In the Bag

How much pregnant: 12+2
Meds: Met + prenatal combi + fish oil
Outlook: Overwhelmed <3

It's been quite a while since I posted. There are two reasons for this: 1) nothing new to report in terms of the minikin since the last scan and 2) I've been trying to keep myself calm and sane, and I found the best way to do this in the early weeks is to all but ignore what's going on. Perhaps not the most healthy way to deal with it, but it's worked for me. By allowing only very small parts of my brain to scream "I'm pregnant!!!!!" at irregular intervals, I have stopped the large part of my brain constantly going "What's new to panic about?" registering that anything has actually changed.

This week though I have breathed several very large sighs of relief: reaching the 12 week mark, seeing my now mostly formed baby, and finding out that the risks of the baby having any of the major things wrong with it are very slim.

But first let me backtrack a little... On Sunday 26th June at 7+5 we met our mums (and my dad, much to our surprise) in Covent Garden and went for lunch at a little Belgian restaurant. The 'rents were excitedly asking Bubble about his driving lessons, and while I surreptitiously removed last entry's u/s scan from my purse, he asked "So what's everyone doing on 7th February? I think it's a Tuesday...". Of course everyone was baffled, going "February? That's ages away" and such like. And just before any of them had a chance to twig, I swooped (Bubble would say 'slammed') the u/s pic down on the table in front of them whilst trilling (Bubble would say 'shouting') "Because that's when our baby is due!!!!!". Both mothers sat there open mouthed for at least 3 minutes which was the funniest sight before they all launched into congratulations and hugs and a few tears and lots of questions. It was a great day.

From 8-10wks I had what I'm going to very tentatively call "morning sickness", though really it was nothing more than aversions to certain things, of which even just the thought could almost make me heave. But I wasn't sick at all. I've had cravings - mostly bad foods like pizza, lasagne (very cheesy), burgers and salty chips, and normal things that I might eat - cheese (unmelted), water, crackers - have completely turned me off.

On the whole I have to say I've been really really lucky and have somehow managed to get away with barely any symptoms at all. I've not been more tired than usual, no vomiting, boobs haven't hurt since about 8 weeks. I've really had it very easy. And bizarrely I feel I can even say that I understand how some women can be pregnant and not even realise! Because with my totally unreliable cycles anyway, if I hadn't been trying to get pregnant and read up all about it, I probably wouldn't have guessed yet.

From 10 weeks for a few days I felt very sore around my pelvic bone. And miraculously, when the pain subsided I realised a small mound had developed just above it. It's slightly hard and tender there, and feels very full. And from time to time I have what I describe as pinching sensations - like someone is pincer-ing my uterus between thumb and forefinger and pulling slightly. The minikin is growing!

At 11 weeks someone at work guessed I was preggo!! I am quite impressed by this since I don't look pregnant in any obvious way, but she said she saw me walk passed the office door and she just knew - that there was something "different" about me. I have been very intrigued ever since. So now a couple of people know, but I'm going to hold off telling the boss for as long as possible (she already hates me because I'm taking 5 weeks off for my honeymoon slap bang in the middle of the department's busiest period...). Also during this week I ordered and received a doppler from amazon and altogether rather more quickly than I had imagined, we were listening to the baby's heartbeat! It was the most amazing sound, and so reassuring that there was actually something in there and the whole thing hadn't been my imagination.

So that brings us to this week, week 12. At the start of this pregnancy I had very little faith that I would reach this milestone, it seemed so far away and there seemed so many things that could go wrong in the meantime. But we made it =) Today we went for the NT scan and I was very nervous - not just for the obvious reasons but because I drank 2.5 cups of fennel tea yesterday for a stomach ache before finding out that fennel should be drunk with caution in pregnancy because it is a uterine stimulant and can cause miscarriage. So of course I was up half the night upset and anxious that I had ruined everything.

