Mysterious Ways

Cycle number: 11

Cycle day: 35

Meds: Met

Outlook: O_O

It's been a very crazy week. Between Thurs 26th and Tues 31st May, 5 people I know had their babies. The most important of these being my sister and my best friend. My sister and I are still not on speaking terms, but my mum gave me the lowdown: she had a 48 hour labour, then was going to have a forceps delivery, and then after all that had to have a c-section under general anaesthetic. My mum was there throughout and apparently was appalled by the treatment in the hospital (she's a nurse herself) so is going to be making a formal complaint. We later discovered that the hospital is even under investigation for the deaths of two new mothers recently, so that's not good at all. So, given the situation I haven't spoken to my sister, or seen the baby other than a few pictures on a mutual friend's facebook. She was a 9lber so not surprising it ended in caesarian.

My best friend had a very different experience. She was slightly overdue, but hadn't had any twinges or anything all weekend. Monday night at 7pm her waters suddenly broke and she had the little mite by 3.15am, forceps delivery. He weighed 8lbs 1oz. Bubble and I went to visit yesterday and he really is a cute little bundle. It was good to hear all about the delivery as with her first child she had a c-section too.

But now on to the craziest news of all. Last Tuesday, after hearing the news of my sister's baby being born and feeling that I might just be at the end of my tether following the cancelling of the last cycle, I took another pregnancy test. I peed before I got in the shower, left it to get to room temperature while I washed, then when I got out I dipped the stick. Started brushing my teeth, and of course I was too impatient to leave it the whole 5 mins before looking at it, and I thought I saw something right away. It was pretty faint, but suddenly I was all "What?!?!". So I called Bubble into the bathroom and asked casually if he could see anything and he said "Yes I see something". It dried a bit more and there was definitely something there. I started to tear up with the toothbrush still in my mouth. I photographed it and sent it to my best friend (still in hospital after the birth) and asked if she could see anything. She said yes as well.

So I decided to leave it a few days and test again. I was definitely hopeful, but thinking that it could just be because it was a different brand of test I hadn't used before, or because I used an old lemonade bottle for the pee and maybe it had contaminated the sample. Thursday morning I decided to do another one: the one on the left is from Tuesday, the one on the right from Thursday....

I was freaking out by this point, and worrying because I was having a lot of cramps and twinges and I still felt for sure that my period was on its way. So Friday I did a digital:

As you can probably imagine I'm totally shocked and also totally over the moon. This is the first BFP I have ever seen, and I really didn't expect it this cycle at all. After all this waiting, trying, hospital visits, medications, crying, being hopeful, I just can't believe that suddenly we've done it. And it's the weirdest feeling to go from all this active participation, to not having to do anything and your body just getting on with it on its own.

Today I am 4 weeks 6 days based on my last period. I don't know when I ovulated though.

I am dreading the next 2 months - I don't deal well with anxiety at the best of times and the thought that at any moment this amazing thing could be taken away from me is very hard to cope with. I've had trouble sleeping because I just can't relax. Bubble was away overnight last night for a business meeting and I started to panic in case anything happened while I was alone. I need to try to stay calm and keep busy with other things, but after 4 years and everything that has entailed, it's difficult not to invest a LOT in this potential baby.

I called the fertility clinic on Friday to tell them I had got a positive and they didn't sound very happy with me, asking "Well how did you get pregnant?" when the cycle had been cancelled. Hopefully the nurse is calling me back today or tomorrow to schedule my first scan. I'm hoping they will do it next week so I will be 6 weeks and they will be more likely to see something useful. With 4 or 5 follicles we don't know how many may have been fertilised and implanted.

I am so excited and grateful to have this chance, whatever happens.

The Waiting Game

Cycle number: 8

Cycle day: 34

Meds: still the Met

Outlook: serene

Today I booked an appointment at the fertility clinic. I will go there next Friday for a scan to check my lining. If all is well, I will take Pro.vera to induce a bleed, and will then start on my second round of Clo.mid. I'm excited to be moving forward again. I tried Clo.mid for the first time in October, but didn't ovulate. Bubble and I have since been on a ttc break as our wedding is in September and we didn't want to risk a baby due around that time. It's been a strange time...no active thinking about baby-making but no prevention either apparently I have my own in-built contraceptive... It's just been a time of waiting and waiting.

