In the News: PETA (Pathetic, Egotistic, Tactless Arseholes?)

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 19

Meds: Met + DIM, D3, chromium, B complex, folic acid O_O

Outlook: Grrrrrr

Nothing new to report on the ttc front. Haven't been temping but know I haven't (yet?) ovulated. Luckily I have been very busy the last couple of weeks with wedding planning and honeymoon booking which has been a great distraction as this cycle ticks past.

However, I was alerted to a campaign which instantly invoked rage via a friend's post on Facebook. PETA (USA branch), known for their well-measured, appropriate campaigning - ha - are offering a supporter the chance to "win" a vasectomy if they have also had their cat/dog sterilised. This in itself doesn't bother me - though I do consider it rather bad taste and simply a shock-tactic to gain more notoriety no change there then - but what really does is the fact that they are attempting to tie the promotion in with National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). 

I am loathe to get too irate about this because I am sure that's just what PETA want - more publicity - but at best it is inappropriate, offensive and ignorant. Whether they really have misunderstood what NIAW is about is up for debate, but if that's the case then they really need to get some better publicity staff. NIAW is about raising awareness of infertility - with all its many and varied causes - and the very real impact not being able to conceive has on people's lives. Suggesting that removing someone else's ability to reproduce somehow honours this cause is deeply worrying.

They harp on about human life "crowding out animal life on the planet" and how "with a global population of almost 7 billion humans, more of our species could use a (voluntary) snip too". I will reduce my response to bullets otherwise I may be here all day:

• without humans, there would be no dogs or cats or any other pets. They exist because we choose to have them - and in many cases, bred them for this purpose - and in a human-less world, they would almost certainly be extinguished by larger predators. This goes for chickens, sheep, cows etc too. They only exist because we do. And without people, there is no one to look after the animals that PETA seeks to protect
• someone who is willing to volunteer for a vasectomy is likely to be someone who was not intending to reproduce in the future anyway. If PETA is really concerned about over-population of the planet, it would be more appropriate and effective for them to focus their efforts on providing contraception in developing countries, rethinking sex education for young people or seeking to simplify the adoption process.
• people who are infertile, the ones who will get something out of NIAW, are not the ones "overcrowding the planet" - associating a campaign about such an issue with infertility is not only hurtful to those going through it, but also completely pointless. Tie it in with a "stop reproducing" campaign (if you MUST), but leave infertility out of it

As a side note, I have never, and will never understand people who go on about the planet being over-populated, and how humans are a scourge on the earth etc etc ad nauseum - if that's the case then stop moaning and cease to exist right now and take all your loved ones with you! No? I didn't think so. It's hypocritical in the extreme to be complaining about the problem whilst being part of it.


This hijacking of a supportive campaign is something PETA should feel ashamed of. I have always been pro-animal rights but there is no way I will be supporting anything PETA does from now on. I hope that this merely serves to alienate a huge portion of society rather than generate a lot of media interest as I suspect PETA hopes.


You can show your disgust at the campaign here - please pass it on.

Persistence

Cycle number: 10

Cycle day: 4

Meds: Met

Outlook: =/

So I didn't get pregnant. Not even a hint of a line on the few tests I used over the weekend. AF has been light and mercifully pain-free - presumably another Clo.mid side-effect (or due to the copious amounts of rosehip tea I have been drinking recently). I went for a base-line scan today and most frustratingly the Death Star is still lurking! I learned it was a whopping 6cm x 4.7cm at its largest.....scary big. Today it had shrunk down but at 3.5cm x 2.4cm it's still too large a presence for another medicated cycle just yet.

The Doc (a new one I hadn't seen before) gave me two options - either leave it and hope that it shrinks to nothing over the course of this cycle, or take progesterone to force it to shrink. I opted for the former: I really don't want to be messing with my hormones any more than absolutely necessary and she said that around 90% of cysts disappear after the second period. If it's still there by the end of this cycle I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I may even look into doing a caster oil wrap during this cycle to help it on its way.

And I am relieved that the wait for the next cycle isn't that long. I'm already on CD4 and can go in on CD28 for another scan if I haven't detected ovulation or got my period and they will give me Provera again. A frustrating wait doing nothing but only 3 weeks to go. I still intend to temp and do some ovulation tests (though I have no idea when or even if I will ovulate) so I guess there is still a small chance for this cycle.

I also started taking some additional supplements on CD1 of this cycle: 

- Chromium - I read that a lot of women with PCOS are deficient in this mineral so I am taking 200µg each day

- Vitamin B Complex - PCOSers can be deficient in certain B vitamins and I also read that Metformin depletes one of them (aren't I a font of knowledge....) so I am taking Vitamin B1 20mg, Vitamin B2 20mg, Vitamin B3 30mg, Vitamin B5 10mg, Vitamin B6 20mg and Vitamin B12 50mcg each day

- D-I-M - This is a naturally occurring substance found in veggies like broccoli and cauliflower which helps to metabolize estrogen. Thought it couldn't hurt as PCOS is an estrogen-dominance issue. I am taking 100mg daily.

