Sunshine on a Rainy Day

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 25

Meds: Met

Outlook: TGIF

I believe I have ovulated. The problem is I don't know when. I've been having uterus twinges - occasionally verging on cramps - for a week now, which is a sure sign. And although my nipples were sensitive anyway because of the Meno.pur, this whole week my boobs have been very sore, feeling heavier and tender, and I noticed some blue veins appearing.

Of course, this got me very excited, and I have been looking at them every night to see if I can see anything else. It could always just be a coincidence, or it could be that the Meno.pur effects are still going strong, but I have a tiny shred of hope.

I had promised myself I would not do a pregnancy test until next Tuesday, but I caved in today and did one - very negative. I still feel hopeful though as potentially I'm only 7 or 8 days past ovulation and there is still time. I'll have to wait now as I've completely run out of preggo tests - need to order some in a moment.

If I did ovulate, the next question is how many popped? There were 4, possibly 5 ripe follies. This has me both very excited and slightly concerned. On the one hand, that many options has got to mean that my chances of conception are higher. On the other, 4 children in one go would be quite a challenge. But like I keep telling people who say "Omg FOUR?!?!", I would rather have four in one go than none at all.

I realise I am probably grasping at straws thinking something will come of this cycle, but it's my way of coping with the fact that otherwise I'm out til July. A little self delusion can go a long way.

After expressing my dismay at this cycle being cancelled in a text to my MIL-2B, she replied "Don't worry about it, I'm sure you have enough to think about, what with the wedding...". I do wish people would stop saying that. Yes the wedding is a big day, and there has been a fair bit of organising, but the world doesn't stop because of it. It doesn't detract in any way from what I feel about wanting to get pregnant. If I'm still able to think about work and shopping and all those other mundane things, I'm sure as hell still able to think about ttc. Wedding organising is not a distraction from something that is the most important thing to me. Besides which, pretty much everything is done now, so if anything I have LESS distracting me than before.

"Super" Me

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 15

Meds: Met

Outlook: bluurghghgh

Well, the results are in: cycle cancelled due to "super-ovulation". I suppose it's sweet of them to try to make me feel successful at something -_- The clinic hadn't rung by lunch time so I called and left a reminder message. Then somehow my phone didn't even ring and the next time I looked at it I had a voicemail. Had to wait til I got out of a meeting at 3pm before I could listen to it. The only advice she had was to come back when I start to bleed....yeh thanks for that.

So I rang again and asked for someone to call me back as I had a few questions. The nicest nurse there called and I went through a few things with her:

- The oestradiol number was high, and from that they deduce that I will ovulate but they can't tell when. She said obviously there was a chance I wouldn't, and/or that one or more of the follicles would become a cyst.

- I shouldn't have sex for the foreseeable future due to the risk of a multiples pregnancy, but she admitted she couldn't stop us if that's what we decided to do.

- Even if I don't develop a cyst, chances are I will have to take next cycle off to let the ovary recover before doing any more treatment.

- My response has been unusual to both Clo.mid and Meno.pur and they couldn't have predicted what would happen, even with the intensive monitoring.

- The dose of Meno.pur I was put on was the standard dose that most people would start at, and for the next active cycle they will probably halve it.

- I should wait 2.5-3 weeks and if I haven't bled yet I should go back for a scan and then induce a bleed.

I'm still feeling really frustrated about this cycle and really upset, and after I put down the phone I just cried for about half an hour. If it's this hard to ovulate what chance do I have of actually getting pregnant? I'm starting to feel scared - what if none of the ovulation induction drugs work on me? What if I only ever over- or under-respond? Will I just have to move straight to IVF without passing go?

We are going to carry on trying this cycle. Me reasoning is this: a follicle that grows beyond about 24mm is considered too big to carry a 100% healthy, ripe egg. I have 2 that were at the top end of this range yesterday, so they will be even bigger by the time I finally ovulate (I did a digital ovulation test yesterday which was negative, so I assume I have a few more days before any eggs will appear) which means the chances of either containing a viable egg are small. Even if such an egg was fertilised it would be unlikely to continue beyond a week or so. So that leaves 2 follicles. If they both release and if they are both healthy there is a small chance both could be fertilised. I'm happy to take that risk.