The sonographer was a lovely Eastern European man (complete with hairy mole on his arm that both Bubble and I noticed) who took his time and explained everything to us without our prompting. The baby was there! And it was human! (Tom was rooting for dragon). It was bopping about so much that it actually gave the guy a hard time getting the NT measured, the nose bone located and an accurate crown-rump length. We saw all the major bits: heart, kidneys, arms, legs, brain (slightly odd to see), spine, even ribs! Everything was checked - the pump rate of each individual side of the baby's heart, the rate my blood was being shared with the baby, the size of the placenta, the depth of my birth canal (to determine risk of pre-term labour). Very thorough, and thankfully, everything was normal. I was amazed how, when the sonographer wanted the baby to move and would tap on my abdomen, the baby would actually respond by squirming about! By the end of the scan, worn out no doubt by all the prodding, the baby seemed to have settled down for a nap, possibly complete with hiccups. It was all too adorable for words.

I also had the blood tests done, all of which came back normal. The risk of Down's syndrome is 1/22,000 which is very reassuring. They checked for a few other chromosomal abnormalities too, and the risk of those was equally tiny. Additionally, I am low risk for pre-eclampsia.

So anyway, here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Minikin laying on its back, all tuckered out after a busy morning of squirming. Heart rate: 153bpm, CRL: 58mm

 Another body shot, this time capturing the leg action and a couple of fingers just above its nose

 Head shot of minikin's cute profile <3

Ups and Downs

How much pregnant: 5+4

Meds: Met

Outlook: Tearing my hair out

So no-one ever tells you about early pregnancy anxiety. I have suffered with various forms of anxiety in my life, so I was kind of expecting something, but it has come as quite a shock.

I think the problem is that before, when I was un-pregnant, I didn't really have anything but a shred of hope each cycle. I expected things not to work. I had set back after set back and didn't have particularly high expectations. I had nothing to lose. I did this to protect myself from disappointment, to make it easier when things didn't go as planned. Suddenly, I have this real, tangible thing to pour my hope into and something to lose in the worst possible way.

The problem is also that suddenly, now I am pregnant, there are only two possible outcomes: 1) I will get what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me, or 2) I will lose what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is no middle ground. It's very hard to find a balance between anticipating and preparing for the best, but keeping in mind the possibility of the worst, because they are at drastically opposite ends of the scale. In trying to reconcile these very different possible outcomes, you end up teetering along a narrow string of sanity, veering wildly from ecstasy and amazement one minute, to total despair the next. I wish I could just fast forward through to 12 weeks so that I would know whether this is something to believe in.

I've been taking pregnancy tests every few days, just to check it's still true. I've been reading up WAY too much online about Things You Shouldn't Read About When Pregnant and have sent myself into fits of hysteria. I've obsessed over whether it's an ectopic because I got some twinges on my right side. I've analysed every symptom when it seems like it's fading or changing. I've completely convinced myself that this isn't going to work out and everything is doomed.

On the flip side, I've been looking up maternity and baby clothes, furniture and bedding. I've thought about how being pregnant at our wedding and on our honeymoon will change the experience. I've started a pregnancy journal and taking belly shots. I've enjoyed talking to The Bean and imagining myself with a bump. And I've taken a glimpse of our life after this baby arrives.

I do feel like I've been driving myself mad. I've just woken up this morning and already I'm thinking "Hmmm my boobs don't feel as sore today...that must be a bad sign". I really panicked over the ectopic thing, especially as I read that ovulation induction treatment increases your chances. So I took myself off for an early scan yesterday afternoon (got there at 1:45pm, told clinic opened at 2:30, told there were 3 people before me at 30 min appts each, waited to be seen until just gone 5pm) with Bubble just to check that everything was where it should be.

We didn't see much, but the Dr confirmed there is a sac in the womb (too early to really make out anything inside it), a shadow-y shape that could possibly be a second sac in the womb (but I don't think it is as I don't think my symptoms are strong enough for more than one baby) and definitely nothing in my tubes or on my ovaries, which was amazingly reassuring. I got a look at the corpus luteum too, all big and void-like, and he said it looked like a good strong one.

So that's ectopic ticked off my worry list. But the problem is there is just so much else to worry about, and so much that can go wrong. I have another scan booked for 7 weeks, which is on 21st June and hopefully at that one we will see The Bean proper, and a hearthbeat if there is one. In the mean time, there are plenty of days to fill with fretting and joy.

