In the Bag

How much pregnant: 12+2
Meds: Met + prenatal combi + fish oil
Outlook: Overwhelmed <3

It's been quite a while since I posted. There are two reasons for this: 1) nothing new to report in terms of the minikin since the last scan and 2) I've been trying to keep myself calm and sane, and I found the best way to do this in the early weeks is to all but ignore what's going on. Perhaps not the most healthy way to deal with it, but it's worked for me. By allowing only very small parts of my brain to scream "I'm pregnant!!!!!" at irregular intervals, I have stopped the large part of my brain constantly going "What's new to panic about?" registering that anything has actually changed.

This week though I have breathed several very large sighs of relief: reaching the 12 week mark, seeing my now mostly formed baby, and finding out that the risks of the baby having any of the major things wrong with it are very slim.

But first let me backtrack a little... On Sunday 26th June at 7+5 we met our mums (and my dad, much to our surprise) in Covent Garden and went for lunch at a little Belgian restaurant. The 'rents were excitedly asking Bubble about his driving lessons, and while I surreptitiously removed last entry's u/s scan from my purse, he asked "So what's everyone doing on 7th February? I think it's a Tuesday...". Of course everyone was baffled, going "February? That's ages away" and such like. And just before any of them had a chance to twig, I swooped (Bubble would say 'slammed') the u/s pic down on the table in front of them whilst trilling (Bubble would say 'shouting') "Because that's when our baby is due!!!!!". Both mothers sat there open mouthed for at least 3 minutes which was the funniest sight before they all launched into congratulations and hugs and a few tears and lots of questions. It was a great day.

From 8-10wks I had what I'm going to very tentatively call "morning sickness", though really it was nothing more than aversions to certain things, of which even just the thought could almost make me heave. But I wasn't sick at all. I've had cravings - mostly bad foods like pizza, lasagne (very cheesy), burgers and salty chips, and normal things that I might eat - cheese (unmelted), water, crackers - have completely turned me off.

On the whole I have to say I've been really really lucky and have somehow managed to get away with barely any symptoms at all. I've not been more tired than usual, no vomiting, boobs haven't hurt since about 8 weeks. I've really had it very easy. And bizarrely I feel I can even say that I understand how some women can be pregnant and not even realise! Because with my totally unreliable cycles anyway, if I hadn't been trying to get pregnant and read up all about it, I probably wouldn't have guessed yet.

From 10 weeks for a few days I felt very sore around my pelvic bone. And miraculously, when the pain subsided I realised a small mound had developed just above it. It's slightly hard and tender there, and feels very full. And from time to time I have what I describe as pinching sensations - like someone is pincer-ing my uterus between thumb and forefinger and pulling slightly. The minikin is growing!

At 11 weeks someone at work guessed I was preggo!! I am quite impressed by this since I don't look pregnant in any obvious way, but she said she saw me walk passed the office door and she just knew - that there was something "different" about me. I have been very intrigued ever since. So now a couple of people know, but I'm going to hold off telling the boss for as long as possible (she already hates me because I'm taking 5 weeks off for my honeymoon slap bang in the middle of the department's busiest period...). Also during this week I ordered and received a doppler from amazon and altogether rather more quickly than I had imagined, we were listening to the baby's heartbeat! It was the most amazing sound, and so reassuring that there was actually something in there and the whole thing hadn't been my imagination.

So that brings us to this week, week 12. At the start of this pregnancy I had very little faith that I would reach this milestone, it seemed so far away and there seemed so many things that could go wrong in the meantime. But we made it =) Today we went for the NT scan and I was very nervous - not just for the obvious reasons but because I drank 2.5 cups of fennel tea yesterday for a stomach ache before finding out that fennel should be drunk with caution in pregnancy because it is a uterine stimulant and can cause miscarriage. So of course I was up half the night upset and anxious that I had ruined everything.