I just can't sit back and do nothing for the best part of 2 months while life and time just tick away. If this cycle amounts to nothing (which I'm assuming it will) it will be July at the earliest before I get pregnant - and that's assuming that I'm incredibly lucky and get pregnant on my first proper successful cycle (which also seems unlikely). I'm completely fed up of waiting, it's all I seem to do. Wait wait wait wait wait. Everyone else gets a chance each and every month to get pregnant; I haven't even had one chance in the 4 years I've been trying. It's like I'm the only one not to complete a 100m race because I can't even find my way out of the changing room, let alone onto the track and down to the finish line. This is the most depressed and negative I have felt for a long, long time and I don't like it.

Angry Chair

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 14

Meds: Met

Outlook: Really f%*!ed off

I am beginning to lose faith in the fertility consultants I see, particularly the one I bemoaned in the last post, even though I am lucky enough to go to a hospital which specialises in fertility.

So after last Wednesday's secretive scan, I toddled back on Friday not knowing what to expect. I was thrilled to discover I had 3 follicles maturing on the right side - one at 14mm, one at 14-15mm and one at 15-16mm - and my lining was looking good. She sent me for another oestradiol test (a horrible man who was clearly new to taking blood (or a sadist) and did the whole thing in painfully slow motion so it hurt as much as possible) and told me to halve my Meno.pur dose over the weekend.

So all weekend I was really excited, even though I was having to waste half a pod of drug each night (so pointless) and, yet again, started to think at last this was the cycle that was going to give us a real chance to get pregnant.

I was told to come back in today and so I went. First off, I had to wait nearly half an hour to be seen in a boiling hot waiting room (so hot a trickle of sweat came down to my elbow from my armpit) and then it was a doctor I've never seen before. He was really thorough at the scan, again saying my lining was excellent and then started measuring the follicles. This is where it started to go wrong. The three she saw on Friday have all grown to a mature size (between 20mm-23mm) but there is a fourth that is catching up (17mm) and a fifth which is smaller. He said I have over stimulated and the cycle would have to be cancelled.

I had to fight back tears on the couch (luckily it was dark so he couldn't see). He then was at pains to explain to me why they would not be giving me the trigger. I asked what would happen if I just ovulated on my own and he said "Well you can't have sex". WHAT?!?! "You could end up with quadruplets and you don't want that! Hahah!" He then spent ages working out the precise dimensions of the offending follicles before saying "Yes this can happen with PCO".........again WHAT?!?!

I then went to sit in the waiting room while he went to get the opinion of a nurse. I went in to see her and she said actually they were going to check the "cycle cancellation" decision with another doctor (Ms Helpful from Wed/Fri) but it looked likely it would be cancelled. She then told me to continue with my half dose of Meno.pur tonight and this time I said it out loud "WHAT?!?" She said she didn't want to be the one to make a decision to stop taking it (i.e. that it should be the doctor telling me) but I was like "Surely if I take more tonight, the biggest ones are just going to get bigger, and the ones that are borderline are going to catch up and there will be even more?" and she said "Ok don't take it tonight" - I was in disbelief. 

She then said I would have to go for yet another blood test (my third in less than a week) and based on my scan and the blood test results she would discuss with Ms Helpful tomorrow and give me a call. I then had to fight back tears all the way up to haematology. And - typical - of all the appointments I've had there, this was the one time Bubble couldn't come with me.

