Balmy

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 31

Meds: The usual suspects

Outlook: Relaxed

My my, it is lovely and warm here in London today, and I'm hoping it lasts as I will not be back in work until next Tuesday. Nothing much going on but a couple of little updates:

Tomorrow I go to the fertility clinic for a scan and if all looks well I can start Provera and get cracking on a new cycle. I'm really hoping against hope that the cyst has gone and I can get on with injects at the beginning of May.

I was pleased to see that PETA finally saw sense and removed the reference to NIAW from their vile promotion - reassuring to see that people power does work occasionally!

It was my sister's babyshower on Saturday but I wasn't invited. In fact I wasn't even told about it (I heard it was happening from someone who was invited). As you may have read in my previous post, my family didn't help me deal with news of her pregnancy in the way I would've hoped, and since then we had a falling out (something completely unrelated but also due to her selfishness and belief that the world revolves around her) which means I haven't spoken to her since January. I'm not sure why the whole thing was kept a secret though - I mean even my mum didn't tell me - not that I would've gone or felt sad about not being invited, but to not even mention it seems very strange.

And now there's an issue to do with my sister and our wedding. We cannot have tiny babies there for a variety of genuine, practical reasons (toddlers and above aren't a problem though) and we hoped this wouldn't be too much of an issue. The only people affected are my bridesmaid and my sister. My bridesmaid is fine with it, and her baby will be kept back at the reception venue with her mum for a couple of hours until we all get there. However, my mum recently emailed me to say that my sister and her husband wouldn't be able to come if they couldn't bring the baby. I flippantly said I wasn't expecting them to come anyway given the situation, but I'm going to invite them all the same. I'm sure if they wanted to they could arrange something, but my instincts say they are going to use it as the excuse they've been hoping for which gets them off the hook for not coming.

Finally, I've been coming to terms with the idea that I had a very early loss a couple of years ago. I brushed it aside for a long time, genuinely believing I must've been mad, but now I'm sure there was more to it. It was when I was NTNP with a previous partner, long random cycles and no charting. I didn't even know that I had ovulated. One day I randomly started getting twinges in my uterus, stretchy, pulling feelings that I had never had before. My uterus almost felt hard which was a very strange sensation. I thought nothing of it for a few days, until one evening when eating dinner I suddenly smelled everything very strongly. The next few days I had really bad nausea to the point that I thought I must've had a stomach upset or something. My CM was scarce and thick and white - unlike I'd ever seen before. I became convinced that I was pregnant, even going so far as hauling my sister how ironic down to the shop to get a pregnancy test. I was shocked when it was negative, and thought it was probably just too early to pick up, so I went away to visit a friend for a few days. Towards the end of my trip I noticed I wasn't feeling sick any more and the twinges had tailed off. When I got home I did another pregnancy test - still negative - and my period arrived a few days later. I felt so stupid for even thinking that I could be and put it down to strange hormones, or maybe my first ovulation in however long. But the last few months I've increasingly started to think that maybe it was something that ended before it could become anything proper. All the symptoms at the same time can't just be a coincidence - and the fact that I've never felt anything like that before or since, even when obsessively charting, so I'm sure it wasn't all in my head. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

While a shock to think that it could've been something, I'm glad it wasn't because I would probably still be with that ex feeling very unhappy and would never have met Bubble <3

Outted

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 25

Meds: Met + supps

Outlook: Lonely

Now, I am not one to post a lot in open forums on the internet - it's part of the reason I have this (anonymous) blog. I lurk on message boards and am a people-watcher on Facebook, rarely posting status updates etc, but due to the PETA campaign besmirching NIAW I felt compelled to say something. So I posted a link to the petition against the PETA campaign which for me felt like quite a bold move, since hardly anyone on there knows that we are ttc, much less about my pcos and treatment etc (not that the post explicitely stated anything about our situation, but I would assume many people made the connection).

