money and resources available, and yes, we have to prioritise. Which is why most NHS Trusts offer a maximum of 1 or 2 IVF cycles per elligible couple. Personally, if funding has to be cut from anywhere, I would much rather see the NHS stop helping people who have actively and directly caused their disease or condition: chronic overeaters, smokers, drug takers, alcoholics etc. - why should my taxes pay for them to receive treatment?

Which brings me to another point. The NHS is funded through my taxes. I therefore have as much right as anyone else to use the NHS to deal with my medical problems. I don't take up resources with my chronic fatigue or IBS, and I've been suffering with anxiety for most of my life without medical intervention. Why should I potentially be denied NHS funding for the one service I would actually pursue and use?

I would love nothing more than for the NHS to put more money into finding a cure for the various ailments that cause infertility, which would save them a hell of a lot of money in the long run. Unfortunately, it is considered to be too expensive, and the money is better spent treating the symptoms of these various ailments - among them infertility - than finding out why it occurs in the first place. If I could do something to naturally correct my PCOS, I would. But I can't, and so I will take all the medical assistance I can get. 

Of course, our friend Max puts a cherry on top by trotting out the old adoption solution, fall back of anyone who is anti-fertility treatment, anti-procreation, anti-life. What these people fail to realise is that wanting to have a child - your own biological child - is an inherent, deep rooted, totally natural urge, not a lifestyle choice, especially for those who can't conceive naturally. Does he think people suffering with infertility would willingly put themselves through intensive treatments, invasive procedures and years of emotional turmoil just so they can be like their friends? NO - this is something that goes through to the very core of what being human is about. Adoption is a fantastic option for some couples, but it isn't the solution for all. And with the ridiculous constraints on adoption, the lengthy and expensive processes and no guarantee of a positive outcome, it is more than many, who have already been through the mill with infertility, have strength for.

Finally I consistently find it baffling that so many consider the prolonging of life more important than creating new life. That intervening to make someone live 1, 5, 10 years more when their bodies have had enough is seen as a societal norm, yet assisting conception - the continuation of the species - is attacked. And then when we get people to live longer they get shoved in a nursing home and treated appallingly. It's a messed up world.

ETA: Ironic that the Telegraph doesn't produce an opinion piece on other, much more ludicrous, means of "wasting" NHS money...see here and here for just two examples that I found in their recent news.

Final edit: And now it all becomes clear. Max is a homosexual male. Max obviously does not see himself having any children naturally, and his article is sour grapes perhaps at the fact that he will have to pay for his children no matter what. Case closed.

Angry Chair

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 14

Meds: Met

Outlook: Really f%*!ed off

I am beginning to lose faith in the fertility consultants I see, particularly the one I bemoaned in the last post, even though I am lucky enough to go to a hospital which specialises in fertility.

So after last Wednesday's secretive scan, I toddled back on Friday not knowing what to expect. I was thrilled to discover I had 3 follicles maturing on the right side - one at 14mm, one at 14-15mm and one at 15-16mm - and my lining was looking good. She sent me for another oestradiol test (a horrible man who was clearly new to taking blood (or a sadist) and did the whole thing in painfully slow motion so it hurt as much as possible) and told me to halve my Meno.pur dose over the weekend.

So all weekend I was really excited, even though I was having to waste half a pod of drug each night (so pointless) and, yet again, started to think at last this was the cycle that was going to give us a real chance to get pregnant.

I was told to come back in today and so I went. First off, I had to wait nearly half an hour to be seen in a boiling hot waiting room (so hot a trickle of sweat came down to my elbow from my armpit) and then it was a doctor I've never seen before. He was really thorough at the scan, again saying my lining was excellent and then started measuring the follicles. This is where it started to go wrong. The three she saw on Friday have all grown to a mature size (between 20mm-23mm) but there is a fourth that is catching up (17mm) and a fifth which is smaller. He said I have over stimulated and the cycle would have to be cancelled.

I had to fight back tears on the couch (luckily it was dark so he couldn't see). He then was at pains to explain to me why they would not be giving me the trigger. I asked what would happen if I just ovulated on my own and he said "Well you can't have sex". WHAT?!?! "You could end up with quadruplets and you don't want that! Hahah!" He then spent ages working out the precise dimensions of the offending follicles before saying "Yes this can happen with PCO".........again WHAT?!?!