The sonographer was a lovely Eastern European man (complete with hairy mole on his arm that both Bubble and I noticed) who took his time and explained everything to us without our prompting. The baby was there! And it was human! (Tom was rooting for dragon). It was bopping about so much that it actually gave the guy a hard time getting the NT measured, the nose bone located and an accurate crown-rump length. We saw all the major bits: heart, kidneys, arms, legs, brain (slightly odd to see), spine, even ribs! Everything was checked - the pump rate of each individual side of the baby's heart, the rate my blood was being shared with the baby, the size of the placenta, the depth of my birth canal (to determine risk of pre-term labour). Very thorough, and thankfully, everything was normal. I was amazed how, when the sonographer wanted the baby to move and would tap on my abdomen, the baby would actually respond by squirming about! By the end of the scan, worn out no doubt by all the prodding, the baby seemed to have settled down for a nap, possibly complete with hiccups. It was all too adorable for words.

I also had the blood tests done, all of which came back normal. The risk of Down's syndrome is 1/22,000 which is very reassuring. They checked for a few other chromosomal abnormalities too, and the risk of those was equally tiny. Additionally, I am low risk for pre-eclampsia.

So anyway, here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Minikin laying on its back, all tuckered out after a busy morning of squirming. Heart rate: 153bpm, CRL: 58mm

 Another body shot, this time capturing the leg action and a couple of fingers just above its nose

 Head shot of minikin's cute profile <3

Deep Inside

How much pregnant: 7 weeks

Meds: Met + Folic acid

Outlook: Thrilled!

So it has been a rough week and a bit waiting for this viability ultrasound, but today we finally got to see what has been going on inside:

This is the beanie as of this morning. We got to see it's tiny heart pumping away at a very solid 140bpm <3 It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, I started to cry but quickly composed myself as the u/s tech was very matter of fact and I don't think he would've appreciated such an outpouring of emotion. The beanie is measuring right on track at 7 weeks, 7.8mm crown to rump. Bubble was right there throughout, he's also amazed and relieved that everything is ok.

The unexpected news was that there IS a second pregnancy in there. Unfortunately, the gestational sac was measuring only 5 weeks, and all you could see inside it was a yolk sac, so it looks as though that one has not, and will not, develop. I feel sad about that, but I also feel amazingly lucky and happy to have the one that is doing well. I'm guessing that the small one was made out of an egg that was either too mature or too immature, and it would never have had a chance.

The u/s tech was sweet enough to print out 2 pics for us, the above, plus one showing both sacs (just so we can prove it was in fact twins, I imagine), even though we weren't supposed to get any at this stage. He said that chances are, the second non-viable pregnancy will simply reabsorb into the uterus, but if I have any serious pain or bleeding I am to go back. After the u/s I had to go across to the fertility clinic to report his findings, and the nurse was so sweet and happy for us, it almost brought another tear to my eye =) When we said goodbye she squeezed my arm and wished us good luck, and it occurred to me that that's it - I won't be seeing them again now, they have achieved what they set out to do. I'm off to my GP this afternoon to report the pregnancy and get him to refer me back to the hospital for standard pre-natal care, and everything will carry on like any other normal pregnancy now, with the 12 week scan in 4-5 weeks.

I honestly cannot believe all that has happened. To see that I have a tiny life growing inside me was the most incredible, mind blowing thing. I never, ever thought it would happen to me. I feel honoured and so grateful for this chance. Because my symptoms have been (thankfully, I suppose) fairly mild so far, I don't even feel like anything is different, so to see that my (up til now, unreliable!) body is doing it's thing without any input from anyone is a huge adjustment in terms of how I view myself.

On Sunday we are telling our mothers. We have arranged a lunch with them both in Covent Garden, under the pretense of talking about final wedding arrangements and will be surprising them with the ultrasound pictures. I really never thought I would see the day...

Ups and Downs

How much pregnant: 5+4

Meds: Met

Outlook: Tearing my hair out

So no-one ever tells you about early pregnancy anxiety. I have suffered with various forms of anxiety in my life, so I was kind of expecting something, but it has come as quite a shock.

I think the problem is that before, when I was un-pregnant, I didn't really have anything but a shred of hope each cycle. I expected things not to work. I had set back after set back and didn't have particularly high expectations. I had nothing to lose. I did this to protect myself from disappointment, to make it easier when things didn't go as planned. Suddenly, I have this real, tangible thing to pour my hope into and something to lose in the worst possible way.