I also bought fish oil and a calcium/magnesium/vit D/iron tablet but I haven't got into the routine of taking them yet. Additionally yes my poor purse is feeling rather empty right now I got a natural progesterone cream to try if/when I ovulate...I've read that these creams don't really give you enough to make a difference but I'm happy to give it a go, especially when it is lavendar scented! Finally, I bought a pack of red raspberry leaf tablets - originally because I thought I would be carrying on with Clo.mid and read that taking this from CD1>ov can help to thicken the uterine lining (which Clo.mid wreaks havoc on). However, after talking to the Doc today, I learned that I don't have to take Clo.mid again if I don't want to and my next active cycle will probably be using injects. Still, a bit of extra help to achieve a nice thick lining won't hurt.

So back to waiting, again, and hoping that the Death Star has burned out in three weeks time...

Finally a TWW

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 31 - 11dpo

Meds: Met

Outlook: Hopeful

The Death Star was still there at 3 days past trigger, so was officially considered a cyst at around 4cm diameter. I can assure you I didn't need the ultrasound to prove it was there, the sucker was VERY uncomfortable until Monday really, but has definitely shrunk in the last few days. No more running to the toilet every 10 minutes because of the pressure on my bladder - bonus!

I went for a blood test on Monday morning to find out if I ovulated. I got the result today and OMG yes, I did! My progesterone level was 34.5 at 9 dpo which is pretty good all things considered. So I assume either the follicle on the right matured quickly and then released an egg, or the Death Star was so huge it was blocking another mature follicle on the left.

So I am approaching the end of the two week wait. Annoyingly, I still can't crack out the pregnancy tests because I had the trigger shot at 2 dpo and it will likely still show up in my system. However, I have Friday off work, and by that point will be 13 dpo/11dpt, so I'm going to allow myself a little test then.

Of course I've been scrutinising my symptoms to within an inch of their lives. My boobs are definitely pretty tender and nipples ouchily sensitive. I've had some minor cramping in the uterus area, and some stretchy feelings, but I've had all that before in previous ovulatory cycles so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I have been crazily tired, but that could just be the chronic fatigue. And I've had a monster appetite the last few days.

I can't believe what a roller-coaster this cycle has been - going from no hope at all to actually quite a bit of hope multiple times over and over. I'm hoping I don't have to go another round with Clo.mid, it doesn't seem to be particularly compatible with me. It would just be amazing if it worked this time.

The Death Star

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 24

Meds: Met

Outlook: Frustrated

It's been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I went for my CD19 scan and the left follicle had grown to 27mm. They also found a 12mm one on the right. I was even more thrilled than before. The doc decided not to give me my trigger shot as my lining was still a little thin (6.5mm I think) but she said with a follicle that size I would most likely ovulate on my own over the weekend.

I was really hopeful and happy, but as the day wore on, doubt started to creep in. I read that a follicle over 25mm probably didn't contain a viable egg, and I wished I had requested the trigger at the appointment so that it ruptured as soon as possible. I was using the ClearBlue digital ovulation tests, as recommended by the clinic. They told me to use one a day, first thing in the morning and they were all negative. However, for my own purposes I used a strip test on Saturday night (CD20) and I thought it looked positive....

Sunday (CD21) and I started to feel very uncomfortable in my abdomen on the left. I was also having to go to the toilet a lot more frequently than usual. My CB test was negative again, and so I assumed the strip test the night before had been a fluke.

Monday (CD22) I rang the clinic and told them I could still feel the follicle, was in quite a bit of discomfort and that all my CB ovulation tests had been negative. I went in for another scan and the left follicle was a gargantuan 35mm! I was not happy, and again asked the doc if this meant there was no viable egg inside, but he insisted that because the follicle had only grown within the cycle, there was no reason to assume it didn't have an egg. It was quite disturbing to see this massive black mass on the ultrasound, like a lost alien spaceship. Helpfully though, my lining had increased to 8.5mm - ideal for implantation.

He didn't spend long looking at the right ovary - I guess because all the attention was on the giant lefthand one - but he said he couldn't see anything significant in there, and that the follicle had most likely shrunk back. He then said they would (finally) give me the trigger shot, which was fine, and that I would ovulate within 24-36 hours.

I went home happy again but (again) the doubt started to creep in. I wondered if in fact the cheap strip test from CD20 was accurate and if the right hand follicle had reached maturity and ruptured secretly. Then I was worried that the trigger shot would cause harm if I had already ovulated. And I was in so much discomfort I began to wonder if even the shot would be able to rupture the Death Star.