I then went to sit in the waiting room while he went to get the opinion of a nurse. I went in to see her and she said actually they were going to check the "cycle cancellation" decision with another doctor (Ms Helpful from Wed/Fri) but it looked likely it would be cancelled. She then told me to continue with my half dose of Meno.pur tonight and this time I said it out loud "WHAT?!?" She said she didn't want to be the one to make a decision to stop taking it (i.e. that it should be the doctor telling me) but I was like "Surely if I take more tonight, the biggest ones are just going to get bigger, and the ones that are borderline are going to catch up and there will be even more?" and she said "Ok don't take it tonight" - I was in disbelief. 

She then said I would have to go for yet another blood test (my third in less than a week) and based on my scan and the blood test results she would discuss with Ms Helpful tomorrow and give me a call. I then had to fight back tears all the way up to haematology. And - typical - of all the appointments I've had there, this was the one time Bubble couldn't come with me.

So there are several things that concern/down right annoy me:

• If there were too many follicles growing, why didn't Ms Helpful notice on Wednesday and tell me to halve my dose then?
• If there were definitely too many on Friday, why didn't she get me to stop the Meno.pur over the weekend and reassess on Monday?
• Surely my oestradiol numbers are the most reliable source of info - why after 2 blood tests and all these scans was this not picked up earlier?
• If over-stimulation typically happens with PCOS (and particularly after my over-response to Clo.mid) why wasn't I started on the minimum dose possible? They could then have increased it later on if I wasn't responding well enough
• If I ovulate tonight or tomorrow - as seems likely with follicles that big - telling me not to have sex from now isn't a failsafe way of preventing me getting pregnant since we already did it yesterday! So they have put me at risk of conceiving 4 babies
• If my follicles are already so big that I could ovulate at any given time, why then increase the chance of adding a couple more to that number by telling me to continue with the Menopur tonight?! And why did the nurse try to take the decision herself if she wasn't sure (which she obviously wasn't since my layman response made her change her mind)?
• Are these large follicles actually going to rupture at all, or am I going to be left with a mass of uncomfortable cysts that need another cycle off to get rid of?

Overall I'm gutted. It's now been 7 months since we started treatment. This is only my third medicated cycle and the third that has been a wasted opportunity for a pregnancy. All this just to ovulate, and I'm not even getting that right! Pregnancy seems a very very long way away tonight, and a real, actual baby even further. I can't believe that with all the injections, all the blood tests, all the appointments, somehow this has still gone wrong.

Of course, they can't stop us going ahead and having sex if we want to. And a large part of me is very tempted - why should I waste the only chance I've had so far?! Will wait and see what they say tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath.

What Not to Say to an Infertile

I have decided to keep a log of every insensitive, mean or downright ridiculous thing anyone says to me about ttc or infertility, and what I wish I had said back to them; hopefully it will be somewhat therapeutic -_-

(After a failed cycle)
Me: I'm so upset the Clo.mid didn't work, I'm going to be the only one left who isn't pregnant :(
My mum: Nevermind, you have a wedding to plan!
Yes I do, and obviously that precludes me from thinking about, wanting, or needing anything else in life! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!??>£"$

(During my "off" cycle due to a cyst)
Me: Luckily I've had all the honeymoon arranging to take my mind off of it
MIL-2B: Well sometimes that can work to your advantage
REALLY?! So my body is going to magically start working for the first time just because I've been thinking about something else?! AMAZING! What was I bothering with all those drugs for??

(From my pregnant SIL-2B when she found out I had PCOS)
SIL-2B: Well I was once told I couldn't have kids so I know exactly how she feels
Apart from the bit where you got pregnant without trying you mean?!

(My dad while I was playing with my BFF's baby)
My dad: See, all you need to do is get your ovaries sorted out and then you can have one of those!
Ahhhhhh is that all? Why didn't you say so before! 

(Pregnant friend who would complain incessantly about not being pregnant even though she and her husband only had sex once or twice a month - she finally got preggo after about 8 months of "trying" even though for about half of that they didn't have sex at the right time. Her benchmark for ttc lengths was her sister, who got pregnant first time on both tries)     
Chum: I know it took us a bit longer than most people, but you'll get there
Good grief, how did you honestly cope ttc for 8 months?! You deserve some kind of medal. And of course, you got there - and against all the odds it would seem - so that means I will too, I'm obviously making a big fuss out of nothing!