It generated rather a lot of comments - 42 to be precise! And I just thought for the benefit of the ttc and/or infertility community I would share some of these gems of "wisdom":

• "Tbh I could get right behind that. The world is overpopulated as it is"
•  "If you're infertile, it's nature telling you you're not meant to breed. Breeding is selfish as it is"
• "The great thing about being human is that we can *choose* not to do things that are detrimental to ourselves and our environment, unfortunately it seems that, due to these detrimental effects not being visible immediately (we are after all used to getting what we want at the touch of a button these days); the fact that they are unlikely to cause the adults that are alive now too much hardship and also the inherent 'drive to reproduce' that is present in all of us; the lack of education about the overpopulation of the planet and the problems that this is causing NOW; the unlikeliness that many people are prepared to make themselves and their entire family 'cease to exist' (not to mention the other factors that come into play regarding murder and suicide), it doesnt seem likely that many people in our western society are prepared to do anything to reduce the harm we are causing our species let alone try to suggest that you don't necesarily *have* to have children."
• "It's more the selfishness side of bringing kids into a world that's in this state that I have a problem with. Personally, if I could have chosen to not be born, and not to live in this world and be contributing towards it's downfall, ...then I would have checked the 'opt out' button. The fact that I also happen to be unable to have kids in my view is a positive. I understand people still feel the need to bring more lives into this world, but what with fuel prices rises, diseases, social collapse, political turmoil, price of living, etc.etc. I don't see why they'd want to inflict such an uncertain future on their offspring. I can choose not to breed, and nature can choose to tell you not to breed, but unfortunately we can't choose to have not been born."
• "Personally, I'd like to see those unable to conceive take nature's sign that they're not meant to, and for adoption of unwanted churned out kids to be made much easier."
• "If it's something easily solved with a quick procedure then fair play, but couples who put themselves through round after round of IVF treatment, endless miscarriages, or surgery on themselves in order to have a baby, sometimes I do just wonder why they don't take nature's hint and maybe accept it's not for them, it's not right" 

You can bet I responded to each and every one. I think it goes to show just how necessary something like NIAW is, because there are so many people out there who just don't understand what infertility is, what it means, how it affects people. The second quote up there, she seems to think that "infertility" is the same as "being infertile". As usual, adoption was rolled out as the solution for every infertile. The majority of the comments droned on about "overpopulation" etc without a thought as to the point of my original post - that those suffering through infertility would be hurt by it.  In one of my replies, I tried to explain that these kind of statements could be really hurtful to someone going through infertility, and that because there is a certain "stigma" attached to it, the hurter might not even know....so basically that it pays to bite your tongue about certain issues unless you know who you are talking to properly.

But by far the worst comment is one I haven't posted above in which the commenter stated that they were "surprised that an intelligent person" like me would hold such opinions. As if I'm somehow ruled only by my base instincts if I am in anyway pro-reproduction. That if I had a brain I would surely see that being staunchly anti-babies, anti-breeding, anti-hope is the only way to go. It was an awakening as to exactly the kind of people I know. Needless to say, they won't be getting a wedding invite...

 

In the News: PETA (Pathetic, Egotistic, Tactless Arseholes?)

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 19

Meds: Met + DIM, D3, chromium, B complex, folic acid O_O

Outlook: Grrrrrr

Nothing new to report on the ttc front. Haven't been temping but know I haven't (yet?) ovulated. Luckily I have been very busy the last couple of weeks with wedding planning and honeymoon booking which has been a great distraction as this cycle ticks past.

However, I was alerted to a campaign which instantly invoked rage via a friend's post on Facebook. PETA (USA branch), known for their well-measured, appropriate campaigning - ha - are offering a supporter the chance to "win" a vasectomy if they have also had their cat/dog sterilised. This in itself doesn't bother me - though I do consider it rather bad taste and simply a shock-tactic to gain more notoriety no change there then - but what really does is the fact that they are attempting to tie the promotion in with National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). 