Tuesday (CD23) I was in considerable discomfort just walking around. We tried to do "homework" as the fertility nurse calls it, and it sent shooting pains up the left side of my abdomen. I was bloated and had serious trapped gas. I did, however, start to get sensitive nipples - usually a sure sign that I have ovulated - but I wondered if it was just from the shot. But then, I put my temperature into my chart, and the chart automatically put me at ovulating on Saturday (based on my temps) - if you take into account the possibly positive OPK on the same day it looks fairly promising.

So here I am on CD24, almost 48 hours post trigger and I can still feel the Death Star. I'm now convinced it is a cyst and I'm not happy. I am going in for another scan tomorrow and I hope they will be able to give me some answers. Specifically:

• Is it a cyst formed from a ruptured or unruptured follicle?
• Is there any chance I already ovulated from the other ovary?
• If it is a cyst, and I did ovulate, could it impede a pregnancy this cycle?
• If it is a cyst, when and how can we make it go away?

I feel pretty gutted. I knew it was too good to be true when a follicle appeared out of nowhere. I've been reading up online (I know, it's not good) and apparently it can take 1-3 MONTHS for a cyst to shrink! And obviously it's not possible to start another round of fertility drugs until it's gone. I've also read of people who had to take BCP for a month to help shrink it! I really hope it doesn't come to that, it took me a year to get back any semblance of a cycle after I stopped BCP the last time, it will really feel like a step backwards.

Thankfully, we got in a lot of "homework" this cycle - if I did ovulate on CD20 we have all our bases covered. We were also using Pre-seed.


Yet again I am struck by how unlikely pregnancy is.....I just don't understand how it can happen so easily for some. I also can't believe how much stress and detailed observation is required for just this part of the process! If I ever do get pregnant I will truly see it as a miracle.

Ms. Egg

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 16

Meds: Met

Outlook: Shocked!

So there I was, just about getting my head around the fact that I was Clo.mid-resistant and dealing with the prospect of moving on to injectables and I was ready. I went to the hospital this lunch time for a scan to follow up last weeks - and from what the Dr said last week (that there was no response, that it wasn't working, that things weren't going to be as easy (ha!) as we thought) I was expecting no progress, no hope.

Imagine my surprise when this week's Dr said "You have one large follicle on the left"! A late response, but a response all the same. The follicle is currently 15mm so it needs to do a little bit more growing before it will be viable, and my lining is still on the thin side, but I cannot put into words how thrilled I am! 

An actual egg getting ready....it's so exciting. I have to start doing ovulation tests from tomorrow, then I go back for another scan on Friday which will be CD19 to see how it is doing. Of course we have to get busy in the meantime just in case, and I think I'm going to temp for the next few days so that I have another angle to confirm ovulation (assuming it occurs). Usually I don't temp because the anticipation makes me wake up earlier than usual just to do it, thus throwing my temps off and negating the whole process.


And the other good news we got today was that Bubble's repeat semen analysis came back good. His total numbers were at the lower end of the normal range but nothing to worry about, and everything else was excellent. One less thing to worry about.

The Simmering

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 11

Meds: Met

Outlook: -_-

So two weekends ago we went to visit Bubble's mum for the day and decided to tell her we are ttc and about my fertility problems. We did this for a few reasons:

• so that if/when I do get pregnant, it is not a total shock
• so that we have additional support through the whole thing (particularly since my mum made it clear we can't get it from her...)
• so that she would feel included from the beginning
• to prevent unsolicited familial comments such as "so when are you two gonna have one then?"

Since my sister got pregnant, I realised one of the things I was most sad about was that I don't get to produce my parents' first grandchild. I had seen it as a rite of passage for them that I was totally excluded from, but being the older child, I felt that it should've been mine to provide. Instead, I thought, we will at least produce Bubble's mum's first grandchild. She was thrilled to bits for us when we told her, and interested and concerned to hear about the fertility issues. We made it clear that it could be several years before we get a baby (if we get one at all). I talked to her about the treatments I'd had and may have in the future, and how Bubble would be going for a second semen analysis to rule out any problems his "end".
Flash forward 5 days, and it didn't help my severe Clo.mid side effects to hear that my soon to be sister-in-law is randomly, unexpectedly pregnant. Big shock, not least because she and Bubble's brother have only just got back together after a six month long split. She's two months gone, and apparently confident that it's his. It was a final straw for me. Officially, everyone I know is pregnant; all friends, all family of reproductive age, co-workers or their spouses. There is now no refuge from pregnancy, anywhere I turn someone with a particular glow is there smiling back at me.

