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Saturday, 11 June 2011

Ups and Downs

How much pregnant: 5+4
Meds: Met
Outlook: Tearing my hair out

So no-one ever tells you about early pregnancy anxiety. I have suffered with various forms of anxiety in my life, so I was kind of expecting something, but it has come as quite a shock.

I think the problem is that before, when I was un-pregnant, I didn't really have anything but a shred of hope each cycle. I expected things not to work. I had set back after set back and didn't have particularly high expectations. I had nothing to lose. I did this to protect myself from disappointment, to make it easier when things didn't go as planned. Suddenly, I have this real, tangible thing to pour my hope into and something to lose in the worst possible way.

The problem is also that suddenly, now I am pregnant, there are only two possible outcomes: 1) I will get what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me, or 2) I will lose what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is no middle ground. It's very hard to find a balance between anticipating and preparing for the best, but keeping in mind the possibility of the worst, because they are at drastically opposite ends of the scale. In trying to reconcile these very different possible outcomes, you end up teetering along a narrow string of sanity, veering wildly from ecstasy and amazement one minute, to total despair the next. I wish I could just fast forward through to 12 weeks so that I would know whether this is something to believe in.

I've been taking pregnancy tests every few days, just to check it's still true. I've been reading up WAY too much online about Things You Shouldn't Read About When Pregnant and have sent myself into fits of hysteria. I've obsessed over whether it's an ectopic because I got some twinges on my right side. I've analysed every symptom when it seems like it's fading or changing. I've completely convinced myself that this isn't going to work out and everything is doomed.

On the flip side, I've been looking up maternity and baby clothes, furniture and bedding. I've thought about how being pregnant at our wedding and on our honeymoon will change the experience. I've started a pregnancy journal and taking belly shots. I've enjoyed talking to The Bean and imagining myself with a bump. And I've taken a glimpse of our life after this baby arrives.

I do feel like I've been driving myself mad. I've just woken up this morning and already I'm thinking "Hmmm my boobs don't feel as sore today...that must be a bad sign". I really panicked over the ectopic thing, especially as I read that ovulation induction treatment increases your chances. So I took myself off for an early scan yesterday afternoon (got there at 1:45pm, told clinic opened at 2:30, told there were 3 people before me at 30 min appts each, waited to be seen until just gone 5pm) with Bubble just to check that everything was where it should be.

We didn't see much, but the Dr confirmed there is a sac in the womb (too early to really make out anything inside it), a shadow-y shape that could possibly be a second sac in the womb (but I don't think it is as I don't think my symptoms are strong enough for more than one baby) and definitely nothing in my tubes or on my ovaries, which was amazingly reassuring. I got a look at the corpus luteum too, all big and void-like, and he said it looked like a good strong one.

So that's ectopic ticked off my worry list. But the problem is there is just so much else to worry about, and so much that can go wrong. I have another scan booked for 7 weeks, which is on 21st June and hopefully at that one we will see The Bean proper, and a hearthbeat if there is one. In the mean time, there are plenty of days to fill with fretting and joy.

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