(Me fussing about on the sofa because of lumpy cushions)
Me: I just can't seem to get comfortable today
Dad: Are you pregnant?
Me: long pause No -_-
Dad: Oh, coz I've been hearing recently that that's a cause of it (He was referring to my nearly-8 month pregnant sister, who I haven't seen or spoken to since the news broke)
That's a cause of it if you have turned into a gargantuan heifer because you've been stuffing your face throughout the pregnancy.   

(During my "off" cycle due to a cyst, and after 2 failed Clo.mid cycles)
Chum: You never know, you might just get lucky and be pregnant in May. I have a friend who also has PCOS and she got pregnant on her first try when she came off the pill - maybe your first try after the treatment will be similar?
Well, I have a friend who has PCOS who hasn't been able to have a child despite years of trying and many different drugs; how do you know I won't be just like her?
 

Outted

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 25

Meds: Met + supps

Outlook: Lonely

Now, I am not one to post a lot in open forums on the internet - it's part of the reason I have this (anonymous) blog. I lurk on message boards and am a people-watcher on Facebook, rarely posting status updates etc, but due to the PETA campaign besmirching NIAW I felt compelled to say something. So I posted a link to the petition against the PETA campaign which for me felt like quite a bold move, since hardly anyone on there knows that we are ttc, much less about my pcos and treatment etc (not that the post explicitely stated anything about our situation, but I would assume many people made the connection).

It generated rather a lot of comments - 42 to be precise! And I just thought for the benefit of the ttc and/or infertility community I would share some of these gems of "wisdom":

• "Tbh I could get right behind that. The world is overpopulated as it is"
•  "If you're infertile, it's nature telling you you're not meant to breed. Breeding is selfish as it is"
• "The great thing about being human is that we can *choose* not to do things that are detrimental to ourselves and our environment, unfortunately it seems that, due to these detrimental effects not being visible immediately (we are after all used to getting what we want at the touch of a button these days); the fact that they are unlikely to cause the adults that are alive now too much hardship and also the inherent 'drive to reproduce' that is present in all of us; the lack of education about the overpopulation of the planet and the problems that this is causing NOW; the unlikeliness that many people are prepared to make themselves and their entire family 'cease to exist' (not to mention the other factors that come into play regarding murder and suicide), it doesnt seem likely that many people in our western society are prepared to do anything to reduce the harm we are causing our species let alone try to suggest that you don't necesarily *have* to have children."
• "It's more the selfishness side of bringing kids into a world that's in this state that I have a problem with. Personally, if I could have chosen to not be born, and not to live in this world and be contributing towards it's downfall, ...then I would have checked the 'opt out' button. The fact that I also happen to be unable to have kids in my view is a positive. I understand people still feel the need to bring more lives into this world, but what with fuel prices rises, diseases, social collapse, political turmoil, price of living, etc.etc. I don't see why they'd want to inflict such an uncertain future on their offspring. I can choose not to breed, and nature can choose to tell you not to breed, but unfortunately we can't choose to have not been born."
• "Personally, I'd like to see those unable to conceive take nature's sign that they're not meant to, and for adoption of unwanted churned out kids to be made much easier."
• "If it's something easily solved with a quick procedure then fair play, but couples who put themselves through round after round of IVF treatment, endless miscarriages, or surgery on themselves in order to have a baby, sometimes I do just wonder why they don't take nature's hint and maybe accept it's not for them, it's not right" 

You can bet I responded to each and every one. I think it goes to show just how necessary something like NIAW is, because there are so many people out there who just don't understand what infertility is, what it means, how it affects people. The second quote up there, she seems to think that "infertility" is the same as "being infertile". As usual, adoption was rolled out as the solution for every infertile. The majority of the comments droned on about "overpopulation" etc without a thought as to the point of my original post - that those suffering through infertility would be hurt by it.  In one of my replies, I tried to explain that these kind of statements could be really hurtful to someone going through infertility, and that because there is a certain "stigma" attached to it, the hurter might not even know....so basically that it pays to bite your tongue about certain issues unless you know who you are talking to properly.

But by far the worst comment is one I haven't posted above in which the commenter stated that they were "surprised that an intelligent person" like me would hold such opinions. As if I'm somehow ruled only by my base instincts if I am in anyway pro-reproduction. That if I had a brain I would surely see that being staunchly anti-babies, anti-breeding, anti-hope is the only way to go. It was an awakening as to exactly the kind of people I know. Needless to say, they won't be getting a wedding invite...

 

In the News: PETA (Pathetic, Egotistic, Tactless Arseholes?)