On top of this we found out that Bubble's mum had been spilling the beans about US ttc. She told Bubble's brother and his pregnant girlfriend not only that we were ttc, but about my problems too. I felt ever so slightly betrayed by this - as we had told her in confidence and I didn't expect within days it would be a general discussion topic.

Bubble's mum had also spilled the beans to her sister and mother (i.e. Bubble's aunt and grandma) that we are ttc (but nothing about my problems). I couldn't work out if this was better or somehow worse - my privacy has been kept, but telling family we are ttc like we have no problems means that in six months if nothing has happened people are going to start asking questions. Or generally think that it's ok to bring up the topic of us trying to reproduce when we are at family gatherings.

This was all too much and I admit I howled for hours. We took it for granted she would keep it quiet given the situation, but I now realise I need to spell it out for people - the more people that know, the greater the pressure of expectation on something that could take years to happen. I know she was just happy and excited for us, and meant us no harm, but it's all come at a bad time. I'm now left kind of wishing that we had just kept it to ourselves.

This weekend I have to meet up with an ex-colleague who is about 4 months pregnant. It's the first time I'll have seen her since it happened. She's been pushing and pushing for us to meet up, even though we weren't particularly good friends (though she did know about us ttc) and now I can't help but think that she just wants to show off her bump and talk non-stop about baby stuff. I'm dreading it.

And then the same night I am going out for a birthday meal with my parents, and Bubble's mum, brother and his pregnant girlfriend. What a happy little party that is going to be.....NOT. I have already told Bubble that if the conversation hovers on pregnancy or babies for longer than a picosecond I am getting up and walking out.

And then Sunday is my 28th birthday. And 4 years since I first started ttc. And 1 year since I started ttc with Bubble.

I hate that I've become such a bitter person when it comes to other people being pregnant and other people involving themselves in my fertility issues, but I don't know how else to be. I can't help it if I get upset about these things, or feel angry, or both. And I try hard not to let people see how I feel because I don't want them to feel hurt or think badly of me. So I have to just let it simmer

One down..

Cycle number: 9

Cycle day: 11

Meds: Met

Outlook: Strangely calm

So I am Clo.mid-resistant. I found out yesterday when I went in for my first monitoring scan. I was upped to 100mg this cycle, CD 3-7, and I felt hopeful that I would have some kind of response, but apparently my follicles just aren't bothered. I was worried this would happen when I didn't ovulate last month, but I had read of people who didn't respond straight away but did later on a higher dose. If it was my choice I would probably try one more cycle with 150mg just to be sure that I just don't need a much higher dose than most people, but I have been told it's the end of the line for me and Clo.mid.

The good news is I will be moving on to Meno.pur, which contains human gonadotrophin extracted from the urine of postmenopausal women. No that wasn't a typing error. It's an injectable made up of follicular stimulating hormone and lutenizing hormone, which hopefully assists the eggs on their route to maturity. I don't know all the details yet but I do know I will be injecting myself in the abdomen with this tasty concoction, a scary thought in itself. I may even be able to start in a couple of weeks if my lining remains thin, rather than have to wait for my period or take Pro.vera again, which is also good news.

But in general it does seem like pretty bad news. I had always heard that Clo.mid was pretty much a wonder drug, people getting pregnant on their first cycle, people taking it for a couple of cycles and then stopping only to get their BFP, and when I was getting ready for my first Clo.mid cycle I really thought "At last I have a shot" - to at least ovulate if not get knocked up. And Clo.mid always seemed like the most obvious answer, like anything else was a last resort and it would be time to panic. I always assumed I would have the full 6 cycles (the maximum allowed) and only then if it still hadn't worked I would move on to something new. 

I'm left with mixed feelings - on the one hand, it would've been frustrating to sit through cycle after unsuccessful cycle with no ovulation and therefore no chance of pregnancy. But on the other I've now ticked off one of the most potent treatments from my list of options, a list that will only get smaller as time goes on.

I've tried to make myself feel better by telling myself it's clearly a sign that my body is too intelligent - Clo.mid works by fooling your brain into thinking that there is no estrogen in your system, so that your brain produces more and this should (in theory) be the kick start the follicles need to get ready for ovulation. But my brain isn't having any of it. I should've known better than to try self deception.

The Meno.pur, however, simply supplements the hormones you already have; it's a much more straight-down-the-line drug, no trickery. And reassuringly my consultant said that just because I haven't responded to Clo.mid, it doesn't mean I am less likely to respond to anything else. I go back for a scan next week but I'm confident there will be no change, and then I will just have to wait about 10 more days before starting the new treatment (they like to leave at least 4 weeks between treatments).

The Clo.mid did wreak havoc with my emotions though. On my second day of it, I was almost in tears for much of the day (stress at work) and then I broke down in the evening (for reasons I will expand on in a separate post). Let's hope the next one's not so bad...