Balmy

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 31

Meds: The usual suspects

Outlook: Relaxed

My my, it is lovely and warm here in London today, and I'm hoping it lasts as I will not be back in work until next Tuesday. Nothing much going on but a couple of little updates:

Tomorrow I go to the fertility clinic for a scan and if all looks well I can start Provera and get cracking on a new cycle. I'm really hoping against hope that the cyst has gone and I can get on with injects at the beginning of May.

I was pleased to see that PETA finally saw sense and removed the reference to NIAW from their vile promotion - reassuring to see that people power does work occasionally!

It was my sister's babyshower on Saturday but I wasn't invited. In fact I wasn't even told about it (I heard it was happening from someone who was invited). As you may have read in my previous post, my family didn't help me deal with news of her pregnancy in the way I would've hoped, and since then we had a falling out (something completely unrelated but also due to her selfishness and belief that the world revolves around her) which means I haven't spoken to her since January. I'm not sure why the whole thing was kept a secret though - I mean even my mum didn't tell me - not that I would've gone or felt sad about not being invited, but to not even mention it seems very strange.

And now there's an issue to do with my sister and our wedding. We cannot have tiny babies there for a variety of genuine, practical reasons (toddlers and above aren't a problem though) and we hoped this wouldn't be too much of an issue. The only people affected are my bridesmaid and my sister. My bridesmaid is fine with it, and her baby will be kept back at the reception venue with her mum for a couple of hours until we all get there. However, my mum recently emailed me to say that my sister and her husband wouldn't be able to come if they couldn't bring the baby. I flippantly said I wasn't expecting them to come anyway given the situation, but I'm going to invite them all the same. I'm sure if they wanted to they could arrange something, but my instincts say they are going to use it as the excuse they've been hoping for which gets them off the hook for not coming.

Finally, I've been coming to terms with the idea that I had a very early loss a couple of years ago. I brushed it aside for a long time, genuinely believing I must've been mad, but now I'm sure there was more to it. It was when I was NTNP with a previous partner, long random cycles and no charting. I didn't even know that I had ovulated. One day I randomly started getting twinges in my uterus, stretchy, pulling feelings that I had never had before. My uterus almost felt hard which was a very strange sensation. I thought nothing of it for a few days, until one evening when eating dinner I suddenly smelled everything very strongly. The next few days I had really bad nausea to the point that I thought I must've had a stomach upset or something. My CM was scarce and thick and white - unlike I'd ever seen before. I became convinced that I was pregnant, even going so far as hauling my sister how ironic down to the shop to get a pregnancy test. I was shocked when it was negative, and thought it was probably just too early to pick up, so I went away to visit a friend for a few days. Towards the end of my trip I noticed I wasn't feeling sick any more and the twinges had tailed off. When I got home I did another pregnancy test - still negative - and my period arrived a few days later. I felt so stupid for even thinking that I could be and put it down to strange hormones, or maybe my first ovulation in however long. But the last few months I've increasingly started to think that maybe it was something that ended before it could become anything proper. All the symptoms at the same time can't just be a coincidence - and the fact that I've never felt anything like that before or since, even when obsessively charting, so I'm sure it wasn't all in my head. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

While a shock to think that it could've been something, I'm glad it wasn't because I would probably still be with that ex feeling very unhappy and would never have met Bubble <3