The problem is also that suddenly, now I am pregnant, there are only two possible outcomes: 1) I will get what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me, or 2) I will lose what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is no middle ground. It's very hard to find a balance between anticipating and preparing for the best, but keeping in mind the possibility of the worst, because they are at drastically opposite ends of the scale. In trying to reconcile these very different possible outcomes, you end up teetering along a narrow string of sanity, veering wildly from ecstasy and amazement one minute, to total despair the next. I wish I could just fast forward through to 12 weeks so that I would know whether this is something to believe in.

I've been taking pregnancy tests every few days, just to check it's still true. I've been reading up WAY too much online about Things You Shouldn't Read About When Pregnant and have sent myself into fits of hysteria. I've obsessed over whether it's an ectopic because I got some twinges on my right side. I've analysed every symptom when it seems like it's fading or changing. I've completely convinced myself that this isn't going to work out and everything is doomed.

On the flip side, I've been looking up maternity and baby clothes, furniture and bedding. I've thought about how being pregnant at our wedding and on our honeymoon will change the experience. I've started a pregnancy journal and taking belly shots. I've enjoyed talking to The Bean and imagining myself with a bump. And I've taken a glimpse of our life after this baby arrives.

I do feel like I've been driving myself mad. I've just woken up this morning and already I'm thinking "Hmmm my boobs don't feel as sore today...that must be a bad sign". I really panicked over the ectopic thing, especially as I read that ovulation induction treatment increases your chances. So I took myself off for an early scan yesterday afternoon (got there at 1:45pm, told clinic opened at 2:30, told there were 3 people before me at 30 min appts each, waited to be seen until just gone 5pm) with Bubble just to check that everything was where it should be.

We didn't see much, but the Dr confirmed there is a sac in the womb (too early to really make out anything inside it), a shadow-y shape that could possibly be a second sac in the womb (but I don't think it is as I don't think my symptoms are strong enough for more than one baby) and definitely nothing in my tubes or on my ovaries, which was amazingly reassuring. I got a look at the corpus luteum too, all big and void-like, and he said it looked like a good strong one.

So that's ectopic ticked off my worry list. But the problem is there is just so much else to worry about, and so much that can go wrong. I have another scan booked for 7 weeks, which is on 21st June and hopefully at that one we will see The Bean proper, and a hearthbeat if there is one. In the mean time, there are plenty of days to fill with fretting and joy.

Angry Chair

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 14

Meds: Met

Outlook: Really f%*!ed off

I am beginning to lose faith in the fertility consultants I see, particularly the one I bemoaned in the last post, even though I am lucky enough to go to a hospital which specialises in fertility.

So after last Wednesday's secretive scan, I toddled back on Friday not knowing what to expect. I was thrilled to discover I had 3 follicles maturing on the right side - one at 14mm, one at 14-15mm and one at 15-16mm - and my lining was looking good. She sent me for another oestradiol test (a horrible man who was clearly new to taking blood (or a sadist) and did the whole thing in painfully slow motion so it hurt as much as possible) and told me to halve my Meno.pur dose over the weekend.

So all weekend I was really excited, even though I was having to waste half a pod of drug each night (so pointless) and, yet again, started to think at last this was the cycle that was going to give us a real chance to get pregnant.

I was told to come back in today and so I went. First off, I had to wait nearly half an hour to be seen in a boiling hot waiting room (so hot a trickle of sweat came down to my elbow from my armpit) and then it was a doctor I've never seen before. He was really thorough at the scan, again saying my lining was excellent and then started measuring the follicles. This is where it started to go wrong. The three she saw on Friday have all grown to a mature size (between 20mm-23mm) but there is a fourth that is catching up (17mm) and a fifth which is smaller. He said I have over stimulated and the cycle would have to be cancelled.

I had to fight back tears on the couch (luckily it was dark so he couldn't see). He then was at pains to explain to me why they would not be giving me the trigger. I asked what would happen if I just ovulated on my own and he said "Well you can't have sex". WHAT?!?! "You could end up with quadruplets and you don't want that! Hahah!" He then spent ages working out the precise dimensions of the offending follicles before saying "Yes this can happen with PCO".........again WHAT?!?!