So there are several things that concern/down right annoy me:

• If there were too many follicles growing, why didn't Ms Helpful notice on Wednesday and tell me to halve my dose then?
• If there were definitely too many on Friday, why didn't she get me to stop the Meno.pur over the weekend and reassess on Monday?
• Surely my oestradiol numbers are the most reliable source of info - why after 2 blood tests and all these scans was this not picked up earlier?
• If over-stimulation typically happens with PCOS (and particularly after my over-response to Clo.mid) why wasn't I started on the minimum dose possible? They could then have increased it later on if I wasn't responding well enough
• If I ovulate tonight or tomorrow - as seems likely with follicles that big - telling me not to have sex from now isn't a failsafe way of preventing me getting pregnant since we already did it yesterday! So they have put me at risk of conceiving 4 babies
• If my follicles are already so big that I could ovulate at any given time, why then increase the chance of adding a couple more to that number by telling me to continue with the Menopur tonight?! And why did the nurse try to take the decision herself if she wasn't sure (which she obviously wasn't since my layman response made her change her mind)?
• Are these large follicles actually going to rupture at all, or am I going to be left with a mass of uncomfortable cysts that need another cycle off to get rid of?

Overall I'm gutted. It's now been 7 months since we started treatment. This is only my third medicated cycle and the third that has been a wasted opportunity for a pregnancy. All this just to ovulate, and I'm not even getting that right! Pregnancy seems a very very long way away tonight, and a real, actual baby even further. I can't believe that with all the injections, all the blood tests, all the appointments, somehow this has still gone wrong.

Of course, they can't stop us going ahead and having sex if we want to. And a large part of me is very tempted - why should I waste the only chance I've had so far?! Will wait and see what they say tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath.

Easter Egg?

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 32

Meds: No change

Outlook: Intrigued

So I went for my appointment today...saw a very lovely doctor. The most excellent news is the cyst has gone! And the strange news is my lining was very thick - to the point that she even suggested early pregnancy - and I had what she thought might be a corpus luteum on the right. And in an odd twist of fate, I did actually have a few little twinges on the right last night, so I'm wondering if it's possible I did ovulate (none of the usual signs that it's happened yet though..)

They did a pregnancy test there which was negative (surprise!) and she asked me to do another one tomorrow - but obviously if I did O, and by some miracle get preggo, it wouldn't show up until at least a week's time. Either way, I got a script for Pro.vera, so I can take that if it ends up looking like I didn't ovulate. Now I'm not sure how long to wait...

I also picked up my Meno.pur and trigger. The Meno.pur looks so weird, I didn't realise it actually comes as a powder which you then have to mix! No sign of whatever I use to inject it with so I assume I will get that when I go in for my first dose. 

I'm feeling a lot more positive about this next cycle, pleased to be free of the cyst and excited to see how well the injects work =D I would be interested to hear anyone else's experience on Meno.pur....

Finally a TWW

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 31 - 11dpo

Meds: Met

Outlook: Hopeful

The Death Star was still there at 3 days past trigger, so was officially considered a cyst at around 4cm diameter. I can assure you I didn't need the ultrasound to prove it was there, the sucker was VERY uncomfortable until Monday really, but has definitely shrunk in the last few days. No more running to the toilet every 10 minutes because of the pressure on my bladder - bonus!

I went for a blood test on Monday morning to find out if I ovulated. I got the result today and OMG yes, I did! My progesterone level was 34.5 at 9 dpo which is pretty good all things considered. So I assume either the follicle on the right matured quickly and then released an egg, or the Death Star was so huge it was blocking another mature follicle on the left.

So I am approaching the end of the two week wait. Annoyingly, I still can't crack out the pregnancy tests because I had the trigger shot at 2 dpo and it will likely still show up in my system. However, I have Friday off work, and by that point will be 13 dpo/11dpt, so I'm going to allow myself a little test then.

Of course I've been scrutinising my symptoms to within an inch of their lives. My boobs are definitely pretty tender and nipples ouchily sensitive. I've had some minor cramping in the uterus area, and some stretchy feelings, but I've had all that before in previous ovulatory cycles so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I have been crazily tired, but that could just be the chronic fatigue. And I've had a monster appetite the last few days.

I can't believe what a roller-coaster this cycle has been - going from no hope at all to actually quite a bit of hope multiple times over and over. I'm hoping I don't have to go another round with Clo.mid, it doesn't seem to be particularly compatible with me. It would just be amazing if it worked this time.