So I am uber excited to be doing something about it again. My dose will be upped to 100mg and hopefully I will ovulate this time. Just to ovulate would be a massive achievement, to know that it is possible. People who "just" get pregnant simply don't know how lucky they are not to have to think about this kind of stuff. As I have written about before, my sister is currently pregnant. She wasn't actively trying and it was her first month off birth control. She didn't even realise she was pregnant until she was nearly 10 weeks gone. She's never read anything about trying to conceive, or pregnancy, never made any changes to her lifestyle to improve her chances, never even talked about having children to my knowledge. And yet here she is, over halfway towards having her own child.

It is tiring having to actively try. Even if you don't go completely overboard and become quite obsessed - which understandably happens to a lot of women trying for a child - there is so much involved in the whole process for those to whom it doesn't just happen after the initial "honeymoon" couple of months when you are blissfully unaware:

• The Science - how the hell does this conception thing work anyway? Bizarrely, one of the most natural and personal endeavours in the world is still a mystery since they forgot to include it in any school curriculum. Terminology, maths, biology, charting (I'll come back to that), you pretty much become a certified fertility nurse after the first six months
• The Reading - anything, everything, online, in books, in magazines. Definitely online. Stories of conception and birth and what worked and what didn't, sifting through medical journals and horror stories and old wives tales, self diagnosis, message boards, forums, blogs.....especially blogs ;) Trying to absorb and make sense of this large quantity of text can be extremely challenging
• The Self Obsessing - Symptom checking, fretting over this pain and that... is something wrong with me? If so, what is it? If I felt a twinge on CD7 does this mean that I have PCOS? Am I pregnant? If I felt sick at this point last cycle and I don't now, does that mean something? O_O The constant self analysis can be incredibly draining and psychosomia-inducing
• The Charting - a fresh hell for anyone who is already starting to panic about ttc. Temperatures, taken to the very same minute each morning otherwise they could be misleading, but is the thermometer accurate? Are my multivitamins interferring? Did that curry last night cause it to be higher than usual? For me, the anticipation of my morning temperature-taking would always cause me to wake before I should, which then made my temps inaccurate, and the whole thing just made me tired before I could even start the day
• The Deed - what was once an expression of love between you and your partner suddently becomes a regimen even the army would be proud of. To do it every night or every other night? Or the SMEP system? Or twice a day if we can manage it? And should it be in this position or that, using Pre-seed or egg whites or some kind of headstand at the end? This is even more frustrating if you don't ovulate at the same time each month (or hardly ever at all) and you just have to keep going for weeks or months with no end in sight just in case you miss that egg.....!!
• The Waiting - waiting to ovulate, waiting the Two Week Wait, waiting through symptoms and negative HPTs, waiting to start fertility treatment, waiting for appointments, scans, procedures.....and ultimately waiting for that little magic to spark inside and create a life

I almost can't imagine conception from the perspective of a fertile, just being able to decide one day "I think I want a baby" and within a few months knowing it is there; finding out you are already several weeks pregnant without even knowing; getting excited at the prospect of getting pregnant and then having all your dreams fulfilled instantly. The rest of us work so hard to get and stay pregnant, and when it finally does happen, it must be the greatest achievement of our lives.


Don't get me wrong, I'm sure fertiles love getting and being and staying pregnant, and love their babies and the whole shebang. But the test you turn up for on the day without revising never means as much to you as the one you spent months studying for; instant gratification is never as satisfying as something you have worked hard for and has consumed your life; and in the same way I feel almost lucky to be in my position. When I do eventually have a baby, it truly will be a miracle for us; I will never take a single day of its life for granted or all the moments leading to it. I will have worked really hard for it and I will spend each day being thankful for my reward.


I just have to wait a little bit longer......