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 19

Meds: Met + DIM, D3, chromium, B complex, folic acid O_O

Outlook: Grrrrrr

Nothing new to report on the ttc front. Haven't been temping but know I haven't (yet?) ovulated. Luckily I have been very busy the last couple of weeks with wedding planning and honeymoon booking which has been a great distraction as this cycle ticks past.

However, I was alerted to a campaign which instantly invoked rage via a friend's post on Facebook. PETA (USA branch), known for their well-measured, appropriate campaigning - ha - are offering a supporter the chance to "win" a vasectomy if they have also had their cat/dog sterilised. This in itself doesn't bother me - though I do consider it rather bad taste and simply a shock-tactic to gain more notoriety no change there then - but what really does is the fact that they are attempting to tie the promotion in with National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). 

I am loathe to get too irate about this because I am sure that's just what PETA want - more publicity - but at best it is inappropriate, offensive and ignorant. Whether they really have misunderstood what NIAW is about is up for debate, but if that's the case then they really need to get some better publicity staff. NIAW is about raising awareness of infertility - with all its many and varied causes - and the very real impact not being able to conceive has on people's lives. Suggesting that removing someone else's ability to reproduce somehow honours this cause is deeply worrying.

They harp on about human life "crowding out animal life on the planet" and how "with a global population of almost 7 billion humans, more of our species could use a (voluntary) snip too". I will reduce my response to bullets otherwise I may be here all day:

• without humans, there would be no dogs or cats or any other pets. They exist because we choose to have them - and in many cases, bred them for this purpose - and in a human-less world, they would almost certainly be extinguished by larger predators. This goes for chickens, sheep, cows etc too. They only exist because we do. And without people, there is no one to look after the animals that PETA seeks to protect
• someone who is willing to volunteer for a vasectomy is likely to be someone who was not intending to reproduce in the future anyway. If PETA is really concerned about over-population of the planet, it would be more appropriate and effective for them to focus their efforts on providing contraception in developing countries, rethinking sex education for young people or seeking to simplify the adoption process.
• people who are infertile, the ones who will get something out of NIAW, are not the ones "overcrowding the planet" - associating a campaign about such an issue with infertility is not only hurtful to those going through it, but also completely pointless. Tie it in with a "stop reproducing" campaign (if you MUST), but leave infertility out of it

As a side note, I have never, and will never understand people who go on about the planet being over-populated, and how humans are a scourge on the earth etc etc ad nauseum - if that's the case then stop moaning and cease to exist right now and take all your loved ones with you! No? I didn't think so. It's hypocritical in the extreme to be complaining about the problem whilst being part of it.


This hijacking of a supportive campaign is something PETA should feel ashamed of. I have always been pro-animal rights but there is no way I will be supporting anything PETA does from now on. I hope that this merely serves to alienate a huge portion of society rather than generate a lot of media interest as I suspect PETA hopes.


You can show your disgust at the campaign here - please pass it on.

The Simmering

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 11

Meds: Met

Outlook: -_-

So two weekends ago we went to visit Bubble's mum for the day and decided to tell her we are ttc and about my fertility problems. We did this for a few reasons:

• so that if/when I do get pregnant, it is not a total shock
• so that we have additional support through the whole thing (particularly since my mum made it clear we can't get it from her...)
• so that she would feel included from the beginning
• to prevent unsolicited familial comments such as "so when are you two gonna have one then?"

Since my sister got pregnant, I realised one of the things I was most sad about was that I don't get to produce my parents' first grandchild. I had seen it as a rite of passage for them that I was totally excluded from, but being the older child, I felt that it should've been mine to provide. Instead, I thought, we will at least produce Bubble's mum's first grandchild. She was thrilled to bits for us when we told her, and interested and concerned to hear about the fertility issues. We made it clear that it could be several years before we get a baby (if we get one at all). I talked to her about the treatments I'd had and may have in the future, and how Bubble would be going for a second semen analysis to rule out any problems his "end".
Flash forward 5 days, and it didn't help my severe Clo.mid side effects to hear that my soon to be sister-in-law is randomly, unexpectedly pregnant. Big shock, not least because she and Bubble's brother have only just got back together after a six month long split. She's two months gone, and apparently confident that it's his. It was a final straw for me. Officially, everyone I know is pregnant; all friends, all family of reproductive age, co-workers or their spouses. There is now no refuge from pregnancy, anywhere I turn someone with a particular glow is there smiling back at me.