Mysterious Ways

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 35

Meds: Met

Outlook: O_O

It's been a very crazy week. Between Thurs 26th and Tues 31st May, 5 people I know had their babies. The most important of these being my sister and my best friend. My sister and I are still not on speaking terms, but my mum gave me the lowdown: she had a 48 hour labour, then was going to have a forceps delivery, and then after all that had to have a c-section under general anaesthetic. My mum was there throughout and apparently was appalled by the treatment in the hospital (she's a nurse herself) so is going to be making a formal complaint. We later discovered that the hospital is even under investigation for the deaths of two new mothers recently, so that's not good at all. So, given the situation I haven't spoken to my sister, or seen the baby other than a few pictures on a mutual friend's facebook. She was a 9lber so not surprising it ended in caesarian.

My best friend had a very different experience. She was slightly overdue, but hadn't had any twinges or anything all weekend. Monday night at 7pm her waters suddenly broke and she had the little mite by 3.15am, forceps delivery. He weighed 8lbs 1oz. Bubble and I went to visit yesterday and he really is a cute little bundle. It was good to hear all about the delivery as with her first child she had a c-section too.

But now on to the craziest news of all. Last Tuesday, after hearing the news of my sister's baby being born and feeling that I might just be at the end of my tether following the cancelling of the last cycle, I took another pregnancy test. I peed before I got in the shower, left it to get to room temperature while I washed, then when I got out I dipped the stick. Started brushing my teeth, and of course I was too impatient to leave it the whole 5 mins before looking at it, and I thought I saw something right away. It was pretty faint, but suddenly I was all "What?!?!". So I called Bubble into the bathroom and asked casually if he could see anything and he said "Yes I see something". It dried a bit more and there was definitely something there. I started to tear up with the toothbrush still in my mouth. I photographed it and sent it to my best friend (still in hospital after the birth) and asked if she could see anything. She said yes as well.

So I decided to leave it a few days and test again. I was definitely hopeful, but thinking that it could just be because it was a different brand of test I hadn't used before, or because I used an old lemonade bottle for the pee and maybe it had contaminated the sample. Thursday morning I decided to do another one: the one on the left is from Tuesday, the one on the right from Thursday....

I was freaking out by this point, and worrying because I was having a lot of cramps and twinges and I still felt for sure that my period was on its way. So Friday I did a digital:

As you can probably imagine I'm totally shocked and also totally over the moon. This is the first BFP I have ever seen, and I really didn't expect it this cycle at all. After all this waiting, trying, hospital visits, medications, crying, being hopeful, I just can't believe that suddenly we've done it. And it's the weirdest feeling to go from all this active participation, to not having to do anything and your body just getting on with it on its own.

Today I am 4 weeks 6 days based on my last period. I don't know when I ovulated though.

I am dreading the next 2 months - I don't deal well with anxiety at the best of times and the thought that at any moment this amazing thing could be taken away from me is very hard to cope with. I've had trouble sleeping because I just can't relax. Bubble was away overnight last night for a business meeting and I started to panic in case anything happened while I was alone. I need to try to stay calm and keep busy with other things, but after 4 years and everything that has entailed, it's difficult not to invest a LOT in this potential baby.

I called the fertility clinic on Friday to tell them I had got a positive and they didn't sound very happy with me, asking "Well how did you get pregnant?" when the cycle had been cancelled. Hopefully the nurse is calling me back today or tomorrow to schedule my first scan. I'm hoping they will do it next week so I will be 6 weeks and they will be more likely to see something useful. With 4 or 5 follicles we don't know how many may have been fertilised and implanted.

I am so excited and grateful to have this chance, whatever happens.

"Super" Me

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 15

Meds: Met

Outlook: bluurghghgh

Well, the results are in: cycle cancelled due to "super-ovulation". I suppose it's sweet of them to try to make me feel successful at something -_- The clinic hadn't rung by lunch time so I called and left a reminder message. Then somehow my phone didn't even ring and the next time I looked at it I had a voicemail. Had to wait til I got out of a meeting at 3pm before I could listen to it. The only advice she had was to come back when I start to bleed....yeh thanks for that.