I then went to sit in the waiting room while he went to get the opinion of a nurse. I went in to see her and she said actually they were going to check the "cycle cancellation" decision with another doctor (Ms Helpful from Wed/Fri) but it looked likely it would be cancelled. She then told me to continue with my half dose of Meno.pur tonight and this time I said it out loud "WHAT?!?" She said she didn't want to be the one to make a decision to stop taking it (i.e. that it should be the doctor telling me) but I was like "Surely if I take more tonight, the biggest ones are just going to get bigger, and the ones that are borderline are going to catch up and there will be even more?" and she said "Ok don't take it tonight" - I was in disbelief. 

She then said I would have to go for yet another blood test (my third in less than a week) and based on my scan and the blood test results she would discuss with Ms Helpful tomorrow and give me a call. I then had to fight back tears all the way up to haematology. And - typical - of all the appointments I've had there, this was the one time Bubble couldn't come with me.

So there are several things that concern/down right annoy me:

• If there were too many follicles growing, why didn't Ms Helpful notice on Wednesday and tell me to halve my dose then?
• If there were definitely too many on Friday, why didn't she get me to stop the Meno.pur over the weekend and reassess on Monday?
• Surely my oestradiol numbers are the most reliable source of info - why after 2 blood tests and all these scans was this not picked up earlier?
• If over-stimulation typically happens with PCOS (and particularly after my over-response to Clo.mid) why wasn't I started on the minimum dose possible? They could then have increased it later on if I wasn't responding well enough
• If I ovulate tonight or tomorrow - as seems likely with follicles that big - telling me not to have sex from now isn't a failsafe way of preventing me getting pregnant since we already did it yesterday! So they have put me at risk of conceiving 4 babies
• If my follicles are already so big that I could ovulate at any given time, why then increase the chance of adding a couple more to that number by telling me to continue with the Menopur tonight?! And why did the nurse try to take the decision herself if she wasn't sure (which she obviously wasn't since my layman response made her change her mind)?
• Are these large follicles actually going to rupture at all, or am I going to be left with a mass of uncomfortable cysts that need another cycle off to get rid of?

Overall I'm gutted. It's now been 7 months since we started treatment. This is only my third medicated cycle and the third that has been a wasted opportunity for a pregnancy. All this just to ovulate, and I'm not even getting that right! Pregnancy seems a very very long way away tonight, and a real, actual baby even further. I can't believe that with all the injections, all the blood tests, all the appointments, somehow this has still gone wrong.

Of course, they can't stop us going ahead and having sex if we want to. And a large part of me is very tempted - why should I waste the only chance I've had so far?! Will wait and see what they say tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath.

Availability

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 9

Meds: Met/Meno.pur

Outlook: Headache

I went for my scan this morning. I seem to have a number of follicles on the brew, the largest being about 10-11mm, so I had to go for a blood test to measure my FSH/LH levels and my oestradol levels. I go back on Friday for another scan and to get the results. If I have too many active follicles they will probably reduce my dose as they are very careful to prevent a multiples pregnancy wherever possible, and therefore don't want me developing more than 2 follicles to fruition. I'm glad that something is happening at least - and I'd rather have too many follicles than none at all. Luckily I'm becoming much more adept at giving myself the injections but I'm hoping things will go so well I won't need to do more than this one cycle of them!

A tad concerned about Friday though - the only appointment slots available were between 11 and 12pm, and I have a meeting at work from 10-12...not sure how well that's going to go down. Technically I will only be taking minutes so may just have to leave early and ask someone else to cover for me for the last 30 mins. There's not much I can do though as I need to be seen on Friday and that's the latest I can go.


Was surprised and slightly annoyed at the variation of treatment you can receive at the hospital today. I've seen 4 or 5 different doctors for my scans over the last few months, and most of them are really lovely. Usually, they turn the ultrasound screen around so that I can see what's going on as they are looking at it, and explain what they can see. Today's doctor was very different (I've had her before but she's never been this bad) she didn't say a single word to me through out the scan and didn't show me the screen or the print outs afterwards. She was generally very short and didn't take the time to ask if I had any questions at the end which I really appreciate from the doctors who do. Will be avoiding her from now on.

Easter Egg?