On top of this we found out that Bubble's mum had been spilling the beans about US ttc. She told Bubble's brother and his pregnant girlfriend not only that we were ttc, but about my problems too. I felt ever so slightly betrayed by this - as we had told her in confidence and I didn't expect within days it would be a general discussion topic.

Bubble's mum had also spilled the beans to her sister and mother (i.e. Bubble's aunt and grandma) that we are ttc (but nothing about my problems). I couldn't work out if this was better or somehow worse - my privacy has been kept, but telling family we are ttc like we have no problems means that in six months if nothing has happened people are going to start asking questions. Or generally think that it's ok to bring up the topic of us trying to reproduce when we are at family gatherings.

This was all too much and I admit I howled for hours. We took it for granted she would keep it quiet given the situation, but I now realise I need to spell it out for people - the more people that know, the greater the pressure of expectation on something that could take years to happen. I know she was just happy and excited for us, and meant us no harm, but it's all come at a bad time. I'm now left kind of wishing that we had just kept it to ourselves.

This weekend I have to meet up with an ex-colleague who is about 4 months pregnant. It's the first time I'll have seen her since it happened. She's been pushing and pushing for us to meet up, even though we weren't particularly good friends (though she did know about us ttc) and now I can't help but think that she just wants to show off her bump and talk non-stop about baby stuff. I'm dreading it.

And then the same night I am going out for a birthday meal with my parents, and Bubble's mum, brother and his pregnant girlfriend. What a happy little party that is going to be.....NOT. I have already told Bubble that if the conversation hovers on pregnancy or babies for longer than a picosecond I am getting up and walking out.

And then Sunday is my 28th birthday. And 4 years since I first started ttc. And 1 year since I started ttc with Bubble.

I hate that I've become such a bitter person when it comes to other people being pregnant and other people involving themselves in my fertility issues, but I don't know how else to be. I can't help it if I get upset about these things, or feel angry, or both. And I try hard not to let people see how I feel because I don't want them to feel hurt or think badly of me. So I have to just let it simmer

Facebrag

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 31

Meds: 1000mg Met.formin

Outlook: grrrrr

"I have carried a human life inside my body I have comforted a baby on my chest I have been puked, peed & pooped on ive woken up to a hungry baby & stayed up all night with a sick baby but I wouldn't have it any other way my body isn't magazine perfect but when I look in the mirror I see.........a mummy and there is no greater honor or blessing!!! make this your status if you are a proud mummy cuz i am!!!"

"Does she work.... Yes she does!!!... 24 hours a day. why? Coz shes a MUM... a cook, a cleaner, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handyman, a maid, a photographer, a councilor, a chauffer and a comforter... she don't get holidays, sick pay or any days off.. she works through the DAY and NIGHT.... litrally on call 24 hours!!!"

Just a couple of the delightful chain-status updates I have seen on Facebook in recent months. I can't help but wonder what is the point of them other than to brag about the fact you've had children? It's as if the assumption is that motherhood is looked down upon, that mothers are being vilified in some way in society, and by putting this as your status you are somehow defying that and standing up for yourself and mothers in general. 

 Except I really don't think that's the case. Of course you get the odd newspaper article about working mothers vs stay-at-home mothers and that kind of thing, but I really don't feel at all that there is any stigma attached to being a mother. Feigning defensiveness just seems like a good excuse to paste your smugness across the interwebs.

 Luckily neither of these were posted by my actual FB "friends", otherwise I would've had to make some kind of comment (and possibly a deletion!). Of course there is no harm in being a "proud mummy" - and I'm sure I will be filled with pride if I ever get to be one - but this kind of bragging is also pretty hurtful to people who may be dealing with infertility, miscarriage or any other problem conceiving (and some of this posters friends are).

 It's true, there is "no greater honour or blessing" than being able to bring a life into the world, no one would deny that. And being that it is such a great, personal, deeply poignant moment in life, why would anyone choose to celebrate that by reposting a generic, badly thought out, poorly written blurb?

 I'm not saying everyone should tread on eggshells 24/7 in case an infertile is lurking somewhere, listening in and taking offense.  Of course not. I would feel as bad about that as I do about these statuses. I just think that expressing your joy in your family and children can be done in other, much more genuine ways than this which won't come across as rubbing other peoples' noses in the fact. Ways that come from the heart rather than from the keyboard of someone somewhere reveling in smug superiority.