So I rang again and asked for someone to call me back as I had a few questions. The nicest nurse there called and I went through a few things with her:

- The oestradiol number was high, and from that they deduce that I will ovulate but they can't tell when. She said obviously there was a chance I wouldn't, and/or that one or more of the follicles would become a cyst.

- I shouldn't have sex for the foreseeable future due to the risk of a multiples pregnancy, but she admitted she couldn't stop us if that's what we decided to do.

- Even if I don't develop a cyst, chances are I will have to take next cycle off to let the ovary recover before doing any more treatment.

- My response has been unusual to both Clo.mid and Meno.pur and they couldn't have predicted what would happen, even with the intensive monitoring.

- The dose of Meno.pur I was put on was the standard dose that most people would start at, and for the next active cycle they will probably halve it.

- I should wait 2.5-3 weeks and if I haven't bled yet I should go back for a scan and then induce a bleed.

I'm still feeling really frustrated about this cycle and really upset, and after I put down the phone I just cried for about half an hour. If it's this hard to ovulate what chance do I have of actually getting pregnant? I'm starting to feel scared - what if none of the ovulation induction drugs work on me? What if I only ever over- or under-respond? Will I just have to move straight to IVF without passing go?

We are going to carry on trying this cycle. Me reasoning is this: a follicle that grows beyond about 24mm is considered too big to carry a 100% healthy, ripe egg. I have 2 that were at the top end of this range yesterday, so they will be even bigger by the time I finally ovulate (I did a digital ovulation test yesterday which was negative, so I assume I have a few more days before any eggs will appear) which means the chances of either containing a viable egg are small. Even if such an egg was fertilised it would be unlikely to continue beyond a week or so. So that leaves 2 follicles. If they both release and if they are both healthy there is a small chance both could be fertilised. I'm happy to take that risk.

I just can't sit back and do nothing for the best part of 2 months while life and time just tick away. If this cycle amounts to nothing (which I'm assuming it will) it will be July at the earliest before I get pregnant - and that's assuming that I'm incredibly lucky and get pregnant on my first proper successful cycle (which also seems unlikely). I'm completely fed up of waiting, it's all I seem to do. Wait wait wait wait wait. Everyone else gets a chance each and every month to get pregnant; I haven't even had one chance in the 4 years I've been trying. It's like I'm the only one not to complete a 100m race because I can't even find my way out of the changing room, let alone onto the track and down to the finish line. This is the most depressed and negative I have felt for a long, long time and I don't like it.

The Simmering

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 11

Meds: Met

Outlook: -_-

So two weekends ago we went to visit Bubble's mum for the day and decided to tell her we are ttc and about my fertility problems. We did this for a few reasons:

• so that if/when I do get pregnant, it is not a total shock
• so that we have additional support through the whole thing (particularly since my mum made it clear we can't get it from her...)
• so that she would feel included from the beginning
• to prevent unsolicited familial comments such as "so when are you two gonna have one then?"

Since my sister got pregnant, I realised one of the things I was most sad about was that I don't get to produce my parents' first grandchild. I had seen it as a rite of passage for them that I was totally excluded from, but being the older child, I felt that it should've been mine to provide. Instead, I thought, we will at least produce Bubble's mum's first grandchild. She was thrilled to bits for us when we told her, and interested and concerned to hear about the fertility issues. We made it clear that it could be several years before we get a baby (if we get one at all). I talked to her about the treatments I'd had and may have in the future, and how Bubble would be going for a second semen analysis to rule out any problems his "end".
Flash forward 5 days, and it didn't help my severe Clo.mid side effects to hear that my soon to be sister-in-law is randomly, unexpectedly pregnant. Big shock, not least because she and Bubble's brother have only just got back together after a six month long split. She's two months gone, and apparently confident that it's his. It was a final straw for me. Officially, everyone I know is pregnant; all friends, all family of reproductive age, co-workers or their spouses. There is now no refuge from pregnancy, anywhere I turn someone with a particular glow is there smiling back at me.