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 32

Meds: No change

Outlook: Intrigued

So I went for my appointment today...saw a very lovely doctor. The most excellent news is the cyst has gone! And the strange news is my lining was very thick - to the point that she even suggested early pregnancy - and I had what she thought might be a corpus luteum on the right. And in an odd twist of fate, I did actually have a few little twinges on the right last night, so I'm wondering if it's possible I did ovulate (none of the usual signs that it's happened yet though..)

They did a pregnancy test there which was negative (surprise!) and she asked me to do another one tomorrow - but obviously if I did O, and by some miracle get preggo, it wouldn't show up until at least a week's time. Either way, I got a script for Pro.vera, so I can take that if it ends up looking like I didn't ovulate. Now I'm not sure how long to wait...

I also picked up my Meno.pur and trigger. The Meno.pur looks so weird, I didn't realise it actually comes as a powder which you then have to mix! No sign of whatever I use to inject it with so I assume I will get that when I go in for my first dose. 

I'm feeling a lot more positive about this next cycle, pleased to be free of the cyst and excited to see how well the injects work =D I would be interested to hear anyone else's experience on Meno.pur....

Balmy

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 31

Meds: The usual suspects

Outlook: Relaxed

My my, it is lovely and warm here in London today, and I'm hoping it lasts as I will not be back in work until next Tuesday. Nothing much going on but a couple of little updates:

Tomorrow I go to the fertility clinic for a scan and if all looks well I can start Provera and get cracking on a new cycle. I'm really hoping against hope that the cyst has gone and I can get on with injects at the beginning of May.

I was pleased to see that PETA finally saw sense and removed the reference to NIAW from their vile promotion - reassuring to see that people power does work occasionally!

It was my sister's babyshower on Saturday but I wasn't invited. In fact I wasn't even told about it (I heard it was happening from someone who was invited). As you may have read in my previous post, my family didn't help me deal with news of her pregnancy in the way I would've hoped, and since then we had a falling out (something completely unrelated but also due to her selfishness and belief that the world revolves around her) which means I haven't spoken to her since January. I'm not sure why the whole thing was kept a secret though - I mean even my mum didn't tell me - not that I would've gone or felt sad about not being invited, but to not even mention it seems very strange.

And now there's an issue to do with my sister and our wedding. We cannot have tiny babies there for a variety of genuine, practical reasons (toddlers and above aren't a problem though) and we hoped this wouldn't be too much of an issue. The only people affected are my bridesmaid and my sister. My bridesmaid is fine with it, and her baby will be kept back at the reception venue with her mum for a couple of hours until we all get there. However, my mum recently emailed me to say that my sister and her husband wouldn't be able to come if they couldn't bring the baby. I flippantly said I wasn't expecting them to come anyway given the situation, but I'm going to invite them all the same. I'm sure if they wanted to they could arrange something, but my instincts say they are going to use it as the excuse they've been hoping for which gets them off the hook for not coming.

Finally, I've been coming to terms with the idea that I had a very early loss a couple of years ago. I brushed it aside for a long time, genuinely believing I must've been mad, but now I'm sure there was more to it. It was when I was NTNP with a previous partner, long random cycles and no charting. I didn't even know that I had ovulated. One day I randomly started getting twinges in my uterus, stretchy, pulling feelings that I had never had before. My uterus almost felt hard which was a very strange sensation. I thought nothing of it for a few days, until one evening when eating dinner I suddenly smelled everything very strongly. The next few days I had really bad nausea to the point that I thought I must've had a stomach upset or something. My CM was scarce and thick and white - unlike I'd ever seen before. I became convinced that I was pregnant, even going so far as hauling my sister how ironic down to the shop to get a pregnancy test. I was shocked when it was negative, and thought it was probably just too early to pick up, so I went away to visit a friend for a few days. Towards the end of my trip I noticed I wasn't feeling sick any more and the twinges had tailed off. When I got home I did another pregnancy test - still negative - and my period arrived a few days later. I felt so stupid for even thinking that I could be and put it down to strange hormones, or maybe my first ovulation in however long. But the last few months I've increasingly started to think that maybe it was something that ended before it could become anything proper. All the symptoms at the same time can't just be a coincidence - and the fact that I've never felt anything like that before or since, even when obsessively charting, so I'm sure it wasn't all in my head. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

