Deep Inside

How much pregnant: 7 weeks

Meds: Met + Folic acid

Outlook: Thrilled!

So it has been a rough week and a bit waiting for this viability ultrasound, but today we finally got to see what has been going on inside:

This is the beanie as of this morning. We got to see it's tiny heart pumping away at a very solid 140bpm <3 It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, I started to cry but quickly composed myself as the u/s tech was very matter of fact and I don't think he would've appreciated such an outpouring of emotion. The beanie is measuring right on track at 7 weeks, 7.8mm crown to rump. Bubble was right there throughout, he's also amazed and relieved that everything is ok.

The unexpected news was that there IS a second pregnancy in there. Unfortunately, the gestational sac was measuring only 5 weeks, and all you could see inside it was a yolk sac, so it looks as though that one has not, and will not, develop. I feel sad about that, but I also feel amazingly lucky and happy to have the one that is doing well. I'm guessing that the small one was made out of an egg that was either too mature or too immature, and it would never have had a chance.

The u/s tech was sweet enough to print out 2 pics for us, the above, plus one showing both sacs (just so we can prove it was in fact twins, I imagine), even though we weren't supposed to get any at this stage. He said that chances are, the second non-viable pregnancy will simply reabsorb into the uterus, but if I have any serious pain or bleeding I am to go back. After the u/s I had to go across to the fertility clinic to report his findings, and the nurse was so sweet and happy for us, it almost brought another tear to my eye =) When we said goodbye she squeezed my arm and wished us good luck, and it occurred to me that that's it - I won't be seeing them again now, they have achieved what they set out to do. I'm off to my GP this afternoon to report the pregnancy and get him to refer me back to the hospital for standard pre-natal care, and everything will carry on like any other normal pregnancy now, with the 12 week scan in 4-5 weeks.

I honestly cannot believe all that has happened. To see that I have a tiny life growing inside me was the most incredible, mind blowing thing. I never, ever thought it would happen to me. I feel honoured and so grateful for this chance. Because my symptoms have been (thankfully, I suppose) fairly mild so far, I don't even feel like anything is different, so to see that my (up til now, unreliable!) body is doing it's thing without any input from anyone is a huge adjustment in terms of how I view myself.

On Sunday we are telling our mothers. We have arranged a lunch with them both in Covent Garden, under the pretense of talking about final wedding arrangements and will be surprising them with the ultrasound pictures. I really never thought I would see the day...

Ups and Downs

How much pregnant: 5+4

Meds: Met

Outlook: Tearing my hair out

So no-one ever tells you about early pregnancy anxiety. I have suffered with various forms of anxiety in my life, so I was kind of expecting something, but it has come as quite a shock.

I think the problem is that before, when I was un-pregnant, I didn't really have anything but a shred of hope each cycle. I expected things not to work. I had set back after set back and didn't have particularly high expectations. I had nothing to lose. I did this to protect myself from disappointment, to make it easier when things didn't go as planned. Suddenly, I have this real, tangible thing to pour my hope into and something to lose in the worst possible way.

The problem is also that suddenly, now I am pregnant, there are only two possible outcomes: 1) I will get what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me, or 2) I will lose what I've wanted for so long, and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is no middle ground. It's very hard to find a balance between anticipating and preparing for the best, but keeping in mind the possibility of the worst, because they are at drastically opposite ends of the scale. In trying to reconcile these very different possible outcomes, you end up teetering along a narrow string of sanity, veering wildly from ecstasy and amazement one minute, to total despair the next. I wish I could just fast forward through to 12 weeks so that I would know whether this is something to believe in.

I've been taking pregnancy tests every few days, just to check it's still true. I've been reading up WAY too much online about Things You Shouldn't Read About When Pregnant and have sent myself into fits of hysteria. I've obsessed over whether it's an ectopic because I got some twinges on my right side. I've analysed every symptom when it seems like it's fading or changing. I've completely convinced myself that this isn't going to work out and everything is doomed.

On the flip side, I've been looking up maternity and baby clothes, furniture and bedding. I've thought about how being pregnant at our wedding and on our honeymoon will change the experience. I've started a pregnancy journal and taking belly shots. I've enjoyed talking to The Bean and imagining myself with a bump. And I've taken a glimpse of our life after this baby arrives.

I do feel like I've been driving myself mad. I've just woken up this morning and already I'm thinking "Hmmm my boobs don't feel as sore today...that must be a bad sign". I really panicked over the ectopic thing, especially as I read that ovulation induction treatment increases your chances. So I took myself off for an early scan yesterday afternoon (got there at 1:45pm, told clinic opened at 2:30, told there were 3 people before me at 30 min appts each, waited to be seen until just gone 5pm) with Bubble just to check that everything was where it should be.