On top of this we found out that Bubble's mum had been spilling the beans about US ttc. She told Bubble's brother and his pregnant girlfriend not only that we were ttc, but about my problems too. I felt ever so slightly betrayed by this - as we had told her in confidence and I didn't expect within days it would be a general discussion topic.

Bubble's mum had also spilled the beans to her sister and mother (i.e. Bubble's aunt and grandma) that we are ttc (but nothing about my problems). I couldn't work out if this was better or somehow worse - my privacy has been kept, but telling family we are ttc like we have no problems means that in six months if nothing has happened people are going to start asking questions. Or generally think that it's ok to bring up the topic of us trying to reproduce when we are at family gatherings.

This was all too much and I admit I howled for hours. We took it for granted she would keep it quiet given the situation, but I now realise I need to spell it out for people - the more people that know, the greater the pressure of expectation on something that could take years to happen. I know she was just happy and excited for us, and meant us no harm, but it's all come at a bad time. I'm now left kind of wishing that we had just kept it to ourselves.

This weekend I have to meet up with an ex-colleague who is about 4 months pregnant. It's the first time I'll have seen her since it happened. She's been pushing and pushing for us to meet up, even though we weren't particularly good friends (though she did know about us ttc) and now I can't help but think that she just wants to show off her bump and talk non-stop about baby stuff. I'm dreading it.

And then the same night I am going out for a birthday meal with my parents, and Bubble's mum, brother and his pregnant girlfriend. What a happy little party that is going to be.....NOT. I have already told Bubble that if the conversation hovers on pregnancy or babies for longer than a picosecond I am getting up and walking out.

And then Sunday is my 28th birthday. And 4 years since I first started ttc. And 1 year since I started ttc with Bubble.

I hate that I've become such a bitter person when it comes to other people being pregnant and other people involving themselves in my fertility issues, but I don't know how else to be. I can't help it if I get upset about these things, or feel angry, or both. And I try hard not to let people see how I feel because I don't want them to feel hurt or think badly of me. So I have to just let it simmer

Emotion

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 37

Meds: Still the Met

Outlook: Sunny

I forgot to add to my last post something about the emotional impact of trying to conceive for a long time. It's probably better that this gets its own dedicated post anyway. It's not to be underestimated. I've touched on it before but it's worth reiterating, because although no-one* really recognises it, the reality for a lot of women is that it's a pretty traumatic experience, with a negative impact on self esteem, confidence and general happiness.

I'm talking about the feeling that you are a failure as a woman, that your body has let you down. Dealing with other peoples' insensitivity, lack of sympathy and sometimes downright nastiness and rudeness. Having to maintain a calm, collected facade at work when AF arrives for the 500th time (after all, it might mean the end of the world to you, but what is it to anyone else?). Having to maintain a calm, collected, happy facade when everyone around you falls pregnant for the first, second, third time. Fighting off the hormonal surges that tell you to reproduce and make you feel bad for not having achieved it yet, and may never...

And of course there is everyone elses' emotions intertwined with ttc: your parents waiting eagerly to be grandparents, wanting to see your family grow and flourish, unable (or sometimes unwilling) to provide any real comfort to you, their child. The way friends either feel too bad to let you in on their pregnancies or over compensate by treating you like a fragile flower, just in case you weren't already feeling awkward enough. And of course your darling partner, waiting just as you are to become a parent, feeling every hurt and frustration but sometimes unable to express it to anyone but you.

It's funny though how unaffected women seem by all this one they finally achieve their pregnancy. I guess the tremendous warmth you get from knowing there is a life growing inside you makes everything you have been through seem worth it a thousand times over. I wonder how many of these women even remember how tiring the whole thing was once they have their little one to dote on? Or do they just take it all in their stride? I wonder, then, what happens to the (relatively) small proportion of women who never achieve pregnancy or acquire a child in another way? Are there significant lasting effects to what they have experienced? What do they do to move forward without that hurt inside them? I would be interested to find out. I do hope I never get to that point.