While a shock to think that it could've been something, I'm glad it wasn't because I would probably still be with that ex feeling very unhappy and would never have met Bubble <3

Persistence

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 4

Meds: Met

Outlook: =/

So I didn't get pregnant. Not even a hint of a line on the few tests I used over the weekend. AF has been light and mercifully pain-free - presumably another Clo.mid side-effect (or due to the copious amounts of rosehip tea I have been drinking recently). I went for a base-line scan today and most frustratingly the Death Star is still lurking! I learned it was a whopping 6cm x 4.7cm at its largest.....scary big. Today it had shrunk down but at 3.5cm x 2.4cm it's still too large a presence for another medicated cycle just yet.

The Doc (a new one I hadn't seen before) gave me two options - either leave it and hope that it shrinks to nothing over the course of this cycle, or take progesterone to force it to shrink. I opted for the former: I really don't want to be messing with my hormones any more than absolutely necessary and she said that around 90% of cysts disappear after the second period. If it's still there by the end of this cycle I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I may even look into doing a caster oil wrap during this cycle to help it on its way.

And I am relieved that the wait for the next cycle isn't that long. I'm already on CD4 and can go in on CD28 for another scan if I haven't detected ovulation or got my period and they will give me Provera again. A frustrating wait doing nothing but only 3 weeks to go. I still intend to temp and do some ovulation tests (though I have no idea when or even if I will ovulate) so I guess there is still a small chance for this cycle.

I also started taking some additional supplements on CD1 of this cycle: 

- Chromium - I read that a lot of women with PCOS are deficient in this mineral so I am taking 200µg each day

- Vitamin B Complex - PCOSers can be deficient in certain B vitamins and I also read that Metformin depletes one of them (aren't I a font of knowledge....) so I am taking Vitamin B1 20mg, Vitamin B2 20mg, Vitamin B3 30mg, Vitamin B5 10mg, Vitamin B6 20mg and Vitamin B12 50mcg each day

- D-I-M - This is a naturally occurring substance found in veggies like broccoli and cauliflower which helps to metabolize estrogen. Thought it couldn't hurt as PCOS is an estrogen-dominance issue. I am taking 100mg daily.

I also bought fish oil and a calcium/magnesium/vit D/iron tablet but I haven't got into the routine of taking them yet. Additionally yes my poor purse is feeling rather empty right now I got a natural progesterone cream to try if/when I ovulate...I've read that these creams don't really give you enough to make a difference but I'm happy to give it a go, especially when it is lavendar scented! Finally, I bought a pack of red raspberry leaf tablets - originally because I thought I would be carrying on with Clo.mid and read that taking this from CD1>ov can help to thicken the uterine lining (which Clo.mid wreaks havoc on). However, after talking to the Doc today, I learned that I don't have to take Clo.mid again if I don't want to and my next active cycle will probably be using injects. Still, a bit of extra help to achieve a nice thick lining won't hurt.

So back to waiting, again, and hoping that the Death Star has burned out in three weeks time...

The Death Star

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 24

Meds: Met

Outlook: Frustrated

It's been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I went for my CD19 scan and the left follicle had grown to 27mm. They also found a 12mm one on the right. I was even more thrilled than before. The doc decided not to give me my trigger shot as my lining was still a little thin (6.5mm I think) but she said with a follicle that size I would most likely ovulate on my own over the weekend.

I was really hopeful and happy, but as the day wore on, doubt started to creep in. I read that a follicle over 25mm probably didn't contain a viable egg, and I wished I had requested the trigger at the appointment so that it ruptured as soon as possible. I was using the ClearBlue digital ovulation tests, as recommended by the clinic. They told me to use one a day, first thing in the morning and they were all negative. However, for my own purposes I used a strip test on Saturday night (CD20) and I thought it looked positive....

Sunday (CD21) and I started to feel very uncomfortable in my abdomen on the left. I was also having to go to the toilet a lot more frequently than usual. My CB test was negative again, and so I assumed the strip test the night before had been a fluke.

