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Monday, 6 June 2011

Mysterious Ways

Cycle number: 11
Cycle day: 35
Meds: Met
Outlook: O_O

It's been a very crazy week. Between Thurs 26th and Tues 31st May, 5 people I know had their babies. The most important of these being my sister and my best friend. My sister and I are still not on speaking terms, but my mum gave me the lowdown: she had a 48 hour labour, then was going to have a forceps delivery, and then after all that had to have a c-section under general anaesthetic. My mum was there throughout and apparently was appalled by the treatment in the hospital (she's a nurse herself) so is going to be making a formal complaint. We later discovered that the hospital is even under investigation for the deaths of two new mothers recently, so that's not good at all. So, given the situation I haven't spoken to my sister, or seen the baby other than a few pictures on a mutual friend's facebook. She was a 9lber so not surprising it ended in caesarian.

My best friend had a very different experience. She was slightly overdue, but hadn't had any twinges or anything all weekend. Monday night at 7pm her waters suddenly broke and she had the little mite by 3.15am, forceps delivery. He weighed 8lbs 1oz. Bubble and I went to visit yesterday and he really is a cute little bundle. It was good to hear all about the delivery as with her first child she had a c-section too.

But now on to the craziest news of all. Last Tuesday, after hearing the news of my sister's baby being born and feeling that I might just be at the end of my tether following the cancelling of the last cycle, I took another pregnancy test. I peed before I got in the shower, left it to get to room temperature while I washed, then when I got out I dipped the stick. Started brushing my teeth, and of course I was too impatient to leave it the whole 5 mins before looking at it, and I thought I saw something right away. It was pretty faint, but suddenly I was all "What?!?!". So I called Bubble into the bathroom and asked casually if he could see anything and he said "Yes I see something". It dried a bit more and there was definitely something there. I started to tear up with the toothbrush still in my mouth. I photographed it and sent it to my best friend (still in hospital after the birth) and asked if she could see anything. She said yes as well.

So I decided to leave it a few days and test again. I was definitely hopeful, but thinking that it could just be because it was a different brand of test I hadn't used before, or because I used an old lemonade bottle for the pee and maybe it had contaminated the sample. Thursday morning I decided to do another one: the one on the left is from Tuesday, the one on the right from Thursday....

I was freaking out by this point, and worrying because I was having a lot of cramps and twinges and I still felt for sure that my period was on its way. So Friday I did a digital:

As you can probably imagine I'm totally shocked and also totally over the moon. This is the first BFP I have ever seen, and I really didn't expect it this cycle at all. After all this waiting, trying, hospital visits, medications, crying, being hopeful, I just can't believe that suddenly we've done it. And it's the weirdest feeling to go from all this active participation, to not having to do anything and your body just getting on with it on its own.

Today I am 4 weeks 6 days based on my last period. I don't know when I ovulated though.

I am dreading the next 2 months - I don't deal well with anxiety at the best of times and the thought that at any moment this amazing thing could be taken away from me is very hard to cope with. I've had trouble sleeping because I just can't relax. Bubble was away overnight last night for a business meeting and I started to panic in case anything happened while I was alone. I need to try to stay calm and keep busy with other things, but after 4 years and everything that has entailed, it's difficult not to invest a LOT in this potential baby.

I called the fertility clinic on Friday to tell them I had got a positive and they didn't sound very happy with me, asking "Well how did you get pregnant?" when the cycle had been cancelled. Hopefully the nurse is calling me back today or tomorrow to schedule my first scan. I'm hoping they will do it next week so I will be 6 weeks and they will be more likely to see something useful. With 4 or 5 follicles we don't know how many may have been fertilised and implanted.

I am so excited and grateful to have this chance, whatever happens.

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