I am loathe to get too irate about this because I am sure that's just what PETA want - more publicity - but at best it is inappropriate, offensive and ignorant. Whether they really have misunderstood what NIAW is about is up for debate, but if that's the case then they really need to get some better publicity staff. NIAW is about raising awareness of infertility - with all its many and varied causes - and the very real impact not being able to conceive has on people's lives. Suggesting that removing someone else's ability to reproduce somehow honours this cause is deeply worrying.

They harp on about human life "crowding out animal life on the planet" and how "with a global population of almost 7 billion humans, more of our species could use a (voluntary) snip too". I will reduce my response to bullets otherwise I may be here all day:

• without humans, there would be no dogs or cats or any other pets. They exist because we choose to have them - and in many cases, bred them for this purpose - and in a human-less world, they would almost certainly be extinguished by larger predators. This goes for chickens, sheep, cows etc too. They only exist because we do. And without people, there is no one to look after the animals that PETA seeks to protect
• someone who is willing to volunteer for a vasectomy is likely to be someone who was not intending to reproduce in the future anyway. If PETA is really concerned about over-population of the planet, it would be more appropriate and effective for them to focus their efforts on providing contraception in developing countries, rethinking sex education for young people or seeking to simplify the adoption process.
• people who are infertile, the ones who will get something out of NIAW, are not the ones "overcrowding the planet" - associating a campaign about such an issue with infertility is not only hurtful to those going through it, but also completely pointless. Tie it in with a "stop reproducing" campaign (if you MUST), but leave infertility out of it

As a side note, I have never, and will never understand people who go on about the planet being over-populated, and how humans are a scourge on the earth etc etc ad nauseum - if that's the case then stop moaning and cease to exist right now and take all your loved ones with you! No? I didn't think so. It's hypocritical in the extreme to be complaining about the problem whilst being part of it.


This hijacking of a supportive campaign is something PETA should feel ashamed of. I have always been pro-animal rights but there is no way I will be supporting anything PETA does from now on. I hope that this merely serves to alienate a huge portion of society rather than generate a lot of media interest as I suspect PETA hopes.


You can show your disgust at the campaign here - please pass it on.

Persistence

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 4

Meds: Met

Outlook: =/

So I didn't get pregnant. Not even a hint of a line on the few tests I used over the weekend. AF has been light and mercifully pain-free - presumably another Clo.mid side-effect (or due to the copious amounts of rosehip tea I have been drinking recently). I went for a base-line scan today and most frustratingly the Death Star is still lurking! I learned it was a whopping 6cm x 4.7cm at its largest.....scary big. Today it had shrunk down but at 3.5cm x 2.4cm it's still too large a presence for another medicated cycle just yet.

The Doc (a new one I hadn't seen before) gave me two options - either leave it and hope that it shrinks to nothing over the course of this cycle, or take progesterone to force it to shrink. I opted for the former: I really don't want to be messing with my hormones any more than absolutely necessary and she said that around 90% of cysts disappear after the second period. If it's still there by the end of this cycle I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I may even look into doing a caster oil wrap during this cycle to help it on its way.

And I am relieved that the wait for the next cycle isn't that long. I'm already on CD4 and can go in on CD28 for another scan if I haven't detected ovulation or got my period and they will give me Provera again. A frustrating wait doing nothing but only 3 weeks to go. I still intend to temp and do some ovulation tests (though I have no idea when or even if I will ovulate) so I guess there is still a small chance for this cycle.

I also started taking some additional supplements on CD1 of this cycle: 

- Chromium - I read that a lot of women with PCOS are deficient in this mineral so I am taking 200µg each day

- Vitamin B Complex - PCOSers can be deficient in certain B vitamins and I also read that Metformin depletes one of them (aren't I a font of knowledge....) so I am taking Vitamin B1 20mg, Vitamin B2 20mg, Vitamin B3 30mg, Vitamin B5 10mg, Vitamin B6 20mg and Vitamin B12 50mcg each day

- D-I-M - This is a naturally occurring substance found in veggies like broccoli and cauliflower which helps to metabolize estrogen. Thought it couldn't hurt as PCOS is an estrogen-dominance issue. I am taking 100mg daily.