Monday (CD22) I rang the clinic and told them I could still feel the follicle, was in quite a bit of discomfort and that all my CB ovulation tests had been negative. I went in for another scan and the left follicle was a gargantuan 35mm! I was not happy, and again asked the doc if this meant there was no viable egg inside, but he insisted that because the follicle had only grown within the cycle, there was no reason to assume it didn't have an egg. It was quite disturbing to see this massive black mass on the ultrasound, like a lost alien spaceship. Helpfully though, my lining had increased to 8.5mm - ideal for implantation.

He didn't spend long looking at the right ovary - I guess because all the attention was on the giant lefthand one - but he said he couldn't see anything significant in there, and that the follicle had most likely shrunk back. He then said they would (finally) give me the trigger shot, which was fine, and that I would ovulate within 24-36 hours.

I went home happy again but (again) the doubt started to creep in. I wondered if in fact the cheap strip test from CD20 was accurate and if the right hand follicle had reached maturity and ruptured secretly. Then I was worried that the trigger shot would cause harm if I had already ovulated. And I was in so much discomfort I began to wonder if even the shot would be able to rupture the Death Star.

Tuesday (CD23) I was in considerable discomfort just walking around. We tried to do "homework" as the fertility nurse calls it, and it sent shooting pains up the left side of my abdomen. I was bloated and had serious trapped gas. I did, however, start to get sensitive nipples - usually a sure sign that I have ovulated - but I wondered if it was just from the shot. But then, I put my temperature into my chart, and the chart automatically put me at ovulating on Saturday (based on my temps) - if you take into account the possibly positive OPK on the same day it looks fairly promising.

So here I am on CD24, almost 48 hours post trigger and I can still feel the Death Star. I'm now convinced it is a cyst and I'm not happy. I am going in for another scan tomorrow and I hope they will be able to give me some answers. Specifically:

• Is it a cyst formed from a ruptured or unruptured follicle?
• Is there any chance I already ovulated from the other ovary?
• If it is a cyst, and I did ovulate, could it impede a pregnancy this cycle?
• If it is a cyst, when and how can we make it go away?

I feel pretty gutted. I knew it was too good to be true when a follicle appeared out of nowhere. I've been reading up online (I know, it's not good) and apparently it can take 1-3 MONTHS for a cyst to shrink! And obviously it's not possible to start another round of fertility drugs until it's gone. I've also read of people who had to take BCP for a month to help shrink it! I really hope it doesn't come to that, it took me a year to get back any semblance of a cycle after I stopped BCP the last time, it will really feel like a step backwards.

Thankfully, we got in a lot of "homework" this cycle - if I did ovulate on CD20 we have all our bases covered. We were also using Pre-seed.


Yet again I am struck by how unlikely pregnancy is.....I just don't understand how it can happen so easily for some. I also can't believe how much stress and detailed observation is required for just this part of the process! If I ever do get pregnant I will truly see it as a miracle.

Ms. Egg

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 16

Meds: Met

Outlook: Shocked!

So there I was, just about getting my head around the fact that I was Clo.mid-resistant and dealing with the prospect of moving on to injectables and I was ready. I went to the hospital this lunch time for a scan to follow up last weeks - and from what the Dr said last week (that there was no response, that it wasn't working, that things weren't going to be as easy (ha!) as we thought) I was expecting no progress, no hope.

Imagine my surprise when this week's Dr said "You have one large follicle on the left"! A late response, but a response all the same. The follicle is currently 15mm so it needs to do a little bit more growing before it will be viable, and my lining is still on the thin side, but I cannot put into words how thrilled I am! 

An actual egg getting ready....it's so exciting. I have to start doing ovulation tests from tomorrow, then I go back for another scan on Friday which will be CD19 to see how it is doing. Of course we have to get busy in the meantime just in case, and I think I'm going to temp for the next few days so that I have another angle to confirm ovulation (assuming it occurs). Usually I don't temp because the anticipation makes me wake up earlier than usual just to do it, thus throwing my temps off and negating the whole process.


And the other good news we got today was that Bubble's repeat semen analysis came back good. His total numbers were at the lower end of the normal range but nothing to worry about, and everything else was excellent. One less thing to worry about.