Getting It

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 26

Meds: Met.formin 1000mg

Outlook: Hmmmm

Most people feel that their mother is the one person they can totally rely on in life (despite their nagging*). I also presumed that she would be the one person who could fully support me on my journey to becoming a mother myself, but a recent incident proved me wrong:

She had known we were trying to conceive, and knew that I had just completed a round of Clo.mid which didn't work. Yet she didn't intervene or advise or prepare for the fact that my sister was about to announce her own pregnancy. It was upsetting, after entering my fourth year of infertility, to receive a text from my sister saying "Hello Gim" (her demeaning nickname for me which I hate), "I have some exciting/scary news! You're going to be an Auntie!" My mother of course had known about it for some time (6 weeks at the time of the text). I didn't even know they were trying. Why, I wondered, didn't she think to prepare me in some way? Why didn't she think to advise my sister to be slightly more tactful or sensitive about the way she told me? Her response? "It didn't even occur to me".

Worrying. Even more worrying was when she said that, being someone who had never had any problems with fertility, it wasn't something she could identify with. Isn't that a symptom of autism? This got me to thinking, why is it that so many people are blind to infertility?

My best friend had to have two babies terminated in recent years due to a genetic disorder. My mother was perfectly able to sympathise with this, and recently expressed her joy at the fact that my friend is now pregnant with a healthy baby. When my sister had a minor scare just before Christmas, my mother was first on the scene to support in case of a miscarriage - something she has never gone through herself but was able to identify with. Even my dad texted me on that day (and he never, ever texts me) to let me know, saying how it was going to be a "grim Christmas" if the worst happened. So even my DAD was able to sympathise with the situation.

Why then is infertility not on people's radar? Why does my four year struggle and not even a single pregnancy not get the same support? I understand that it can be more difficult to identify with if you haven't been through it yourself, but is there really an excuse for total ignorance? 

There is no "big event" with infertility like there is for a miscarriage or a termination - no focal point for all the sadness and dread. The pain and fear is instead a daily grind, mixed in with a bit of hope and anticipation for good measure. Of course I would never wish to go through a miscarriage or a necessary termination - and I feel tremendous sympathy for those who have - but in some ways I do envy that focal point. A day when everyone would just be nice, where there were no comments like "Aren't you getting broody yet?" or "Are you not really interested in having children yet then?" or "You just need to get your ovaries sorted out then you can have one of these!"**. A day when I would be allowed to cry and people would offer comfort and support, reassuring stories, hopeful mantras and a kind smile. And after that day was over, I could begin moving forward with my strength buffered by their compassion, people would get on with their lives but a little bit of them would remember that day and there would be no more hurtful comments. 

I can only conclude that the people who are unsympathetic or unaware - and there are lots of people who aren't - see that the infertiles didn't have anything to begin with, so haven't lost anything. That until we get to the day that we stop trying to conceive, there is every possibility that we will. That until it never happens there is the chance that it might. There is something frighteningly naive about that view, but also kind of pure and hopeful: it can, may, might, should, will hopefully happen for us. Let's not forget that.

*I know I'll be there myself someday....

** GENUINE comments said to me, I'm afraid to say