I also bought fish oil and a calcium/magnesium/vit D/iron tablet but I haven't got into the routine of taking them yet. Additionally yes my poor purse is feeling rather empty right now I got a natural progesterone cream to try if/when I ovulate...I've read that these creams don't really give you enough to make a difference but I'm happy to give it a go, especially when it is lavendar scented! Finally, I bought a pack of red raspberry leaf tablets - originally because I thought I would be carrying on with Clo.mid and read that taking this from CD1>ov can help to thicken the uterine lining (which Clo.mid wreaks havoc on). However, after talking to the Doc today, I learned that I don't have to take Clo.mid again if I don't want to and my next active cycle will probably be using injects. Still, a bit of extra help to achieve a nice thick lining won't hurt.

So back to waiting, again, and hoping that the Death Star has burned out in three weeks time...

Finally a TWW

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 31 - 11dpo

Meds: Met

Outlook: Hopeful

The Death Star was still there at 3 days past trigger, so was officially considered a cyst at around 4cm diameter. I can assure you I didn't need the ultrasound to prove it was there, the sucker was VERY uncomfortable until Monday really, but has definitely shrunk in the last few days. No more running to the toilet every 10 minutes because of the pressure on my bladder - bonus!

I went for a blood test on Monday morning to find out if I ovulated. I got the result today and OMG yes, I did! My progesterone level was 34.5 at 9 dpo which is pretty good all things considered. So I assume either the follicle on the right matured quickly and then released an egg, or the Death Star was so huge it was blocking another mature follicle on the left.

So I am approaching the end of the two week wait. Annoyingly, I still can't crack out the pregnancy tests because I had the trigger shot at 2 dpo and it will likely still show up in my system. However, I have Friday off work, and by that point will be 13 dpo/11dpt, so I'm going to allow myself a little test then.

Of course I've been scrutinising my symptoms to within an inch of their lives. My boobs are definitely pretty tender and nipples ouchily sensitive. I've had some minor cramping in the uterus area, and some stretchy feelings, but I've had all that before in previous ovulatory cycles so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I have been crazily tired, but that could just be the chronic fatigue. And I've had a monster appetite the last few days.

I can't believe what a roller-coaster this cycle has been - going from no hope at all to actually quite a bit of hope multiple times over and over. I'm hoping I don't have to go another round with Clo.mid, it doesn't seem to be particularly compatible with me. It would just be amazing if it worked this time.

The Death Star

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 24

Meds: Met

Outlook: Frustrated

It's been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I went for my CD19 scan and the left follicle had grown to 27mm. They also found a 12mm one on the right. I was even more thrilled than before. The doc decided not to give me my trigger shot as my lining was still a little thin (6.5mm I think) but she said with a follicle that size I would most likely ovulate on my own over the weekend.

I was really hopeful and happy, but as the day wore on, doubt started to creep in. I read that a follicle over 25mm probably didn't contain a viable egg, and I wished I had requested the trigger at the appointment so that it ruptured as soon as possible. I was using the ClearBlue digital ovulation tests, as recommended by the clinic. They told me to use one a day, first thing in the morning and they were all negative. However, for my own purposes I used a strip test on Saturday night (CD20) and I thought it looked positive....

Sunday (CD21) and I started to feel very uncomfortable in my abdomen on the left. I was also having to go to the toilet a lot more frequently than usual. My CB test was negative again, and so I assumed the strip test the night before had been a fluke.

Monday (CD22) I rang the clinic and told them I could still feel the follicle, was in quite a bit of discomfort and that all my CB ovulation tests had been negative. I went in for another scan and the left follicle was a gargantuan 35mm! I was not happy, and again asked the doc if this meant there was no viable egg inside, but he insisted that because the follicle had only grown within the cycle, there was no reason to assume it didn't have an egg. It was quite disturbing to see this massive black mass on the ultrasound, like a lost alien spaceship. Helpfully though, my lining had increased to 8.5mm - ideal for implantation.