The Death Star

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 24

Meds: Met

Outlook: Frustrated

It's been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I went for my CD19 scan and the left follicle had grown to 27mm. They also found a 12mm one on the right. I was even more thrilled than before. The doc decided not to give me my trigger shot as my lining was still a little thin (6.5mm I think) but she said with a follicle that size I would most likely ovulate on my own over the weekend.

I was really hopeful and happy, but as the day wore on, doubt started to creep in. I read that a follicle over 25mm probably didn't contain a viable egg, and I wished I had requested the trigger at the appointment so that it ruptured as soon as possible. I was using the ClearBlue digital ovulation tests, as recommended by the clinic. They told me to use one a day, first thing in the morning and they were all negative. However, for my own purposes I used a strip test on Saturday night (CD20) and I thought it looked positive....

Sunday (CD21) and I started to feel very uncomfortable in my abdomen on the left. I was also having to go to the toilet a lot more frequently than usual. My CB test was negative again, and so I assumed the strip test the night before had been a fluke.

Monday (CD22) I rang the clinic and told them I could still feel the follicle, was in quite a bit of discomfort and that all my CB ovulation tests had been negative. I went in for another scan and the left follicle was a gargantuan 35mm! I was not happy, and again asked the doc if this meant there was no viable egg inside, but he insisted that because the follicle had only grown within the cycle, there was no reason to assume it didn't have an egg. It was quite disturbing to see this massive black mass on the ultrasound, like a lost alien spaceship. Helpfully though, my lining had increased to 8.5mm - ideal for implantation.

He didn't spend long looking at the right ovary - I guess because all the attention was on the giant lefthand one - but he said he couldn't see anything significant in there, and that the follicle had most likely shrunk back. He then said they would (finally) give me the trigger shot, which was fine, and that I would ovulate within 24-36 hours.

I went home happy again but (again) the doubt started to creep in. I wondered if in fact the cheap strip test from CD20 was accurate and if the right hand follicle had reached maturity and ruptured secretly. Then I was worried that the trigger shot would cause harm if I had already ovulated. And I was in so much discomfort I began to wonder if even the shot would be able to rupture the Death Star.

Tuesday (CD23) I was in considerable discomfort just walking around. We tried to do "homework" as the fertility nurse calls it, and it sent shooting pains up the left side of my abdomen. I was bloated and had serious trapped gas. I did, however, start to get sensitive nipples - usually a sure sign that I have ovulated - but I wondered if it was just from the shot. But then, I put my temperature into my chart, and the chart automatically put me at ovulating on Saturday (based on my temps) - if you take into account the possibly positive OPK on the same day it looks fairly promising.

So here I am on CD24, almost 48 hours post trigger and I can still feel the Death Star. I'm now convinced it is a cyst and I'm not happy. I am going in for another scan tomorrow and I hope they will be able to give me some answers. Specifically:

• Is it a cyst formed from a ruptured or unruptured follicle?
• Is there any chance I already ovulated from the other ovary?
• If it is a cyst, and I did ovulate, could it impede a pregnancy this cycle?
• If it is a cyst, when and how can we make it go away?

I feel pretty gutted. I knew it was too good to be true when a follicle appeared out of nowhere. I've been reading up online (I know, it's not good) and apparently it can take 1-3 MONTHS for a cyst to shrink! And obviously it's not possible to start another round of fertility drugs until it's gone. I've also read of people who had to take BCP for a month to help shrink it! I really hope it doesn't come to that, it took me a year to get back any semblance of a cycle after I stopped BCP the last time, it will really feel like a step backwards.

Thankfully, we got in a lot of "homework" this cycle - if I did ovulate on CD20 we have all our bases covered. We were also using Pre-seed.


Yet again I am struck by how unlikely pregnancy is.....I just don't understand how it can happen so easily for some. I also can't believe how much stress and detailed observation is required for just this part of the process! If I ever do get pregnant I will truly see it as a miracle.