We didn't see much, but the Dr confirmed there is a sac in the womb (too early to really make out anything inside it), a shadow-y shape that could possibly be a second sac in the womb (but I don't think it is as I don't think my symptoms are strong enough for more than one baby) and definitely nothing in my tubes or on my ovaries, which was amazingly reassuring. I got a look at the corpus luteum too, all big and void-like, and he said it looked like a good strong one.

So that's ectopic ticked off my worry list. But the problem is there is just so much else to worry about, and so much that can go wrong. I have another scan booked for 7 weeks, which is on 21st June and hopefully at that one we will see The Bean proper, and a hearthbeat if there is one. In the mean time, there are plenty of days to fill with fretting and joy.

Mysterious Ways

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 35

Meds: Met

Outlook: O_O

It's been a very crazy week. Between Thurs 26th and Tues 31st May, 5 people I know had their babies. The most important of these being my sister and my best friend. My sister and I are still not on speaking terms, but my mum gave me the lowdown: she had a 48 hour labour, then was going to have a forceps delivery, and then after all that had to have a c-section under general anaesthetic. My mum was there throughout and apparently was appalled by the treatment in the hospital (she's a nurse herself) so is going to be making a formal complaint. We later discovered that the hospital is even under investigation for the deaths of two new mothers recently, so that's not good at all. So, given the situation I haven't spoken to my sister, or seen the baby other than a few pictures on a mutual friend's facebook. She was a 9lber so not surprising it ended in caesarian.

My best friend had a very different experience. She was slightly overdue, but hadn't had any twinges or anything all weekend. Monday night at 7pm her waters suddenly broke and she had the little mite by 3.15am, forceps delivery. He weighed 8lbs 1oz. Bubble and I went to visit yesterday and he really is a cute little bundle. It was good to hear all about the delivery as with her first child she had a c-section too.

But now on to the craziest news of all. Last Tuesday, after hearing the news of my sister's baby being born and feeling that I might just be at the end of my tether following the cancelling of the last cycle, I took another pregnancy test. I peed before I got in the shower, left it to get to room temperature while I washed, then when I got out I dipped the stick. Started brushing my teeth, and of course I was too impatient to leave it the whole 5 mins before looking at it, and I thought I saw something right away. It was pretty faint, but suddenly I was all "What?!?!". So I called Bubble into the bathroom and asked casually if he could see anything and he said "Yes I see something". It dried a bit more and there was definitely something there. I started to tear up with the toothbrush still in my mouth. I photographed it and sent it to my best friend (still in hospital after the birth) and asked if she could see anything. She said yes as well.

So I decided to leave it a few days and test again. I was definitely hopeful, but thinking that it could just be because it was a different brand of test I hadn't used before, or because I used an old lemonade bottle for the pee and maybe it had contaminated the sample. Thursday morning I decided to do another one: the one on the left is from Tuesday, the one on the right from Thursday....

I was freaking out by this point, and worrying because I was having a lot of cramps and twinges and I still felt for sure that my period was on its way. So Friday I did a digital:

As you can probably imagine I'm totally shocked and also totally over the moon. This is the first BFP I have ever seen, and I really didn't expect it this cycle at all. After all this waiting, trying, hospital visits, medications, crying, being hopeful, I just can't believe that suddenly we've done it. And it's the weirdest feeling to go from all this active participation, to not having to do anything and your body just getting on with it on its own.

Today I am 4 weeks 6 days based on my last period. I don't know when I ovulated though.

I am dreading the next 2 months - I don't deal well with anxiety at the best of times and the thought that at any moment this amazing thing could be taken away from me is very hard to cope with. I've had trouble sleeping because I just can't relax. Bubble was away overnight last night for a business meeting and I started to panic in case anything happened while I was alone. I need to try to stay calm and keep busy with other things, but after 4 years and everything that has entailed, it's difficult not to invest a LOT in this potential baby.

I called the fertility clinic on Friday to tell them I had got a positive and they didn't sound very happy with me, asking "Well how did you get pregnant?" when the cycle had been cancelled. Hopefully the nurse is calling me back today or tomorrow to schedule my first scan. I'm hoping they will do it next week so I will be 6 weeks and they will be more likely to see something useful. With 4 or 5 follicles we don't know how many may have been fertilised and implanted.

I am so excited and grateful to have this chance, whatever happens.