He didn't spend long looking at the right ovary - I guess because all the attention was on the giant lefthand one - but he said he couldn't see anything significant in there, and that the follicle had most likely shrunk back. He then said they would (finally) give me the trigger shot, which was fine, and that I would ovulate within 24-36 hours.

I went home happy again but (again) the doubt started to creep in. I wondered if in fact the cheap strip test from CD20 was accurate and if the right hand follicle had reached maturity and ruptured secretly. Then I was worried that the trigger shot would cause harm if I had already ovulated. And I was in so much discomfort I began to wonder if even the shot would be able to rupture the Death Star.

Tuesday (CD23) I was in considerable discomfort just walking around. We tried to do "homework" as the fertility nurse calls it, and it sent shooting pains up the left side of my abdomen. I was bloated and had serious trapped gas. I did, however, start to get sensitive nipples - usually a sure sign that I have ovulated - but I wondered if it was just from the shot. But then, I put my temperature into my chart, and the chart automatically put me at ovulating on Saturday (based on my temps) - if you take into account the possibly positive OPK on the same day it looks fairly promising.

So here I am on CD24, almost 48 hours post trigger and I can still feel the Death Star. I'm now convinced it is a cyst and I'm not happy. I am going in for another scan tomorrow and I hope they will be able to give me some answers. Specifically:

• Is it a cyst formed from a ruptured or unruptured follicle?
• Is there any chance I already ovulated from the other ovary?
• If it is a cyst, and I did ovulate, could it impede a pregnancy this cycle?
• If it is a cyst, when and how can we make it go away?

I feel pretty gutted. I knew it was too good to be true when a follicle appeared out of nowhere. I've been reading up online (I know, it's not good) and apparently it can take 1-3 MONTHS for a cyst to shrink! And obviously it's not possible to start another round of fertility drugs until it's gone. I've also read of people who had to take BCP for a month to help shrink it! I really hope it doesn't come to that, it took me a year to get back any semblance of a cycle after I stopped BCP the last time, it will really feel like a step backwards.

Thankfully, we got in a lot of "homework" this cycle - if I did ovulate on CD20 we have all our bases covered. We were also using Pre-seed.


Yet again I am struck by how unlikely pregnancy is.....I just don't understand how it can happen so easily for some. I also can't believe how much stress and detailed observation is required for just this part of the process! If I ever do get pregnant I will truly see it as a miracle.

Ms. Egg

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 16

Meds: Met

Outlook: Shocked!

So there I was, just about getting my head around the fact that I was Clo.mid-resistant and dealing with the prospect of moving on to injectables and I was ready. I went to the hospital this lunch time for a scan to follow up last weeks - and from what the Dr said last week (that there was no response, that it wasn't working, that things weren't going to be as easy (ha!) as we thought) I was expecting no progress, no hope.

Imagine my surprise when this week's Dr said "You have one large follicle on the left"! A late response, but a response all the same. The follicle is currently 15mm so it needs to do a little bit more growing before it will be viable, and my lining is still on the thin side, but I cannot put into words how thrilled I am! 

An actual egg getting ready....it's so exciting. I have to start doing ovulation tests from tomorrow, then I go back for another scan on Friday which will be CD19 to see how it is doing. Of course we have to get busy in the meantime just in case, and I think I'm going to temp for the next few days so that I have another angle to confirm ovulation (assuming it occurs). Usually I don't temp because the anticipation makes me wake up earlier than usual just to do it, thus throwing my temps off and negating the whole process.


And the other good news we got today was that Bubble's repeat semen analysis came back good. His total numbers were at the lower end of the normal range but nothing to worry about, and everything else was excellent. One less thing to worry about.